When is the otherwise square New York Post pro-drug? When drugs are proven to enhance the conservative pro-God agenda. Thirty-six "hallucinogen-naive" adults were treated to a regimen of psilocybin pills, i.e. the psychoactive ingredient in certain mushrooms. The NYP capsules the study's results theologically, noting that despite potential side effects, shrooms "also can spark a religious experience that leaves users feeling kinder and happier"; regarding the 36 test subjects, "two-thirds judged it to be among their top-five experiences, equal to the birth of a first child." Of course, the NYP clipped the story from the Washington Post, whose hippie commies were even more excited, headlining their article, "Drug's Mystical Properties Confirmed." Magic is real, people!

Pounding out capsule summaries is a thankless business, and when it comes to the New York Post's "On the Newsstand," who knows if the column's crafted by one person, five people, or ten monkeys. As usual, it's impossible to track the prejudices of the hidden author(s)/monkey(s) in this week's incarnation. Observe certain questionable word usage. Is it sarcasm? Irony? Blithe semantic indifference? You be the judge. Summarizing Seventeen:

Law & Order: SVJew
Cops: Hymietown
The Thin Jew Line
NYPD 'brew
Turner & Jewch

Alleged serial plagiarist Ann Coulter, 45, went on the attack against The New York Post, after that paper became the latest outlet to note that Ann's deranged ravings might actually be the ravings of other deranged people. (Those charges have resulted in an investigation by Universal Press Syndicate, the organization that distributes her column, "Crazy Bitch Screaming.") Coulter, in a paragraph she may very well have written herself, says:

Because few things make us happier than idle bitchery, we of course enjoyed Keith Kelly's roundup in the Post today of all sorts of AMI staffers' anonymous snipes at their newly and richly re-contracted editorial director, perennial employee fave Bonnie Fuller. We remain, however, mystified by Keith's lede:

We're not going to get on our high horse to condemn plagiarism. (That'd be just so predictable.) But may we get on our high horse for a moment to condemn stupid plagiarism? The News gleefully notes today that the Post suspended reporter Andy Geller for a month "after the newspaper discovered he copied massive sections of an article." And where did he find the article from which he plagiarized? In the Times. On the same fucking day.

Steve Cuozzo ever-so slyly mentions in his column today that the building at 1211 Sixth Avenue, home to the Post's murky offices, is up on the block. German commercial property behemoth Jamestown bought the tower in 1999 for $600 million; Cuozzo claims the "buzz" (no doubt created on the cold blue screen of his computer) is that the building may fetch $1 billion more than that. Bids are due this week — any word on prospective buyers? You know Mort Zuckerman's balancing his checkbook right now, hoping he can finance his dream of rendering the competition homeless.

In media years, it's been nearly two decades since former Page Sixer Jared Paul Stern allegedly attempted to extort billionaire Ron Burkle. The snails at the FBI, however, haven't forgotten. Last month, the investigation was referred to Attorney General Alberto Gonzales for final review; it would seem that he's approved further work on the case, as New York mag reports that Page Six editor Richard Johnson has been "contacted for questioning by a group that includes prosecutors from the Southern District and federal agents."

• Anderson's Angelina interview is "a watershed moment in the history of CNN." Huh. And we thought it was just kind of boring. [LAT]
• Connie Chung has no regrets — well, at least too few to mention — about her "Thanks for the Memories" farewell. Probably because she's the only person who hasn't had to watch it repeatedly. [TV Guide]
• Dan Rather still eats lunch. [Media Mob/NYO]
• NYP business reporter Tim Arango wants to be on TV. Oh, honey, don't we all? [Jossip]

Brooke Parkhurst, the blogger behind Belle in the Big Apple, has been dutifully blogging, in serial form, about her experience interviewing for Page Six (much like the tumbleweed, she didn't go for the job). In her second entry, she tells of actually entering the Page Six playpen and, bless her brave little heart, sitting down with Page Six editor Richard Johnson and executive editor Steve Cuozzo. What we learn:

Like an arthritic Lazarus, Post gossip dowager Cindy Adams comes forth from the tomb this morning to alert New York that — and you might want to sit down, this is a hell of a scoop — there may be a spot of bid-rigging in the construction industry. Cindy, who recently blew the lid off that whole "special treatment for politicians" scandal, is too coy to reveal specific details, but she can go far enough out on a limb to reveal that the nefarious shenanigans are taking place "in Long Island," and they're being looked at "by the Feds."

