• Shaquille O'Neal has filed for divorce from his wife Shaunie, accusing her of being "secretive about her assets. [TMZ]
  

The first reviews have begun to trickle in for The Invasion, a Warner Bros. production plagued by paparazzi-captured car crashes and a German auteur, discharged by the studio after his esoteric vision failed to deliver the kinds of zombie car chases that put asses into summer movie theater seats. With an early Tomatometer Score of 15%, the ominous buzz hanging over the late-August dumping ground release appears to have been justified. The Invasion may have reportedly brought in the Wachowski siblings at the 11th hour to hit all the required projectile-vomiting notes, but, ironically, for a movie about a dehumanizing alien virus, the consensus seems to be that that it woefully lacks a heart. Here's sample of what the critics are saying:

· Sharon Stone (who swept the Razzies!) brought the dominatrix-auctioneer routine she perfected in Berlin to Elton John's annual AIDS fundraiser, where "unsteady on her feet and slurring her words, [she] rambled, 'I've been sitting at my table with P. Diddy and Jon Bon Jovi, and I'm a little messed up.'" She did manage to coerce $4.2 million out of attendees, for auction items like a $65,000 soccer lesson from Dave Beckham, and $125,000 to have James Blunt promise he wouldn't perform all evening. [AP]
· Vanity Fair's Little Gold Men blog has updates and photos from the VF party, where they note a preponderance of "impossibly glowy women" and an extremely not-glowy Nikki Sixx. [VanityFair.com]
· Anderson Cooper and Daniel Craig shared a corner banquette at the VF party swapping secret agent tips, while party host Elton John planted a deep, passionate kiss on American Idol judge Simon Cowell, who couldn't help but gush all evening that "the little girl I once accused of being utterly forgettable and dressed like an overstuffed burrito had finally arrived!" [Towleroad]
· Enjoy TMZ's nausea- and seizure-inducing handheld camera footage of celebrities entering the Soho House after party, including "bushy-browed Martin Scorcese [sic] and a boob-a-licious Courtney Love." [TMZ]

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in. It's Oscars weekend—come on, there might be a semi-conscious star under your bed right now! Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about the time you saw Bai Ling stumbling out of a swagwhore house looking like she just OD'd on freebies.

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often! Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about the time you witnessed Ryan O'Neal's last carefree moments at Mastro's before...the incident.

• Previously: The 'Invasion' Accident: What Just About Everyone Involved Didn't Want You To See [Defamer]

Paparazzi were staking out the downtown set of The Invasion at the precise moment a car chase shot went awry, sending the entire rig careening into a lamppost. Corroborating initial reports, several stunt-zombies are clearly visible in the video hanging from the windshield at the moment of impact, though they appear to have sustained no serious injuries as they climb off the wreck, presumably to get their Undead Local 181 union heads on the phone. Nicole Kidman emerged and was quickly whisked away for a precautionary trip to the hospital; while a team of doctors determined that there was nothing physically wrong with her, it was only after she passed a battery of psychological tests measuring her emotional response to photos of a variety of lamposts she might later encounter during shooting that she was discharged.

An accident on the downtown set of The Invasion, an updated, big-screen treatment of Invasion of the Body Snatchers, may have reaped untold whiplash damage on Hollywood's Highest Paid Actress™ Nicole Kidman. From AccessHollywood.com:

The Hollywood Reporter has released its annual list of Hollywood's highest-earning actresses, many of whom have never once allowed themselves to be photographed without panties exiting a Mercedes SLR on their way into Hyde—an admirable stance that can only have contributed to their enigmatic allure and hefty asking prices. The top 10 as listed by a press release are:

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, which we try to post several times per week—so be sure to send them in as often as possible. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let the everyone know about the time you spotted Dustin "Dirty Sanchez" Diamond putting Prius-riding pussies to shame by lugging his bicycle onto the LA Metro.

In the shocking! exclusive! footage scheduled for broadcast tonight on Extra, Nicole Kidman, insensitively venturing out in public (to a showing of The Prestige at the ArcLight on Sunday) while her new husband battles his boozy demons in rehab, compounds the sin by pantomiming a long chug from an imaginary bottle, giggling loudly, then remarking, "Hey, at least I didn't marry a gay cowboy like that skinny bitch Zellweger."

• Nicole Kidman gets back at rehabbing husband with hot simulated sex. [Page Six]
  

Browsing the latest Worth 1000 Photoshop contest that challenges participants to take the fanciful leap of imagination required to render some of the world's biggest female stars as anorexics (whoever submitted the Nicole Kidman entry really should have been disqualified for lazily adding barely a brushstroke), we were struck by how much the Jessica Alba-with-a-meth-habit "after" submission was evocative of contemporary Teri Hatcher portraiture. It should be a comfort to Alba knowing that long after she has tumbled off the "must" lists and descended into a decade-and-a-half-long tailspin at the crusty bottom of a glass pipe, our love of a good comeback will always ensure that Hollywood's door will forever remain, for lack of a better turn of phrase, cracked open.

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers. Send yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about the time you became spontaneously aroused at the sight of Hilary Swank in head-to-toe Lycra.

