When does America care about a Jersey City Councilman? When a Jersey City Councilman urinates on people in Washington, DC. Steven Lipski was arrested in our nation's capital this weekend, because he went to the 9:30 Club to see a Grateful Dead tribute band, got wasted, and peed off the balcony. Idiot drunk middle-aged politicians are DC's cross to bear, of course, and Lipski has given the 9:30 Club staff trouble before:
A horrifying true crime tale is unfolding today in our neighboring state. In South Brunswick the bodies of couple Michael and Kathleen Maltese were found in a park, and suspicion quickly pointed to their son, Michael A. Maltese, and his girlfriend Nicole Taylor. In a twist reminiscent of the current direction of Showtime series Dexter, the two decided to subsequently get engaged. It might not be Truman Capote macabre, but the full story will disturb you.The elder Maltese and his wife Kathleen were reported missing on October 17th, and they were found today in a park two miles from the mobile home where they lived. The two killers had been living on an inflatable mattress on floor of the victims' trailer home. The bodies were dumped into the shallow grave. The Star Ledger characterized the alleged mastermind:
The League of American Patriots, a New Jersey-based white supremacist organization, is apparently distributing these leaflets in Roxbury, New Jersey. "Do you want a black president," the paper asks, noting that Haiti is very dangerous. Sigh. The Smoking Gun has the full-sized copy of the flyer in case you want to get pissed off at some barely relevant neo-Nazis. THEY JUST WANT ATTENTION, GUYS. You know, like the attention we're giving them right now! This will probably help Obama, because it's basically the literal version of the subtext of a million "legitimate" conservative anti-Obama lines (lol inexperienced). Ha ha MEANWHILE the United Auto Workers is maybe (maybe!) sending out literature to Michigan union members announcing that Obama "was raised by all white people." Which, uh, at least the union is... factually more accurate than the internet rumors, right? National conversation on race time! Those always go well!
Despite crafting an elaborate plan involving a system of rope lines, helicopters and intensive flash photography, Suri Cruise was unable to make a clean getaway from parent Katie Holmes in New York on Tuesday night. Suri admitted that she failed to account for one thing: her mother's sunglasses. Cruise said, "I always forget about her sunglasses. I thought maybe for once she would be a normal person and not wear them since you know, it's night. Nope, mommy wanted to pretend she was a rock star yet again." Cruise place a share of the blame on the actors she hired for the failed attempt on Tuesday night. Cruise added, "You get what you pay for when you use Craigslist. I was paying in pizza rolls and I got a bunch of dudes from New Jersey." Cruise still remains optimistic and plans on making another getaway in the near future, perhaps during a snowstorm.
Good morning, mysterious "weekend" readers! Where are you rising and shining from today? New York City? Kansas City? A garbage-strewn gutter somewhere in Mexico City, wondering what happened to your wallet and your dignity? Hey, at least you're not waking up in New Jersey, amirite? Zing. Apologies to those of you who are waking up in New Jersey. But not to fear: the reputation of postindustrial wastelands like Newark and Trenton is being revived. Not by reality itself, but by luxury real estate developers. Open your wallets! The Times examines how developers of luxury apartment buildings in Newark and Trenton are pushing their inventory. Answer: lots of lipstick for the pigs.
Not sure what you're doing this weekend? Why not venture on down to Guido Beach, the Jersey Shore vacationland where the girls are orange and the boys are oranger. Down there you'll find a huuuuge bouncer guy who wears a teeny tiny little leather vest. Maybe it's a souvenir from the swinging gay hotspot Studio 54, where his father used to bounce. Then there is the crazy girl who drinks and grind dances in front of her mother and then punches some other girl in the face. It's terrific! Just like St. Tropez except with more Guidos, pink plastic drinking vessels, fist pumping, house techno, teeny tiny leathuh vests, and people from New Jersey. Watch a heinous video of the relaxing paradise after the jump.
The Newark Star-Ledger, the biggest daily newspaper in all of New Jersey, is NEAR DEATH. If 225 workers don't accept buyouts like now, the Newhouses (specifically Si's brother Donald) will sell the paper along with the Trenton Times. The Star-Ledger will lose $30 million to $40 million this year, so it's a great buy! Soon Jersey residents will have to go back to getting all their news from Springsteen lyrics and Kevin Smith movies. This just in! They closed down the amusement park and also marijuana is quite popular. [NYP]
Recently, Steppin' Up editor Chaunce Hayden got himself banned from tipping Page Six because of an inaccurate item he sorta sent them about a sex tape involving the wife of radio morning show host Opie. Does that sentence confuse and upset you? It should, because there's no fucking reason you should've ever heard of Chaunce Hayden, Steppin' Out, or "Opie," as Chaunce Hayden more or less admits in a Radar profile today. The unread free New Jersey magazine is actually just a vehicle for Mr. Hayden to meet famous (or "famous") women and land his name in the columns.
