Blue States Lose
Happy Friday, folks, and so it's time for Blue States Lose, where we sort through the galleries of fucked-up hipsters at The Cobrasnake, Last Night's Party, Misshapes and Ambrel so you don't have to. Then Joey Arak bring you our 10 favorites each Friday. After the jump, enjoy the disaffected magic.
We're operating at half-stength this week, with both Misshapes and Ambrel going without a fresh update as of our writing these words. No worries, though. It's that time of year and we've got a holiday-themed Last Night's Party Blog Moment of the Week to give you as a present. Here we go, from this post right here:
New people love cocaine. New people love new drugs. New people love meeting other people who are as decadent as they are. But at the same time, guess what? They are lost souls at Christmas time. What do they want? They want their mommies and daddies.
Our thoughts exactly. He's a wizard, that ... Merlin. We're not sure if we'll be seeing new photos posted next week, because all the photogs may go on vacation or something, so just in case there's no Blue States Lose to round out 2005, here's our parting words: we'll see you around.
10) Last Night's Party. The Donnas photo #7198: Shit. Now we'll never know what dicks are for.
9) Last Night's Party. Sex (Incomplete) photo #8009: OK, let's get this bullshit over with: All we want for Christmas is for this dude to die. Even though he's "dead" already and even though we're technically celebrating his "birthday," we really really really really really really really just wish he was actually dead. Our New Year's resolution is for the Hellmouth to open up and swallow this thing. Will Mel Gibson please make this happen?
8) The Cobrasnake. Whatever Wednesday photo #P1011987: Wes Anderson and Noah Baumbach just wrotes 75 screenplays — each — about this picture.
7) Last Night's Party. The Donnas photo #7407: "This one's too easy, but, like, you've got a little something right there. No, no, right there. Over to the right a little. Oh, you missed it. Forget it, I'll just get it for you."
6) The Cobrasnake. 103.1 Pash Holiday photo #P1010420: This one's a fucking classic. It's like she's saying "Ya know, I'm really into this stereotypically-hipster beverage, but is there a more stereotypically-hipster way to consume it? This whole swallowing thing is just so, like, obvious."
5) The Cobrasnake. Whatever Wednesday photo #P1012031: You gotta give it up to The Cobrasnake every now and then. Here he went and did all the work for some lucky-fuck casting director. If this isn't the cast of an OCish primetime teen soap opera with slightly more hipster tendencies, we don't know what is. From L-R: the younger one who always gets put down by the others but he just wants to be part of the gang and he occasionally proves his worth by bailing someone out in a pinch; the slut who is a spoiled brat and spends all of daddy's money; the dangerous one with a mysterious past (living with foster parents/distant relatives. Did she kill her alcholic/abusive parents in self-defense? It's never made clear); the rugged anti-hero hearthrob; the bombshell who is always starting trouble and winding up in the middle of love triangles, which threaten all of the other friendships; the anti-hero's nice-guy best friend who provides much needed occasional comic relief; and, um, the one who — coughcough — "isn't like the others" and finds his dad's handgun in episode 8 and accidentally kills himself. If "Silverlake 90026" isn't on the Fox fall schedule in two seconds, we're assraping a Murdoch, we swear.
4) The Cobrasnake. 103.1 Pash Holiday photo #P1010688: If this were the Westminster Hipster Show, the only seperating these two from the Best in Show ribbons would be the judges making sure they have all their teeth and that their testicles have descended properly. Impeccable grooming!
3) Last Night's Party. The Donnas photo #7406: This is a weird one, because there's so many obvious observations and jokes you can make: the whole hyper-ironic/retarded '70s hipster look...the expressions on both their faces...the thing of questionable origin on the left. They're all out there calling to us, but for some reason we can't shake the feeling that the dude in the middle is someone's bizarre artistic rendering of what Stephen Hawking would look like if he hung out at Misshapes a whole bunch and could, you know, move and dress himself and shit. Is that funny? Not really. But at least we're being honest.
2) Last Night's Party. Sex (Incomplete) photo #8008: "Stare into my eyes and know my plague. My insides are black like the baseless pit of void that is our worthless existence. Humans are filth and life is shit. We wallow in it until the "day" (I do not adhere to your guidelines of "time") until our organs give up on us out of pity. If we had any sense in us we would crawl back into our mothers' wombs when she tried to expel us through her stinking semen pit and strangle ourselves with the cord that bound us together. But seriously, too much blush?"
1) The Cobrasnake. Holiday Cha Cha photo #P1011829: This is like Elf if Elf had been done as a more realistic story. Scorned by his wealthy father, who still supports him financially through a trust fund, Buddy the Elf moves downtown, where he quickly falls in with the wrong crowd. He discovers stylized dance-punk. He goes out every night until 4 a.m. He learns what Motherfucker is. He meets Steve Aoki. He DJs, occasionally. Most importantly, he picks up a nasty heroin habit. He gets sent off to the North Pole for a month to clean up his act, but once he returns he's back to his old tricks. It isn't long before he's ODing in a dealer's apartment on E. Houston St. and getting his face plastered on all the tabloid covers under some sort of screaming "Innocence Lost" headline. The Village Voice's Tricia Romano eulogizes him in a blistering column criticizing the shallowness of the scene. The coroner's report is released. His tragic, final words: What's...your...favorite...color?