• Lindsay Robertson, Alex Balk, and Jon Friedman host tonight's Ritalin Reading at Mo Pitkins, where no author will bore you for more than five minutes. A bunch of other people will be there, too, but that's as many names as we have attention for. (The jokes, they write themselves.) [RitalinReadings]
• Schizophrenic band Cordero brings its "diverse" indie rock/Latin-pop fusion to the hipster homogeneity of the Mercury Lounge. [Upcoming]
• Gardar Eide Einarsson presents Ship of Fools, a play written by Ted Kaczynski, our beloved Unabomber. Each ticket comes with a free pass to a Department of Homeland Security holding cell. [flavorpill]

Today's Page Six details some of Jamie Foxx's lovable antics at Teddy's, Amanda Scheer Demme's celeb-fellating watering hole du jour (and we're sure that ASD's publicist had no hand in planting the item whatsoever), where Foxx entertained some buddies by lavishing his generosity on the waitstaff:

As if lovely downtown New Haven wasn't enough to make you pleased as punch you spent four years someplace else, there's also this event listing making its way to some of Manhattan's more expensively educated inboxes:

Finally accepting that her personal brand can realize far greater value in the nightlife space than in the acting realm, Tara Reid has started exploring entrepreneurial activities exploiting that fact, transforming herself into a mobile nightclub. As she wanders up and down Hollywood Boulevard each night, offering to encircle patrons with her own velvet rope and down shots of tequila with them at surprisingly affordable prices, Tara Reid's VIP Room Fuckin' Club!* can service the entire scene without confining herself to one fleetingly hot location at a time, thus increasing her visibility and insulating the business from the fickleness of the trend-worshipping masses.

• Tonight at Mo Pitkins, cartoonists try really hard to convince you a) that cartoons are a valid form of art and b) that cartoonists are socially viable creatures. Uptown, Neil Gaiman, so valid and viable that his stick-figures are called "novels," gets an entire event to himself at the 92nd Street Y. [flavorpill & Upcoming]
• Nepotism reigns at tonight's reading of The Best American Magazing Writing 2005. 7PM at Half King, where everybody knows your name. [Half King]
• The Oxonian Society hosts a lecture by Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff, but they won't tell you where the lecture is until you've registered. Because when your speaker is party to sensitive intelligence concerning color codes, you have to up security. [Paper]

Friday:
• Like champagne and strawberries or Sonny and Cher, pairing the Guggenheim's RUSSIA! exhibit and Diplo's "baile funk" makes them each component a little better. Enjoy the duo tonight at Flavorpill's First Fridays shindig. [flavorpill]
• Tonight is different from every other night at the Mercury Lounge in that the performance of Holy Fuck will involve instruments you care about, like toy laser-guns. [Paper]
Saturday:
• In honor of its provocative sex scene involving a table spread, bring a stick of butter to the Two Boots' screening of Last Tango in Paris, they'll hook you up with some free buttered popcorn. God only knows what the managers are planning with that dairy stockpile. [Paper]
• The Double hits the Bowery Ballroom with its "ascendant flutes and gentle guitar lines." Peter, Paul, and Mary open. [flavorpill]
Sunday:
• The third day of the Times' Arts & Leisure Weekend series presents Hank Azaria, Bebe Neuwirth, and Goosebumps writer R. L. Stine, among others, with tickets still available for various talks. That was a nice way of saying, "All the good ones are sold out already." [NYT]

• Don't even think of acting like you're cool to check out former New Kid Jordan Knight tonight at B.B. King's with 98 Degrees' Jeff Timmons. If you rat your bangs high enough, maybe Jordan will sign your Lisa Frank pencil holder. [flavorpill]
• Our slutty sister Ana Marie Cox, having finally broken free from the chains of blogging, reads from her new book, Dog Days, at the Astor Place Barnes & Noble, 7 PM. Bring your own martini, because we doubt she'll share hers.
• Makor helps you relive your worst childhood nightmares with its "adult" spelling bee tonight. Take advantage of the one-hour open beer and wine bar beforehand and you should be eliminated and put out of your misery rather quickly. [92Y]

Ah, there's nothing we enjoy more than emails promoting pretentious, bottle-service parties that also include some political commentary (bold added):

• "Mystic Lake," Katy Grannan's new exhibit, features a dozen new nude and half-nude portraits. In case you're wondering, these things go from Playboy to art as soon as you put your dick back in your pants. [Paper]
• In Brian Parks' play Goner, the president has been assassinated, doctors make funny jokes, and the Secret Service runs around threatening to arrest everyone. One out of three ain't too shabby for accuracy. [flavorpill]
• We don't quite understand the idea behind dorkbot-nyc, but some dude named Mikey installed a $2 RFIF tag in his hand. No, we don't know what that is, either, but it sounds like some sort of electronic chip type thing, and that's circus freak enough for us. [Upcoming]

Behold publicist Jonathan Cheban in his latest incarnation: Access Hollywood correspondent! Congrats on the new gig, good lad, but what about your old job as Lizzie Grubman's partner?

