Mitchell Wright, a nine-year veteran of the Seattle police force who spent three of those working with the DEA, had big dreams. He wasn't satisfied with taking drugs off the streets — in fact, it was the opposite. He was going to become a drug kingpin, and strippers were going to help him.

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Gemma Worrall, a beautician from Blackpool, England, took to Twitter this week to air her grievances against "our president Barraco Barner" for getting involved in Russia. What happened next won't surprise you at all, not even a little bit.

"Unless you are famous at the Oscars, you are completely invisible. I have never experienced anything like it." Jennifer Lawrence's best friend, who caught her infamous fall, reports from the red carpet for Myspace.

This week in Florida Walmart: one in Tampa sold a steak tainted with LSD to a family four, all of whom ended up in the hospital after becoming ill and suffering hallucinations, according to the Tampa Police Dept.

If the putrescent gut rot that is social media website Twitter.com hasn't already taken over your brain, now it can also take over your house. With a help of a few apps and a misunderstanding of burglary, changes in lighting, temperature, and guest arrivals can be announced and monitored through social media.

On the second day of CPAC, all of the main speakers are white men.

Friday afternoon, at about 1:40 pm EST, a passenger jet flying from Kuala Lumpur to Beijing disappeared from radar screens and lost radio contact with air traffic control. Malaysia Airlines Flight 370, which was scheduled to land four hours later, was carrying 227 passengers, including two infants, and 12 crew members.

It's been a good week for Jurassic Park remixes. First we get Jeff Goldblum's freaky laugh, and now Bangkok's We Are Camera Studio has recast all the raptors in the film's famous chase scene as even-more-terrifying cats. Clever girls!

Kesha Sebert has successfully completed rehab for eating disorders, and she says she's come away from the experience feeling "blessed." She's also come away from it as The Artist Formerly Known as Ke$ha, dropping the dollar sign in favor of a much more Google-friendly "s." Way to think about yr SEO, gurl. That's healthy.

Mike Maggio is a judge in Arkansas. He is also a big LSU fan. He is also the commenter geauxjudge on an LSU fan site, and he posts some peachy comments there about sluts, gays, minorities, rodeo sex fantasies, and this one time he presided over Charlize Theron's son's adoption.

"You've come a long way to stroke your cock watching real men train," says Sparta's Queen Gorgo (Game of Thrones' Lena Headey) to Themistocles (Sullivan Stapleton), the Athenian protagonist of 300: Rise of an Empire. This serves as a quick lesson in how to watch this thing, director Noam Murro's not-quite-sequel to Zack Snyder's 2006 movie 300. ("What do you call it? A prequel? A sequel?" Murro said to the L.A. Times. "It's an equal, hopefully. It's a different perspective of the same time. Thematically, that's an interesting place to be." Yes. Innnnnteresting.)

[An athlete representing Ukraine enters the arena during the opening ceremony of the 2014 Winter Paralympics in Sochi on Friday. Image via Dmitry Lovetsky.]

Think you’ve read that BuzzFeed post about things you may have missed in Clueless? Think again.

A Ukrainian military base in Sevastopol, Crimea is reportedly under siege by Russian forces. No shots have been fired, and the Ukrainian soldiers have taken shelter inside a bunker, according to the commander at a nearby Ukrainian base.

There's never enough time or space to give him his due. Here's all he's been up to:

Here's perhaps the only lighthearted revelation from Edward Snowden's NSA leaks: The spy agency has its own advice columnist. The anonymous writer, who uses the pen name "Zelda," has covered everything from flip-flops in the office to nosey supervisors.

A pregnant Florida South Carolina mother who drove a minivan into the ocean with her three children inside has been charged with attempted murder.

The internet was weird this week. Mostly in a good way. But also in a bullshitty way.

During his Thursday speech at CPAC, the conserva-palooza, vice presidential also-ran Paul Ryan used a touching story about an undernourished child to argue why free or reduced-priced school lunches were a bad thing. Touching, but false. And he continues to perpetuate the falsehood.