On Tuesday, the New York State Republican Party published the above Fifty Shades of Grey parody on their website, ostensibly to say something about how Bill de Blasio is a lady that Al Sharpton ties up and fucks.

Republican senator Thomas Croci of the New York state senate introduced a bill this week to establish a "New York State Terrorist Registry," the New York Daily News reports. It would be modeled on the existing registry used to track sex offenders.

Fancy food: it is a funny thing. One person might not understand why another might enjoy eating tortured goose liver or snails, and the other might say, "Mmm, I love these snails and tortured goose liver. More, please!" Aliona Russo, a non-fancy woman, recently sat down for dinner at Manhattan's fancy Villagio on the Park restaurant and was traumatized to find a perfectly fresh fish sitting on her plate. So fresh, in fact, that the hook was still sitting in the little fishy's mouth.

When Karen Shearon learned her 15-year-old daughter failed a state exam on Tuesday, the Staten Island woman reportedly did what any other responsible parent would do, threatening to bomb the institution that flunked her.

Jay Maisel is suddenly a very rich man. In what the New York Daily News is calling "one of the greatest returns on investment in the history of New York City real estate," the photographer who owns and inhabits the hulking 72-room building offloaded his home to developer Aby Rosen last year. Now, the selling-price is public: $55 million—539 times more than what Maisel paid when he bought it for $102,000 in 1966. Shed a tear for old New York and read more about the graffiti-covered landmark below.

Sure, by now you've seen The Wall Street Journal's interactive map of germs on the New York subway, but what does the study it was based on mean for regular perverts like you and me? According to one researcher, it means you're probably cool to keep licking subway poles.

There are two ways you can take this interactive map put together by the Wall Street Journal that lists the bacteria found in each of New York City's gleaming 466 subway stations. One reaction is, "Holy shit, New York City is incredibly disgusting and basically nobody should live there." The other, if you live here, is, "Hey, well at least my station doesn't have traces of diarrhea."

Last Monday, on the night of the blizzard that talked a big talk but then never came, I was batting around an idea, one of many that had to do with the dating app Tinder, with my colleague Sam.

Arlene's Grocery is a longstanding Manhattan music venue that hosts a variety of rock and punk acts from around the country. It's also the employer of a "Hawaiian Asian monster," according to this tipster-supplied voicemail from an extremely shitfaced patron with a very important husband.

New York State Assembly Speaker Sheldon Silver surrendered to the FBI today for federal corruption charges stemming from unreported millions made over a decade from the Manhattan law firm Goldberg & Iryami, the New York Times reports.

A man in Brooklyn fell to his death Sunday afternoon after a walking over a faulty sidewalk cellar grate. "The thing just opened," a witness told the New York Daily News. "He was walking. He wasn't paying attention. The thing is loose. And he disappeared."

The NYPD's embarrassing protests at two recent police funerals were "unacceptable" to the vast majority of New Yorkers, according to a new Quinnipiac University poll. Nearly 70 percent of New Yorkers disapproved of cops turning their backs to Mayor de Blasio, and 77 percent said police union leader Patrick Lynch's "blood on the hands" comments about de Blasio were "too extreme."

Uber, one of the only large tech companies that openly hates you, has made a name for itself not based on its convenience (which is ample) but its price gouging practices (which are gratuitous). Now, one sane New York Council member is introducing legislation to crack down on Uber's transit greed.

He just wanted some candy. According to the New York Post, that's what a drunk Brooklyn man told authorities after leading them on a thrilling five-minute, 35 mph street sweeper chase on Thursday.

Mario Cuomo, three-term governor of New York and near-presidential candidate, died Thursday at his home in Manhattan. He was 82.

Earlier this month, Staten Island District Attorney Daniel Donovan made headlines for failing to secure an indictment for Daniel Pantaleo, the Staten Island NYPD officer who killed Eric Garner. This week, Donovan is in the papers again, this time as the Republican Party's "clear front runner" for the congressional seat opened up by outgoing representative/convicted felon Michael Grimm.

Staten Island-based congressman Michael Grimm pled guilty to federal tax evasion today. He was indicted earlier this year on 20 counts, including on charges of fraud, federal tax evasion, and perjury.

The United States Census Bureau announced today that the State of New York, which had been the nation's third most populous state, has now slipped to fourth place, behind Florida. In the 12 months ending July 1, 2014, the Sunshine State gained 293,000 new inhabitants, while New York added a meager 51,000.

Just hours before 28-year-old Ismaaiyl Brinsley shot two cops "execution-style" in Brooklyn on Saturday, the killer announced his planned crime on social media, writing, "I'm Putting Wings on Pigs Today. They Take 1 of Ours...... Let's Take 2 of Theirs."

The Fung Wah Bus, which once shuttled human cargo from New York to Boston for $15 each way and managed somehow to be every bit as reliable as the Greyhound (that is to say: utterly unreliable), will return in early 2015 after more than a year off the road, its attorney told Reason this week.