Nicole Kidman to joins the cast of The Golden Compass, the first installment of the His Dark Materials trilogy, as the "villainous and glamorous Mrs. Coulter." There is no mention of Mel Gibson's recent anti-Semitic remarks in this totally unrelated story. [Variety]
Bryan Singer signs a seven-figure TV deal with ABC to develop three scripts, one of which is guaranteed to go to pilot. Again, there is no Mel Gibson angle to this story that we can discern. [THR]
Paramount Pictures buys the comedy pitch The Donor from Jon Stewart's Busboy Productions as a starring vehicle for the Daily Show's Rob Corddry. The logline is being kept top secret, but go ahead and assume it has something to do with a guy who embarks on a hilarious quest to sells his internal organs on the black market. [Variety]
Jessica Biel joins Adam Sandler and Kevin James in their "two straight schlubs get gay married for health benefits" comedy I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. If you guessed she'll be playing the hot chick who eventually falls for Adam Sandler, consider an exciting career as a casting agent. [THR]

Just a few hours after the last showtune rendition had been expertly high-kicked by Hugh Jackman and the wedding reception cleanup crew had begun packing her father back into his shipping container, radiant bride Nicole Kidman and her new husband Keith Urban boarded a jet headed towards the most remote, private location they could think of for their honeymoon—a resort in sunny, tropical Tahiti. The very same resort, as a matter of fact, where telephoto-lens-seeking-missile Eva Longoria happened to be checking in with boyfriend Tony Parker:

• There's been an arrest in the case of Brangelina's stolen baby shower photos; still no clue who unleashed those horrid Britney pics, though. [R&M]
• In other Brangelina legal news: a Jordanian man tries to embezzle $23,000 with a fake ID bearing Brad Pitt's picture. [Reuters]
• Josh Duhamel pounds on a bathroom door at Vegas nightclub Bella, the occupant of which was taking too long. The door opens, out comes Tommy Lee, and suddenly Duhamel is on the floor. Never mess with a man's toot time. [Page Six]
• Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban's Tahitian honeymoon is crashed by Eva Longoria and Tony Parker, who are staying at the same resort, brining with them plenty of paparazzi. [IMDb]
• The ladies of The View are just a bunch of harpies. [NYDN]
• The Polish-American Congress brands Garry Trudeau a bigot because of a character named Kaminski in his Doonesbury cartoons. It would figure that a bunch of stupid polocks wouldn't get the joke. [Lowdown]
• The Glasgow Hilton refuses to give Paris Hilton a corporate discount. The Scotland tourism board couldn't have bought better publicity. [Page Six]
• A naked Pam Anderson just ain't what it used to be. [TMZ]

• Axl Rose has been released from a Stockholm jail, where he was held after biting a security guard on the leg. Tommy Hilfiger got off easy, it would seem. NB to the unlucky victim: you might want to make sure your rabies vaccinations are up to date. [Page Six]
• Now that her stroll towards unemployment has become a quickly finished race, Star Jones is taping House Hunters NYC. It's a long fall down, isn't it? [Lowdown (bottom)]
• Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake are still together, having just gotten past a "rough patch." Now they're back to bonding in matching sweats, a surefire way to keep any relationship exciting. [Us Weekly]
• Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban honeymoon in Bora Bora, enjoying a $15K/night bungalow over the water. Sonja the security guard is also enjoying the vacation, protecting the couple from any of the island's over-aggressive flora and fauna. [IMDb]
• Tori Spelling takes her good, sweet time getting to her father's deathbed. [Page Six]
• Tired of Bahrain, Michael Jackson continues taking his traveling freakshow to France. [R&M]

Whether merely by coincidence or some heavenly congruence orchestrated by the Celebrity Love Gods, the nuptials of movie star Nicole Kidman and TV star Marcia Cross gave the past few days the unofficial title of "Icy Redhead Dogged By Lesbian Rumors Marriage Weekend." By all media accounts, both events were well-attended, hugely joyous occasions: The Kidman-Urban reception featured guests Hugh Jackman, Fox potentate Rupert Murdoch, and Nicole's memorable arrival in a Rolls Royce with her proud father, who had been specially taxidermied for the occasion (see photo). Cross's wedding, meanwhile, was in San Gabriel, and was attended by her Desperate Housewives co-star Eva Longoria, who had a delightful evening of celebrating/screaming at caiter waiters to "clear faster." For easy reference, we refer you to USA Today's stat sheets on both affairs, which also act as a telling metric of fame: Kidman's report coming in at 437 words to Cross's 202.

• Stolen photos from Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's baby shower have made their way to the web, prompting lawyers to do their threatening, lawyerly thing. The images may be illegal, but is it so wrong that the people want to see Brangelina wearing the Laurel Touby fertility costume? Marvel at the image here. [TMZ]
• Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban tie the knot; Kidman wears 80's throwback gown by Balenciaga. [Us Weekly]
• After learning that her interview with Matt Lauer didn't do much to help her image, Britney Spears hires someone to take classy pictures. Alas, the pics and an interview were sold to OK! for a mere $5K — much less than Britney's $200K asking price. Only K-Fed fetches that kind of money nowadays. [Page Six]
• Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone bend to blackmail from the National Enquirer. [R&M]
• Steven Soderbergh's former agent, Pat Dollard, more or less calls George Clooney a pussy. [Page Six]