Today, a Tennesseean five-year-old brought a gun to school in his backpack. While the kindergarten student waited for the morning bell in the Westside Elementary cafeteria, the pistol fired one round. Via WMC-TV, the Shelby County Schools' statement:

Here is a sentence, in Playboy magazine: “Michiko Kakutani from The New York Times, a reviewer notorious for going completely relentless bitch on many a good book, has always gushed over Díaz’s writing.”

An off-season meeting of the Colorado legislature's Economic Opportunity Poverty Reduction Task Force erupted in "audible gasps" yesterday after Republican state senator Vicki Marble stunned her colleagues by tying the increased rate of poverty among blacks to their penchant for fried chicken and BBQ.

This just in: Man says something stupid about women.

America's opportunistic race-hustlers, unsatisfied by their victory in the Trayvon Martin case, won't stop looking for reasons to rile up white people. So now the latest yapping point in our national conversation about race is the murder of Christopher Lane, the white Australian student allegedly killed for kicks by two black teenagers, with a white teenager as their accomplice in the shooting.

Just recently in Dyersburg, Tennessee, a number of custom-made purple signs materialized around the 17,000-person town, alerting local drinkers they were unwitting pawns of the Devil. Strategically placed across from alcohol purveyors, the banners proffered these admonishments:

Americans love to move to shitholes, so why don't they move to the shitholes where the jobs are? It's a mystery.

Authorities in Wisconsin say a driver who was too busy texting to pay attention to the road ended up slamming his rented convertible into the back of a farm tractor hauling a trailer full of liquid manure.

Celine Dion is now on Twitter. Now let's see just how amazing she really is.

Once in a while an attempted robbery will fail so spectacularly that it becomes necessary to thank the would-be robber for attempting the crime in the first place, thereby allowing the world to witness such astounding defeat.

Earlier this week, veteran Fox News PR chief and Roger Ailes confidante Brian Lewis was abruptly fired, with vague allegations of "financial irregularities." The real reasons are still murky. What happened? Speculate with us below.

Not long ago, a blue-shirted villain casually strolled into Tina Fey's office, stole her laptop of "unfinished jokes," and walked right out. But then she made that whole ordeal into a joke. Good job making lemonade, lady.

NBC San Diego is reporting that Mayor Bob Filner, (alleged) serial sexual harasser, will resign tomorrow.

If you woke up this morning thinking "today will be the day I finally see Peter Dinklage working a rainbow hula-hoop on the dance floor of a Canadian gay bar," you have weirdly specific goals. But you're also correct.

Woody Allen's Blue Jasmine is going to have the widest theatrical release of the director's career. Starring Cate Blanchett, Blue Jasmine has already made $9.9 million at the box office, still far below 2011's Midnight in Paris, which earned $56.8 million.

An adult industry performer who tested positive this week for HIV shot her most recent sex scene with Xander Corvus — the man who starred as Anthony Weiner in Sydney Leathers' just released porn debut "Weiner and Me."

William T. Vollman, pictured left, is not the Unabomber. He's a National Book-Award winning novelist, and a certified weirdo, but he's not the Unabomber. Or, for that matter, the Anthrax mailer. And yet the FBI thought he might be.

Yesterday, former U.S. soldier Bradley (now Chelsea) Manning was sentenced to 35 years in prison for leaking classified U.S. government documents to Wikileaks. Journalists and news outlets owe Manning more than gratitude. We owe her the truth: in a just world, we'd be in the cell next to her.

An employee at Kentucky's Creation Museum was struck by lighting on the job yesterday.