Listen: I tried to talk to you about this last week, and it just doesn't seem like I'm getting through, but I'm going to give it one more shot. That used condom—you know the one, tied to an F Train handrail, sagging under the weight of its own viscous insides—it's still fucking there.

It's fun to waste money, but literally burning it loses its thrill after a while. So, the New York Times is innovating: take second graders to one of the most expensive restaurants in Manhattan for a lavish, exorbitant meal they'll hate.

Hey, guys—quick thing I wanted to talk about: Let's say you had sex on the subway, or masturbated, heh, or maybe you did it at home, or on the platform, and then brought the condom onto the train, carefully holding it upright so that its gloopy innards didn't spill onto your hands, and tied it to a handrail.

An appeals court in New York state will begin addressing the question that has been on the forefront of everyone's minds for years: Are chimps actually people?

Titan, a company that controls the ad space on 5,000 phone booths around New York City, quietly installed bluetooth beacons capable of automatically tracking and serving ads to nearby smartphones on hundreds of its Manhattan booths, BuzzFeed reported early this morning. Now, in the wake of BuzzFeed's report, City Hall has asked that the devices be removed.

Where do you have to be born to say that you're from a given city and not be lying? Back in August, prompted by a New Republic article called "Don't Say You're From the City If You're Really From the 'Burbs," we asked you—Gawker readers—to tell us the real borders of some of America's largest cities. Here are your answers.

The Fung Wah bus, a rolling sardine can that once carried passengers from Boston's South Station to the foot of the Manhattan Bridge and back for a mere $15 each way, failed its latest attempt to get back on the road. Depending on your outlook, this is either very good or very bad news.

One NYPD officer died early Sunday morning in the Bronx after a van carrying several officers crashed into a median on the Bruckner Expressway at around 5 a.m. Eight other officers were injured and taken to several local hospitals.

One nice thing about America is that even if you are poor, you cannot legally be railroaded for any old criminal accusation; you are guaranteed justice and fair representation. A new report details just how much of a farce that promise is.

According to new data released this week, New Yorkers are back to smoking in record numbers.

A report soon to be issued by the MTA warns of what any New Yorker who took the train to work yesterday already knows: on a sticky summer day, subway platforms get really fucking hot.

Jimmy McMillan, the prodigiously bearded spirit animal of New York City, is running for governor of New York again.

On Friday, a white lady named Clara Vondrich had her iPhone stolen out of her hand in Williamsburg but was able to catch one of the thieves, a 13-year-old boy. This story made it into the New York Post, and in the process taught us all important lessons about what not to do when you're able to capture your own child mugger.

Police say four people are injured after an early morning shooting today in Queens.

The first time I saw two laxers on the 2 train, I sneakily snapped a photo, giddy with delight that there may be somewhere I could play lacrosse in New York City.

"You can't get away from yourself by moving from one place to another." —Jake Barnes, in Ernest Hemingway's The Sun Also Rises, 1926

It would be difficult to come with a more on-the-nose metaphor for New York City's income inequality problem than the new high-rise apartment building coming to 40 Riverside Boulevard, which will feature separate doors for regular, wealthy humans and whatever you call the scum that rents affordable housing.

A patron of a New York City Chop't restaurant—a "Creative Salad Company"—happened upon a disgusting dead rodent when chomping into his wrap on Tuesday. The wrap had been made by the Chop't location in the Financial District of Manhattan.

After the annual Summer Fancy Food Show closed Tuesday at New York's Jacob Javits Convention Center, the leftovers were not to go to waste. Instead, the thousands of pounds of gourmet food were redistributed to food pantries in New York to be given to New York's nearly 60,000 homeless people.

A two-year-old who had gone missing Saturday afternoon in Brooklyn's Prospect Park was found dead yesterday evening after having drowned in Prospect Park lake. Ruhshona Kurbonova, 2, had gone missing with her 3-year-old cousin mid-afternoon during a family barbecue.