Crime is down in the Modern Gomorrah, but not everyone has accepted it.

The Drudge Report just blared that New York City is the target of a “CREDIBLE THREAT DAYS AHEAD OF CHRISTMAS.” This terrorist plot is actually not true and BASED ON A FAULTY LOCAL NEWS REPORT DENIED BY THE NPYD. You may go back to worrying SLIGHTLY LESS THAN USUAL.

New York University, both the city’s largest school and its largest land-grabber, is finally ending its long tradition of awarding top administrators with lavish real estate. Just kidding—it’s actually doing the exact opposite.

So you want to live in New York City.

More than 181,000 people applied for 14 affordable apartments in Bushwick, Brooklyn. Time to start tweaking the master plan.

A Business Improvement District in the Bronx has cancelled its annual Christmas tree lighting ceremony because they used their budget to hire a security guard to shoo away homeless people, instead. Merry Christmas.

Now available for rent in Manhattan: a 360-square-foot “micro-apartment” for $2,750 a month. And in Brooklyn, “5 Great Neighborhoods Where You Can Find a One-Bedroom Under $2,600.” I love this town!

“A man with a white pet rat got into an argument with a bodega clerk over the price of a Grandma’s Chocolate Chip cookie, refused to pay and kicked in the store’s glass door as he left, according to police.” Please share this post virally.

An unsuccessful stockbroker charged with murdering his wife reportedly admitted in court this week that he had considered selling his 13-year-old daughter in Mexico to collect on her inheritance.

Two people were slashed with a razor blade this afternoon on a Manhattan-bound C train near the Ralph Avenue stop in Brooklyn, according to the NYPD. Both victims were hospitalized with minor injuries, and a suspect is in custody.

The latest report on New York City real estate prices, out today: Manhattan and Brooklyn home prices and rents are at all-time highs and rising, and the market is saturated with expensive luxury homes while anything affordable sells faster than ever. You could leave, but where would you go?

The NYPD is looking for a man accused of masturbating in a subway station, then pulling a gun when someone tried to catch him on video.

Anything that can be pitched as a startup acquires an undeserved sheen. It’s not a water bottle; it’s a hydration system. This isn’t an overpriced group home from hell; it’s a Brooklyn co-living space.

Rats shall inherit New York City, if this year is anything to go by.

Wow—you like the Mets? Okay—congrats. A thousand apologies for my failure to immediately fall to my knees and worship your great moral courage.

As all New Yorkers know, the best section in the New York Times bar none is the “Sunday Routine.” So far this year, 38 people have been featured in the “Sunday Routine.” What is their Sunday routine?

Brooklyn—the brand—is more popular than ever. It’s the hottest thing in Paris fashion! What can Brooklyn—the city—get from this, besides exasperating trend stories? Perhaps something useful.

Now that school is back in session, the morning subways are overcrowded with a bunch of kids. What’s being done about this?

For 90 minutes this morning, Long Island Rail Road service was suspended coming into and going out of Penn Station due to “signal trouble.” For 90 minutes this morning, LIRR riders inundated the E, 7, and 2/3 subway lines, as the MTA cross-honored their LIRR fares. For 90 minutes this morning, Satan was released from his prison, deceiving the nations in the four corners of the earth—LIRR and MTA—to gather them for battle.

A federal officer was shot this afternoon outside a federal building in Manhattan’s West Village. The suspect was also wounded and has reportedly been arrested.