Haha, would you believe me if I told you that Whole Foods, the grocery store of Wealthy Housewives On Their Way to Yoga Who Just Need a $12.99 Juice, is still trying to convince America that it is not an "expensive" grocery store? What's the big joke, guys?

After hundreds of civilians were apparently killed in what rebels say was a chemical weapon attack in Syria yesterday, United Nations representatives are calling for investigation, action, and reactions of "force."

On Monday, we ran an interview with Nick Gruber, Calvin Klein’s ex-boy toy. He discussed his impending Fashion Week sashay down the runway and his plans to get his extreme sports business off the ground. Nick also served us some whoppers, like the fact that he’s straight, but believes in love; he never planned on writing a tell-all book about the designer; and despite his recent fights and tantrums, he’s “a great, loving, caring person.” Well, the phone just rang, and it happened to be John Luciano, the 49-year-old man whom Nick had told us he never dated. John had some lovely things to say about that—and everything else, too.

Kidnapping survivor Hannah Anderson spoke to Today this morning to clarify certain details of her ordeal—specifically the reasons behind her phone, text, and mail contact with her kidnapper—though she says that she's not ready to discuss the full story yet.

It was just over a year ago that the ground suddenly opened up beneath the residents of Bayou Corne, Louisiana, and swallowed their lives whole.

The Army private who leaked classified state departments to Wikileaks, born Bradley Manning, has announced that she would like to be referred to as Chelsea Manning, using feminine pronouns, and wants to begin hormone therapy "as soon as possible."

San Diego Mayor Bob Filner, who has been accused of sexual harassment by 18 women, including a great-grandmother and a disabled Iraq war veteran's nurse, reached a settlement with city leaders on Wednesday. The deal will remain confidential until Friday, when it will be presented to the San Diego City Council.

A 3-month-old Indian baby has burst into flames at least four times without any obvious external cause, leading doctors to investigate the possibility that the infant suffers from spontaneous human combustion.

Ayo Kimathi works as a small business specialist for the Department of Homeland Security. After work, he reportedly runs a website called War on the Horizon, which features your standard federal employee opinions, like describing President Obama as "a treasonous mulatto scum dweller … who will fight against reparations for Black people in amerikkka, but in favor of fag rights for freaks in amerikkka and Afrika."

With artist Andy Golub's semi-nude body-paint models doing their semi-nude body-paint thing in the heart of Times Square, many passers-by couldn't help but stop and admire the, um, art.

No elegant waterfowl or low-center-of-gravity-having corgi is safe from being cooked alive and eaten in the shadow of Windor Castle. Earlier this week, the charred remains of a swan were left on a riverbank near the Queen’s residence. Wendy Hermon, a representative for Swan Lifeline, a charity devoted to rehabilitating sick and injured swans around the Thames, told the Telegraph the bird had “definitely been barbecued” which sounds delicious, though she seemed upset about it.

Yesterday, Michael Brandon Hill, a 20-year-old with a history of mental illness, allegedly entered Ronald E. McNair Discovery Learning Academy, an elementary school in Decatur, Georgia, with an AK-47 and nearly 500 rounds of ammunition. Dressed in black, he'd slipped in behind someone authorized to be there and confronted Antoinette Tuff, a bookkeeper who'd just sat down temporarily to relieve the school secretary of her duty. This was serendipitous timing: Tuff is the one who ultimately convinced Hill to surrender before anyone was hurt.

In a letter sent to the St. Petersburg International Film Festival on Wednesday, Prison Break star Wentworth Miller came out as gay and declined an invitation to the festival because of the recent government-sanctioned oppression of gay rights in Russia. From the letter:

Investors getting glassy-eyed over the potential riches to be made in the "dot bong era" of legalized pot may want to proceed with caution. The Financial Industry Regulatory Authority issued a warning this week about "potential scams associated with marijuana-related stocks."

Anthony Stokes, the Atlanta teenager initially denied a spot on his hospital's heart donor list because of his "history of non-compliance,” underwent successful heart transplant surgery Tuesday evening.

New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg and NYPD Commissioner Ray Kelly held a news conference earlier this week to brag about the largest gun bust in the city's history.

When brought together in real life, people who interact mostly online spend a lot of time glancing sideways, trying to recognize each other from blurry Twitter avatars and Instagram photos. About 80 of those people gathered on Monday night at a fundraiser in midtown Manhattan for Barrett Brown and Jeremy Hammond, two imprisoned Anonymous hacktivists, and I felt the gaze long before I got the tweet. "@adrianchen IRL… LOL," tweeted @an0nyc, an Anonymous twitter account with over 20,000 followers the proprietor of which, I assumed, was looking at me at that moment.

A Florida chapter of the historic Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity was suspended today after a mole leaked dozens of screenshots showing brothers using Facebook to sell drugs, brag about hazing pledges, and post nude photos of female students without their consent.

Scientists have always believed that, as you get older, you look all worn down and old, and hell, that's just the way it is, tough shit. But a groundbreaking new study says that, like everything else screwed up about you, this is something that you can blame on your mom.

The Nixon Library at the National Archives just released the last 340 hours of the infamous White House tapes recorded by racist Jew-hater Richard Nixon, who lost a three-year court battle to have the them destroyed. The new tapes’ 2,905 conversations aren’t yet transcribed, but the library says they touch on the Vietnam War, the Soviet Union, and the Watergate scandal that led to Nixon’s resignation in 1974.