• While "French film" may the be most feigned intellectual interest of all time, apparently there are people who do enjoy actually watching the movies. The French Institute Alliance Fran aise caters to said freaks with a festival celebrating writer/director Marguerite Duras, kicking off tonight. [flavorpill]
• Hopping over a country or two, Makor hosts a sneak preview of Fateless, the "semi-autobiographical tale of a 14-year-old Jewish boy swept up by the Holocaust," adapted from the novel from Nobel Prize-winner Imre Kertesz. Yeah, the Holocaust does tend to "sweep" one away. [Upcoming]
• Finally, for those with plainer tastes—cowboys, gorillas, etc—the New York Times offers half-priced movie tickets all week. No, there really isn't anything else going on today. Sorry. [NYT]

Friday:
Doveman is, in fact, not a lone man with a mission of peace, but a bunch of dudes singing "quiet songs about girls." See for yourself tonight at Tonic. [Upcoming]

• The good people at the American Museum of Natural History, champions of all things forgotten, offer a three-day Kwanzaa celebration amidst the dinosaur bones. Today's kick-off festivities include a dance workshop and a performance of a 13th century West African epic. [flavorpill]

• In tonight's edition of Who Knew That Was A Job, Mike Patton "screams, barks, and groans" on stage at Warsaw, and people pay to listen. Rahzel of Roots fame collaborates, with special appearances by Dub Trio and Wilco's Glenn Kotche. [flavorpill]
• Gimme Shelter, screening tonight at MoMA, documents a Rolling Stones concert turned to chaos and the ensuing death of a concertgoer. Fucking evil rock music. [Upcoming]
• For everyone who missed it the first time around, disco dies again tonight at The Delancey, and you can be there to artificially shut it down. Alan McGee and BP Fallon host Death Disco, with performances by Lampa, Nemo, Moto:Rosa, and Four Volts. [WUNY]

• As a glimpse into the creative process, the sculptures of Santiago Calatrava — the architect designing the World Trade Center Transportation Hub — goes on display at the Met. You might as well go; it's not as if you'll see his other project completed in this lifetime. [flavorpill]
• Doing the whole "find the humor in tragedy" coping routine, the good folks at the UCB theatre presesnt the 2005 "It Sucked" Awards tonight, making jokes about things like Katrina and earthquakes. It's much less offensive in front of an audience. [WUNY]
• Beatles cover band the Fab Faux (oh, how we wish we'd come up with that zinger) plays the White Album tonight at Webster Hall. Hopefully, they've aged better than Paul McCartney. [Upcoming]

Friday:
• If Jimmy Stewart and his stupid building make you want to wretch, then A Christmas Story is the holiday movie for you. Catch the 1983 classic, with its triple-dog-dares and its BB guns, on the big screen at the Landmark Sunshine. [flavorpill]
• Even Danny Tenaglia caves to the holidays, presenting the unfortunately-named Be Your 'Elf celebration tonight at Spirit. Insert pointy-shoes joke here. [WUNY]
Saturday:
• The Jews take back the holiday season, declaring Hanukkah just when Christmas was coming to a boil. And they'll be here for 8 nights, kids. Kick off the Festival of Lights with Jewltide III at Southpaw in Park Slope. [flavorpill]
• Jews, schmooze, and booze: The Ball 2005, simultaneously taking over Avalon, The Park, Hiro at the Maritime Hotel and Spider Club, promises to be "the nation's biggest Jewish singles event." Funny, sounds like just another night in Manhattan to us. [Upcoming]
Sunday:
• Makor hosts a chinese food-laden movie fest, featuring films by Gene and Billy Wilder. If you're looking for something a little more mindless, smuggle the eggrolls to King Kong, Cassanova, or The Producers, all now playing. [TONY]
Monday:
• Jackie Hoffman hits Joe's Pub, bringing Christmas (or its bitter alter-ego) to gays, Jews, and other assorted outcasts. Drain the holiday spirit right out of you with a slew of inappropriate jokes and a rousing "Hanukkah, oh Hanukkah" or two, because Christmas is over. Thank God. [flavorpill]

Happy Friday, folks, and so it's time for Blue States Lose, where we sort through the galleries of fucked-up hipsters at The Cobrasnake, Last Night's Party, Misshapes and Ambrel so you don't have to. Then Joey Arak bring you our 10 favorites each Friday. After the jump, enjoy the disaffected magic.

• We've reached the date where trying to avoid Christmas is just no longer worth the effort. Surrender tonight at the Masters at Work Annual Christmas Jam Session, 10:30-5 at Deep. Tiny Tim costume optional. [flavorpill]
• Lip Service does A Tribute to Tina Turner, Holiday Style tonight at Galapagos. It's unclear whether "holiday style" means that heavy drug use and abusive relationships are downplayed or highlighted. With the audience in question, probably the latter. [Paper]
• To round out the Christmas Triumvirate, Housing Works hosts Jingle Bell ROCK! at its West Village thrift shop. This event is less offensive than most in that a) proceeds go to a good cause and b) there's free beer. Oh, Santa — you shouldn't have. [Upcoming]

• Christmas isn't so much secularized as creepified at "A John Waters Christmas," an extravangaza hosted by the director himself. The Trachtenberg Family Slideshow Players and Kimya Dawson join the oddities tonight at Bowery Ballroom. [WUNY]
• The good folks at Air Guitar USA, which apparently exists, bring you a competition tonight at M1-5 at Tribeca. Unfortunately, it's not a national qualifier, but New York's own Air Guitar Champion, Bj rn T roque, will be among the judges. Extra points for headbanging and pained facial expressions. [Upcoming]
• In response to the whole strike thing, a number of bars around the city are extending happy hours. If you have to walk, walk drunk. [flavorpill]

• The Art of Chess, currently at the Luhring Augustine Gallery, features work by a number of artists inspired by the accoutrements of the game. Next in the series is Monopoly, giant silver top hat and all. [flavorpill]
• The (International) Noise Conspiracy hits Bowery Ballroom tonight, and we imagine they'll have a theory or two about the strike, besides the usual drums and paranoia. Circa Survive and Nightmare of You open. [Upcoming]
• Gay and still need a Christmas present for your parents? Try "Coming Out: The Lighter and More Amusing Side of Coming Out Of the Closet" for a cheap and delightful ways to give your family the truth this year. [MFC]