Attention, natives of Puebla residing illegally in Bergen County: Lou Dobbs may be running for Governor of New Jersey! CNN's most unrepentent xenophobe is mulling a gubernatorial bid, the Newark Star-Ledger reports today. Dobbs, whom a few like-minded immigrant-haters unsucessfully tried to persuade to run for president this year, is said to be considering a run against Democratic incumbent Jon Corzine, who is now saddled with a 52% disapproval rating. The normally voluble commentator isn't commenting on the rumors, but many state Republicans want nothing to do with the idea. One local GOP operative, David Norcross, calls the prospect of Dobbs in the Governor's Mansion "dreadful." In the unlikely scenario Lou does run and win, Gov. Dobbs may not go so far as to personally escort New Jersey's illegals out of the state, but you can rest assured he won't be offering them driver's licenses anytime soon.
CNN shouter Lou Dobbs is apparently "mulling a run for New Jersey governor." Oh, please let that be true! Current governor Jon Corzine is quite unpopular and "Republican officials" claim the oddly orange-hued pseudo-populist pundit is "taking steps toward running" for that prestigious office himself. We cannot think of a better idea! For so many reasons!
Do you remember Corey Johnson? He was the kid who was the co-captain of his high school football team, and maybe "the first high school athlete in the nation to declare his homosexuality so publicly while still enjoying the support of his teammates, parents and coaches," back in 2000. It's his birthday! He invited all his Facebook friends! One person, though, can't make it. Former New Jersey Governor and Gay American Jim McGreevey. He has a totally valid excuse!
Yesterday's Dear Abby column featured the sad tale of a 38-year-old woman, five months pregnant, who is concerned that when she goes clubbing with her fiance (of five years) "Troy," he sticks her with his "best friend" and disappears for hours. When she finds him, he is "sweaty and has a weird look on his face." He insists there's nothing up. Signed, "Suspicious in New Jersey." That is the most stereotypically Jersey advice column letter ever, right? Well, besides the one immediately following it:
Recently Nick D'Urso, manager of New Jersey's Satin Dolls gentleman's club, got a call from HBO asking him to hold off on his planned renovations. You see, Satin Dolls also doubles as the Bada Bing strip club from HBO's stunning, somber, and definitively over mob series The Sopranos. D'Urso swears that he heard legit info that a Sopranos movie could be in the works and HBO is making sure its top locations stay as much the same as possible. Soprano Sue, a crazed fan of the show who did some amateur location scouting for HBO, also says she heard about a movie from a crew member. And that pretty much sucks. If it does happen, it will completely negate the series finale's brilliantly confounding and expressive abrupt cut to black. Unless, you know, it's a prequel or something. Though that would probably involve unfortunate hairpieces and casting new kids and ick I think that would be much, much worse. HBO honors their omerta and says "No comment." Though they seem to like the show to movie idea. A lot. Give it a rest, everybody. [OhNoTheyDidn't] After the jump, that famous final scene.
If you feel like killing someone, make sure you do it in Jersey—starting today all you'll get for it is a roof over your head and three square meals a day for the rest of your life. (Also: the inability to walk more than 6 steps in one direction.) If we were us, which we may very well still be, and in a particularly vengeful state of mind, which we also may be, we'd want dibs on whoever miscalculates our ConEd bill every single fucking month. And maybe that little smart mouth from our fourth grade class who taunted kids by saying "I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you." Also totally worth it—people who don't seem to understand that sidewalks in New York City operate the same way as major highways. Dawdle in the passing lane on the left at your own peril, got it? But surely there are better candidates for a one-way ticket to the afterlife under our sister state's friendly new policy?
In solidarity with striking T.V. writers, huge 20-pound rats have been spotted in creeks and marshes in New Jersey. Sort of. They're actually nutria, not rats, but they're giant, furry rodents who are apparently very damaging to fragile natural ecosystems like those of the Garden State.
Mental Health America, an organization looking to get mentioned in brief wire reports reprinted across the nation, released a study claiming that New Jersey is the third least-depressed state in the union. We're supposed to be shocked that some stereotype about Jersey isn't true but honestly, the sheer number of zillionaires inexplicably residing there guarantees a good placement. Jersey is depressing to the rest of the nation, who ever said they were self-aware about it? (New York ranked 19th because of its proximity to New Jersey.) [NYP]
Today Channel 7 interrupted "The View" with promises of an awesome plane crash televised live but all we got were a couple sparks followed by the Cremaster-inspired covering of the plane in a thick layer of suggestive foam. Then they back to the tail end of a Steve Martin anecdote and a commercial. If you're gonna interrupt the ladies of "The View," we demand explosions!
Plane makes successful 'belly landing' in New Jersey [ABC7]
Television station WWOR (My9, currently playing: Divorce Court), owned by NewsCorp, just may become the first television station in years to have its broadcast license rejected (but probably not). And not because of that quaint law barring newspaper owners from owning T.V. stations in the same market—NewsCorp is one of 11 companies that both control all the media and hold "temporary" waivers of that particular law. Instead their renewal is being challenged by community groups because My9 is a New Jersey station that doesn't actually cover New Jersey.
Apparently Yahweh has forgiven Charles Kushner—real estate magnate, recently released felon, and Observer publisher Jared's father—for the whole "getting his brother-in-law a prostitute, filming their encounter, and sending the tape to his sister" blackmail thing. But, according to Charles, He has not forgiven his sister for ratting on Charles to the Feds. Or, in Charles' words: "For instigating a criminal investigation and being cheerleaders for the government and putting their brother in jail because of jealousy, hatred and spite." God did not return multiple phone calls and an email before press time.
