In the 11th grade, I was outed as a Homosexican by a wicked lesbian with a brawny, murderous jawline. She was the nefarious and lesbianly athletic bastion of projectile teenage misery, and I, the unpopular, inconsequential bystander of her hatred for my then best friends.

While you were out eating dinner with your girlfriend/boyfriend — or, alternately, watching House of Cards by yourself — Andrew Dekenipp was scaling walls and fighting through razor wire at Pinal County Adult Detention Center. He had love on his mind.

Kanye West raps about Kim Kardashian on the remix of Beyoncé and Jay Z's "Drunk in Love." James Franco and Seth Rogen got next.

The eastbound Pennsylvania Turnpike near Bensalem was shut down for a large portion of the day yesterday as over 100 cars piled up along the highway. After the first accident occurred at 8:30am, the collisions continued, causing 30 people to be taken into care for injuries. A foot of snow had fallen in the area only five hours earlier, which is speculated to be the cause of the initial crash, as well as sun glare from the icy roads and lifted speed restrictions. The turnpike was open again at 4pm yesterday evening, and the damage cleared, but questions will now be posed on who is responsible for the day-long shakeup. Fingers are already being pointed at the PA Turnpike Commission.

Last night during her coming out speech at an LGBTQ youth conference in Las Vegas, Ellen Page talked about the crushing weight of Hollywood beauty standards. She mentioned specifically an article about her on E!'s web site, which was "mysteriously" pulled offline afterward.

A South Carolina woman was held overnight in a Pickens County jail for failing to return the Jennifer Lopez/Jane Fonda classic Monster-In-Law for nearly 10 years. 27-year-old Kayla Finley rented the dark, cult film from her local video store in 2005, and felt such a connection to its tragic plotline—woman hates in-law, in-law also hates woman—that she never mustered the gumption to give it back, as it carried her from fresh adulthood through to knowing quarter-life. After Finley turned up at her local precinct on other business, an active warrant was discovered in her name, issued by the monster-in-video-store, which has since closed.

The Winter Olympics are fun and spectacular, but they also feature hundreds of people launching themselves very high in the air or riding down mountains at many, many miles per hour. Injuries — deaths — do happen, including a severe one today.

A fire broke out at the National Archives in Kew, London this morning at about 12:30 GMT/7:30 EST. The building is home to over 11 million British treasures, a host of which can be viewed here, and the source of the flame has not yet been revealed. According to the Archives' Twitter, no one has been injured and all documents remain intact, though the fire is still being fought by over twenty firemen.

Dr. Owen Churches of Flinders University in Australia has learned that we are now reacting to emoticons in the same way that we would to a human face. In a study published in the Social Neuroscience Journal, it was found that when presented with images of humans, random strings of characters, and emoticons, participants' occipitotemporal cortex had the same response with both human faces and emoticons. This brain development has only taken 32 years to occur, as the first documented use of emoticon was in 1982 by Professor Scott Fahlman, pictured above.

Actress Ellen Page publicly came out as gay Friday evening, while giving a speech at Time to THRIVE, a national LGBTQ youth conference held in Las Vegas.

[Norway's skip Thomas Ulsrud acknowledges the cheers of fan Rune Eikeland during men's curling competition against China at the Winter Olympics on Friday. Image via Robert F. Bukaty/AP.]

Kanye West blasted Charlamagne tha God and Sway during a recent show: "What the fuck you did the past 10 years of your past motherfucking life? Charlamagne! Sway! The fuck you did?" Imagine how much more interesting their interviews would have been had he said that then. Imagine how much less cowardly he'd look now.

Before he fled to America as a refugee sponsored by CNN, whinging British scold Piers Morgan was the editor of the British tabloid The Daily Mirror. His activities there are finally coming back to haunt him.

First, the good news: A bill approved Wednesday by the Kansas House of Representatives by a vote of 72 to 49 that would allow for Jim Crow-style anti-gay discrimination seems unlikely to pass even in the Republican-controlled Senate, according to Senate President Susan Wagle.

Happy Valentine's Day! If you haven't settled down with a nice Ivy League man yet, you're going to die alone.

"If this is you- rest assured, you're not gay and for the record, fantasizing about having sex with another man or actually having sex with him doesn't make you gay either." A crazy person explains "How Porn Makes You a Rapist."

Imagine a bullfrog, sitting on a rock. Can you picture it? Now ask yourself: where is the bullfrog? Is he on the rock? Or is he in your mind? Gurl U no U must make out with the man that ask U this.

This new RoboCop movie does not care that anyone might compare it unfavorably to the original 1987 RoboCop movie. It has been programmed not to care about these things. The most readily available metaphor, which is also true, is that the new movie has killed the human mind and guts of its predecessor and kept the cold mechanical body. The whole thing is flat and obvious; even its musical cues land with the clanking unsubtlety of its protagonist's metallic footsteps.

Yesterday, a man decided to take an ad out in his local paper with a special request for his date on Valentine's Day. It's... sort of sweet?

Obscure—that is, bad—satire is duping a lot of people this week. It's supposed to be funny. A lot of it's not. And it's really painful. But this is the internet.