Absolutely no one is watching CNN anymore. The network has just posted figures for the second quarter of this year and, hoo-boy, they are terrible. A 40 percent drop in prime-time ratings since last year. The worst performance ever for a second quarter. Even CNN's mom has stopped watching it though she lies and says she still tunes in, like that kind of coddling is going to help anyone. If things continue on this path, our children will have no knowledge of the Cable News Network as we know it. To them, CNN will refer only to Ciennen, a popular girl from their kindergarten class.

It's an open secret that the city of London's Olympic bid was nothing more than a brazen attempt to lure America's most popular fast food corporations to open up franchises in that dusty, far flung corner of the world. Now The Guardian reports London is finally getting what it craves: its very first fifty-first McDonald's.

All eyes were on Croatia for half a second Tuesday after an old video of a pregnant Beyoncé standing next to a blue tree and drawling some mess about how it appeared to be covered in blue ivy was "discovered."

Rich liar Mitch Albom, once described by H.P. Lovecraft as "a grotesque scaly body with rudimentary wings," has written a column about 50 Shades of Grey. Reading it is like coming across a big shotgun next to a tiny barrel with an enormous, beautiful fish inside, only the fish has already hung itself from a tiny noose.

Screenwriter Nora Ephron seems to have passed away, according to this uncomfortably indeterminate column by her friend Liz Smith that just appeared on the internet. Her former close friend Margo Howard also writes on Twitter that Ephron passed away from cancer, and that a funeral is scheduled for Thursday. [Update: We're told it has now been pushed back until after the Fourth of July.] According to the Observer, Ephron's representatives are not commenting on Smith's column.

A 72-year-old Teaneck, New Jersey resident was taken into custody by police last night after he reportedly aimed a gun at a neighbor who farted outside his door.

Out of all the things I love about this remix from Bulgarian producer KiNK - the hint of foreboding, the contrast between the Glass Candy-esque low-fi vocal and the crisp track, the throbbing - I love its space the most. It sounds like it's cycling through a small start up and shutdown on every quarter note.

The Seattle-based "casual dining" restaurant chain Red Robin is turning up the heat in a big way by unveiling the very first nationally marketed hamburgers to be infused with a kick in the jaw from the notorious Naga Bhut Jolokia — AKA the Ghost Pepper.

It was a real shotgun wedding for newlyweds Eric and Maegan Walber who tumbled into Michigan's Gun Lake along with the rest of their wedding party when the dock they were standing on buckled and broke.

As part of a new rehabilitation initiative entitled "Redemption through Reading," four federal prisons in Brazil will allow inmate to shave up to 48 days per year off their sentence in exchange for reading books.

What will be the lasting legacy of gay marriage? A more just and equal society? Or all white people being forced onto reservations by the first American Indian president? If you ask Patricia Weber, "La Jolla resident since 1953," it's... the white deportation one.

Police arrested a Massachusetts man for allegedly assaulting his stepdaughter with a dangerous weapon. His weapon of choice? A batch of McDonald's French fries.

Since we started covering Target's voracious anti-unionism and labor woes last year, former employees have described the company to us as "humiliating," "'pleasant' slavery," and "the sketchiest place I ever worked," among many other things. But—to our surprise—Target is also one of the "World's Most Ethical Companies."

As part of an experiment to determine if a human being thrown into a lava lake would sink or float (??), a team of super-serious science guys tossed a 66lb. bag full of organic trash from approximately 260 feet up straight into the basaltic lava lake of Ethiopia's Erta Ale shield volcano.

A 22-year-old Texas man was arrested yesterday for allegedly attacking a neighbor and eating his family's dog alive.

18-year-old Mary Christine Chapa of Portland, Texas, is in serious but stable condition after an unknown assailant shot her in the head last Saturday around Midnight.

This week has been tough on obviousness. There are the subtle implications of the Supreme Court's Arizona rulings and the murmurs of its coming Affordable Care Act rulings. Both make Mitt Romney and the Romney campaign mention words until reporters disperse in frustration. "WE SAID WORDS THAT ARE SYNONYMS WITH POLITICS. PLEASE GO AWAY."

Hoping he might be able to get something to treat his chronic ennui, Henri the Existential Cat pays a visit to Le Vet.

The whole "big idea" behind having a system of public schools to educate our nation's children is that the public schools are free to attend. We pay taxes, and those taxes pay for schools. The schools are open to all the kids, for free. If you're paying money in order to attend a school, that's called a private school. New system: all schools are private!

50 Cent was taken to a Queens hospital last night after a truck collided with his SUV on the Long Island Expressway. He is currently undergoing treatment for possible neck and back injuries.