"Did you see the news today? The scientists are saying that chocolate could be good for your blood circulation. Well I'll be. Who knew? Chocolate is a health food? No more going to the doctor for me! I have a bag of Hershey's Kisses, and that's a lot cheaper than health insurance! Oh, maybe I'll still go to my favorite doctor—Mr. Goodbar! Doctor Hershey's, I should say! I have a pill bottle—full of M&Ms! It does wonders! It always makes me feel better! Hey, I guess now you can eat whatever you want for dinner—as long as you have a chocolate sundae for dessert! Dessert is the new diet! I'm going on an all-chocolate diet—for my health! If chocolate is healthy, well, I'm a regular Olympic athlete! Send me to London—for the 100-meter chocolate dash! And swimming—in a pool of chocolate! I'd definitely win the gold medal! I hope it's just gold foil covering chocolate! I think I'll give up jogging and take up eating more! I've cut back my jogging to only one destination—the candy store! It's for my health, thank you! I'm giving up the Weight Watchers in favor of chocolate milkshakes—for my health! Hey, can these scientists have a little talk with my waistline? It doesn't seem to be listening to reason! I'm skipping the gym today and just eating chocolate instead—for my health! This is the greatest discovery since sliced bread—even better, actually, because I'm on a low-carb diet! Except for chocolate carbs! I have to eat those—doctor's orders! Chocolate—for my health! I approve this message!"

After Elle Zober's husband of 10 years left her for his mistress, a "22 year old college student who likes yoga," she didn't get mad — she put their Beaverton, Oregon house up for sale and posted a sign on the front yard informing potential buyers of her husband's affair.

Conflicting reports on how Halle Berry was injured during filming of her upcoming movie The Hive, but all end with her being rushed to LA's Ceders-Sinai Medical Center around 10 PM last night in an unknown condition.

If there is one thing the Oregon Dental Association knows, it's that kids won't listen to any oral hygiene PSA that isn't set to "Teach Me How to Dougie" by Cali Swag District.

Good news, birthers — Joe Arpaio is sure President Obama's birth certificate is fradulent.

When she's not stripping, making porn, or raising her 14 children, Nadya "Octomom" Suleman is shilling for an online lending network called — wait for it — OctoLoan.

John McCain didn't mean to throw shade at Mitt Romney in his interview with Politico today: his point was that he saw Romney's mysterious tax returns when he vetted him for VP back in 2008. But what most people seem to be taking away from the interview is his explanation of why he chose Sarah Palin over Romney — "Because we thought that Sarah Palin was the better candidate."

Police finally arrested a serial foot licker who was targeting young girls between the ages of five and ten.

Critic Marshall Fine saw The Dark Knight Rises and didn't care for it much. That's bad enough, but then he had to go and post his opinion on the internet, thereby ruining the film's then-perfect Rotten Tomatoes rating. (Since then, it's dropped down to 85 percent, with eight "rotten" reviews overall. Sorry, fanboys and girls.)

Nearly fifteen years after the airing of a Seinfeld episode that gently poked fun at the incomprehensibility of many New Yorker cartoons, the august Condé Nast property is gently poking fun at itself by republishing the cartoon featured in that episode, and asking readers to caption it.

Lady Gaga tweeted the first promotional image for her new black sludge perfume "Fame" today.

Just a few hours before it was due to make the rumored news official, Coachella's Twitter account let the cruise out of the bag: The S.S. Coachella will indeed set sail.

In a feature on Joseph Gordon-Levitt that appears in the latest issue of GQ (which the actor also covers), writer Amy Wallace ascribed the 2010 death of his older brother, fire spinner Burning Dan, to "an alleged drug overdose."

Let me just preface everything here by saying that, as someone who is dumb enough to still subscribe to Entertainment Weekly, I deserve pretty much everything I get. In the age of affordable tablets and comprehensive pop culture sites like the AV Club and Vulture, anyone still paying $50 a year for Entertainment Weekly just so they have something to read at the gym is a moron. I get all that. Your scorn is accepted and understood.

Anyone concerned that the upcoming Olympics would focus too much on sports and not enough on haute couture fashion can breathe a sigh of relief – the roster of performers for the closing ceremony was revealed Monday, and Kate Moss is prominently featured.

Four-year-old McKenna May has been in and out of hospitals countless times since she was diagnosed with leukemia two years ago.

Today on his radio show, Rush Limbaugh blew the lid off of President Obama's most devious plot yet: the villain in this summer's new Batman move is named Bane, a homophone of Bain, the financial services company founded by Mitt Romney. But why is Limbaugh ignoring the far deeper, and far more disturbing conspiracy right in front of his nose?

In this world—the real world, where human beings are made of skin and bones and plasma—you are one of the many poor souls out there fighting to get (or keep) a job, to keep your bank account in the black just so that you can keep the water running and the lights on. You worry about the long-term future. How will I support a family? Is true success beyond the average American? Two decades from now, will I be even worse off than I am now? That's the real world.

Andrew Stanton, who's had a hand in nearly every Pixar movie worth watching, has received a decent amount of flak for his live-action directorial debut, John Carter, losing Disney a whole bunch of money.

Ask and ye shall receive. Today we told you about the sex scandal surrounding Florida Lieutenant Governor Jennifer Carroll—specifically, that Carletha Cole, a former aide of Carroll's, says that she walked in on the Lt. Gov being orally serviced by Beatriz Ramos, her travel aide.