There's the occasional moment when, standing on a customer service line to redress a minor inconvenience that can be easily fixed in a matter of minutes, you scan the faces of the folks in front of you and confront a countenance that fills you with fear. You know the type: The sour expression, the aura of self-righteousness, the sheer unshakeable certainty that she's correct and the rest of the world is wrong - not just wrong, but so wrong that they need her immediate tutelage in rightness, and it doesn't matter how long it'll take, because, let's face it, she's got all day. And that's when you realize that you're going to be stuck listening to this woman, with her annoying outer-borough accent and her stolid immovability, for at least an hour, probably more, depending on what point the manager gets called in. It's at this point that you decide that the expired jar of pickles in your basket can't be any more unpleasant than spending a second more in the presence of this hatchet-faced hellion, and, sighing with defeat, trudge out of the store.

Eat the Press, HuffPo's media "news, commentary, and chatter" wing, comes up big with the scoop that we've all been waiting for: Bill Hoffman will be Page Six's new staffer. Hoffman's a city desk veteran who recently angered the hip hop community with his shaky grasp of geography. Notes of congratulations and requests for Level Two Protection can be sent to bill.hoffman@nypost.com, but we're pretty sure the feds are monitoring that address, so be subtle.

The Post reports on a horrific attack against a young woman in Long Island:

A breaking story from The Post's national news desk: Peter Parker is Spider-Man. Yes, that's right, Dareh Gregorian apparently attended the "Times Square press conference" where the web-slinger appeared "to support the Super-Hero Registration Act. The law, enacted after hundreds were killed in a superhero-supervillain fight, requires all superheroes to reveal their identities and register as 'living weapons of mass destruction.'" Lest some of you hard-core reality addicts out there object to straight reporting about a work of fiction, remember: It's The Post. Also, you must have missed last week's exclusive interview with Iron Man, where he admitted that he'd been sodomized by members of the Duke lacrosse team.

From the Daily News:

• Brangelina, Shiloh, and "those other kids" plan on returning to Malibu this weekend. When their plane touches American soil, our country will celebrate the reclaiming of our national treasures. [TMZ]
• After his jokes about Brokeback Mountain, Howard Stern gets snubbed by Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams. At Nobu, no less, for bonus shaming points. [Page Six]
• For every tabloid tell-all book, there's a spurned ex-boyfriend getting a gun permit. In Bridget Harrison's Tabloid Love, it's the Post's Jesse Angelo; for Deborah Schoeneman's 4% Famous, it's Rocco DiSpirito. [R&M (2nd item)]
• 59-year-old actor James Woods is now dating his daughter, 20-year-old Ashley Madison. [Lowdown]
• Barbra Streisand tours again! Cue fainting Gays! [IMDb]
• Fake David Cross is to the East Village and Lower East Side as Fake Jimmy Buffet is to the Hamptons. [Page Six]

Rejected possibilities for the Post's brilliant use of the front-page speech bubble:

In the latest installment of how to bite the hand that once fed you, former Page Sixer Ian Spiegelman had a 15-minute phoner on Howard Stern yesterday morning; aside from the usual vitriol and stereotype-enforcing tough talk, Spiegelman had something to say about his old employers:

There's interesting ad in this week's Advertising Age. (Click on it to enlarge.) It might even be unprecedented, as some have suggested to us. It's from the Daily News, and it touts the tab's dominance over the Post. More New Yorkers read the Daily News, the ad brags. More buy it. It has more ads. Its online audience is growing. A cynic might point out that the accompanying charts aren't nearly to scale, but, even so — and nothwithstanding the atrocious grammar in Point 3 — the claims seem to be entirely true. Which would make, at first glance, this ad seem like endorsement of the News's great success over its rival.