Following a three-week trolling campaign organized by Something Awful goons David "Arr" Thorpe and Jon "Fart" Hendren, the results are in: Energy-strips-shilling hip hop artist Pitbull will be packing his warmest parka, and heading to Kodiak, Alaska for a visit to the most remote Walmart in America.
Here's Romney surrogate John Sununu on Fox News telling Megyn Kelly someone that President Obama "has no idea how the American system functions" because "he spent his early years in Hawaii smoking something [and] spent the next set of years in Indonesia."
In between imparting his life motto ("anything for a laugh") and apologizing to his wife of 33 years, Mary Jane, for his smoking habit that "robbed" her "of a decade or more of the two of us growing old together," Salt Lake City resident Val Patterson, who passed away last week of throat cancer, managed to author one of the most amazing autobiographical obituaries ever published.
If you planned to open a bordello in or around an IKEA, where might you do it?
Warren Hill (pictured) was convicted of a 1985 murder, and was sentenced to death after being convicted of beating a fellow inmate to death in 1990. He is scheduled to be executed by the state of Georgia tomorrow evening. Warren Hill's IQ is 70. He has been found by a court to be mentally retarded. Georgia plans to kill him anyhow.
Justin Bieber revealed a sneak peek today his August cover of Rolling Stone, which pimps the recently pubertized pop star as "HOT, READY, LEGAL." MTV compares the cover to Justin Timberlake's 2002 cover. But a more unsettling resemblance is to Rolling Stone's cover from exactly eight years ago, the August 2004 cover featuring 18-year-old Lindsay Lohan—similarly hot, ready and legal. And we all know how that ended up.
Nas' 10th album Life Is Good is officially out today and it is...not Illmatic. While it is generally assumed that the rapper is chasing the elusive glory of his classic 1994 debut, there is a confidence that pervades Good. The result is a spotty-as-ever Nas record that is as enjoyable as it is dismissible. For example, the kiss-off to his ex-wife Kelis, "Bye Baby," is more exhibitionistic than it is profound ("Reason you don't trust men, that was ya daddy fault / He in the grave let it go he no longer living / Said you caught him cheating with mom, fucking other women / Fuck that gotta do with us? Here's the keys to the newest truck"). On the album cover, he sits with her green wedding dress draped over his knee.
Man with a hat and Good Times alum Jimmie J.J. Walker is shilling a memoir, so CNN had him on recently. During the interview, he expressed his stance against gays being able to get married.
The Boy Scouts of America today put the kibosh on a proposal to overturn their longstanding, Supreme-Court-upheld ban on openly gay troop leaders and scouts.
Jennifer Carroll is Florida's Lieutenant Governor, second in command to the insane and unpopular Rick Scott. Carroll is one of the few nationally prominent black female Republicans. (She is also insane, but that's a topic for another day.) A former aide to Carroll says that she walked in on her in a sexually compromising position with Beatriz Ramos, Carroll's travel aide. So then—where is Beatriz Ramos?
"Call Me Maybe" has nothing on the Scissor Sisters' "Let's Have a Kiki" as the song of this summer, at least for a certain segment of the population. Everywhere you go, some gay person is listening to it or talking about it or listening to it and talking about it or devising a parody to it or hijacking brunch with it or just having a kiki. Anne Hathaway, a noted friend of friends of Dorothy, gushed about it to David Letterman last week. A kiki, as defined by the song is "a party, for calming all your nerves" full of tea and not lacking in shade. You know, gay stuff.
When 52-year-old Stephen St. Bernard, an MTA bus driver from Brooklyn, spotted 7-year-old Keyla McCree standing perilously close to the edge of an AC unit outside a third-story apartment in Coney Island, he immediately rushed to the rescue.
Katie Holmes and Suri Cruise (is it sans the Cruise yet? Who can know?) were hit by a steaming, simmering New York City-summer pile of garbage yesterday as they were leaving Chelsea Piers after a day of more mandatory normalcy.
Jeanette Bennett, the Utah Valley Magazine editor who attracted some attention recently for appending the headline "Women of Color" to a photo of her all-white staff, has penned a thoughtful and heartfelt response to her critics on her personal blog, Jeanette Gazette. The upshot: As a Mormon, she knows what it's like to be black, and all she was doing is asking black and latino ladies if she can be a woman of color, too. Oh, Jeanette.
If there was one thing you could always count on, it was that if you, a red-blooded American male, were ever to experience the pain of hair loss, there would always be a strong, welcoming, American-owned Hair Club For Men for you to turn to. Well. Things have changed.
Wes Anderson's follow-up to Moonrise Kingdom will be titled The Grand Budapest Hotel, and is set to star Johnny Depp in his debut role for the famed indie auteur.
