Bloated spawn of a Penn Station ashtray and Nickelodeon slime Donald Trump spent the afternoon holed up in Trump Tower hosting a massive money booth, filled with hundreds of people trying to grab at the sweaty dollars blowing around them. Sort of, anyway. After the Don announced via Twitter this morning that he would be giving away suitcases full of cash, close to a thousand people descended on the Trump Tower lobby to try for the giveaways. Turns out, this sudden bout of generosity has less to do with a kind heart and everything to do with the launch of a new crowdfunding scam called FundAnything.

America's most popular child-rearing consortium, the Coca-Cola corporation, declared today that it is taking a slew of new measures to make sure that you and your children do not turn into a bunch of walking diabetes bombs, courtesy of Coca-Cola products. Seriously, this is the last thing Coca-Cola is going to do for you, okay? Take some fucking responsibility, for chrissake.

Bluth's Original Frozen Banana stand opened for business today in Britain, marking only two weeks and four days left before Arrested Development returns to Netflix. The promotional pop-up will be traveling through London, Los Angeles, and New York City in the run-up to Sunday, May 26, when all 15 episodes of season four will be available to watch on that magical streaming box in your lap, an occasion which Michael Cera and Jason Bateman will personally commemorate by burning the banana stand to the ground and visiting Jeffrey Tambor in prison. OK, maybe not that last part.

I don't do a lot of parachuting, generally, but this is not really how you're supposed to do it.

If you weren't tuned in to CNN at 10:00 p.m. Tuesday night to witness the car wreck that was Chris Cuomo's insane interview with "vivacious, sexually adventurous, guitar-playing student" (and accused murderer) Amanda Knox—why? Why weren't you watching CNN? Were you doin' some sex stuff? Some kinda freaky sex stuff? Some freaky sex stuff like everybody says you like? 'Zat what gets you off? Sex? You like doing sex? Chris Cuomo will be arriving at your home shortly to grill you about your perversions.

An Oklahoma man is demanding an apology and the termination of a Tractor Supply Company employee after he received a "threatening dildo" in the mail following a confrontation at a local Tractor Supply store last year.

The Heights High School senior class president was suspended from school and banned from graduation ceremonies after he posted a tweet that insinuated his school's athletics were nonexistent.

In an apparent reference to doodle-rapper Kitty Pryde's sexual-assault defense of Danny Brown's handling of getting his dick sucked on stage last week (about which she later gloated to Stereogum, "I been smarter than you guys this whole time"), a crowd of guys at the pair's New York show last night chanted, "Suck his dick! Suck his dick!" throughout her opening set, according to The Village Voice's Devon Maloney. Maloney writes:

Around 15 newsroom staffers at the NY Daily News were laid off today, including Joanna Molloy and Christina Boyle. One insider called today "horrible."

What can't you find on Craigslist: A guitar player to jam with; an affordable apartment in New York City; a free miniature horse.

Amazon warehouse workers are forced to stand in line for 20 minutes or more— unpaid— at the end of their shifts, waiting for guards to search them for anything they might have stolen from work. They're suing, rightly.

A group of students calling themselves Free Cooper Union have just staged a sit-in in Cooper Union President Jamshed Bharucha's office to protest the school's controversial plan to end its 154-year-old tradition of free tuition in order to address a $16.5 million budget deficit.

Judging by Internet jokes alone, Kim Kardashian's floral evening gown definitely stole the show at Monday night's Met Gala.

When is financial aid for poor students no aid at all? When private universities dole it out as "'merit aid,' to top students, who are often affluent," in order to increase their college rankings "while charging unaffordable prices to the needy."

Lying clown Mike Daisey is premiering his new monologue in Portland. It's called "Journalism."

This GIF shows CNN's Nancy Grace and correspondent Ashleigh Banfield in what appears to be a remote interview. Except that, uh—isn't that the same car in the background of both shots?

Even though I know it would be better for my life and well-being, I cannot tear myself away from Ke$ha's highly stilted MTV reality show My Crazy Beautiful Life. This week's theme was what other people think of Ke$ha, which is very telling regarding the inner lives of stars in a way reminiscent of Reese Witherspoon. Just as Reese confirmed that for at least one star, "Do you know who I am?" is right at the tip of her tongue, Ke$ha confirms that she cares what you think of her. She really, really cares. That's no way to be the carefree weirdo she's based her persona on. On last night's show, Ke$ha despaired over Perez Hilton's negative opinion over her and cried tears of joy when the Los Angeles Times compared her to Dylan.

If you know anything about the Internet, you know that there was no way the insta-iconic interview with Cleveland hero Charles Ramsey wasn't going to be autotuned.

Media companies love to wrap themselves (ourselves) in the cloak of "ideas" just as much as advertising firms love to burnish themselves with the patina of "creativity." In both cases, it is self-flattery disguised as public celebration. We the media are not simply engaged in telling you stuff that happens; we are in the more lofty business of propagating ideas. Ideas! Who doesn't love ideas? What sort of ideas? Oh... all types of ideas!

Today in True Historical Misadventures of the CIA: the time they tried to turn a cat into a spy.