· With an eye towards cleaning up at next year's holiday box office, Fox signs Ben Stiller for A Night at the Museum, in which Stiller will star as a security guard who "unwittingly unleashes a curse that brings to life the bugs and animals on display." Excuse us. Stiller will star as a twitchy, neurotic, and impotent-rage-prone security guard who "unwittingly unleashes a curse that brings to life the bugs and animals on display." [Variety]
· Despite CBS's killer hurricane and NBC's live debate on The West Wing/two-hour L&O:SVU counterprogramming Hail Marys, America still preferred to watch the creepy, gay-seeming pharmacist contemplate date-raping Marcia Cross on Desperate Housewives. [THR]
· Michael Douglas mercifully chooses a role which will probably not require any further restorative plastic surgery, signing up to play "an eccentric and manic-depressive father who becomes obsessed with his belief that there's buried treasure in the San Fernando Valley" in the Alexander Payne-produced King of California. [Variety]
· Now that an Everybody Loves Raymond spinoff looks like a longshot, Brad Garrett realizes that he might need someone to find him a job, hires William Morris to hunt down the appropriate sitcom second-banana roles and CBS MOWs. [THR]
· It's William Morris Signing Day! Catherine Zeta-Jones returns to the welcoming arms of longtime WMA agent George Freeman, whom she jilted for CAA two years ago. [Variety]

· Warning: Following this link to an animated image of Paris Hilton's mastery of one "look" may result in the involuntary loosening of your bowels and/or seizures. Click at your own risk.
· Photographs of Tara Reid looking inebriated are the planet's only true inexhaustible resource.
· Who will win the live West Wing debate? Our guess: Whatever's on CBS at the time.
· Jack White makes selling out seem so cool and authentic.
· Hey, dueling Popes!
· This story about the all-girl band that Bono pulled on stage to play an impromptu song would be awesome and heartwarming if a) we had a sense of awe or a heart, b) it didn't absolutely reek of pre-planned publicity stunt, c) all the world's impromptu-pulling-of-girls-onto-stages magic hadn't been consumed by the Dancing in the Dark video in 1983.

• CNN's changes had nothing to do with getting rid of Brown; that was just a coincidence. "He's really a doll to work with," says CNN chief. [NYT]
• Of course, ol' Aaron had been a "drag" on CNN's ratings. [NYP]
• Knight Ridder sale could spark industry consolidation. You know, because there are too many independently owned papers left these days. [WSJ]
• S&S EIC Micahel Korda to step down, after 938 years in job. [WP]
• Comedy Central ups Colbert Report order to a full year, ensure 11 more months of a show we sort of feel like we should be watching but also don't enjoy as we'd hoped to when we do. [E! Online]
• Jack McCoy's flannel suits too boring for your TV-crimefighting tastes? Rejoice, then, in Sleuth, NBC Universal's new cable net featuring old crime shows from The A-Team to Miami Vice. [B&C]
• Russ Smith doesn't like Arthur Sulzberger. We're shocked. [NY Press]

· The New Paramount™ president Gail Berman loves to laugh, telling Var, "Comedy, comedy, comedy. I love comedies," Who knew? She's greenlit a Jackass: The Movie sequel, demonstrating her ardor for chuckling at guys who staple their scrotums to various objects. [Variety]
· Reese Witherspoon is developing the dramatic thriller The Reckoning as a starring vehicle through her Type A Films shingle at Paramount. Clearly, Gail Berman's seen Just Like Heaven and realizes that comedy, comedy, comedy might not be the way to go with Reese right now. [THR]
· More on the Warner Bros. layoffs: Warner Independent production head Michael Andreen is also felled in the bloodbath. [Variety]
· CBS wins a sixth straight week in the Nielsen wars, mass suicides in NBC's utterly demoralized programming ranks to follow. [THR]
· ICM suddenly finds itself with $100 million in new investment capital, but what to do with all this cash? Buy an agency? Encourage senior members to retire with fat pockets? Hire a small army of gold-plated hookers to service the entire staff? Yeah, they'll probably go with that last one. [Variety]

The British seem to have developed a mysterious tolerance to Hollywood's box office crap, as the nation's moviegoers have fled the theaters in smaller numbers than those in other foreign markets. [Variety]
· The Weinstein Co. announces a multiyear marketing deal with L'Oreal Paris, pacting to co-host various events and provide mutual promotional support. Most crucially, only L'Oreal cosmetics will be used to cover up all Harvey Weinstein-inflicted bruises, an estimated two million dollar a year value. [THR]
· ICM gets a $75 million investment from equity fund operator Suhail Rizvi, which CEO Jeff Berg plans to lend to Paradigm so that the rival can finally purchase his agency and finally put an end to months of nasty acquisition rumors. [Variety]
· NBC gives a pilot order to the suspense drama Kidnapped, which will track a family's search for their abducted son, at least until the show itself mysteriously disappears during sweeps. [THR]
· The WGA East and West finally settle their differences with a minimum of bloodshed, but a maximum of incredibly boring bullet points. [Variety]

· Owen "The Butterscotch Stallion" Wilson shakes his glorious mane and gallops proudly away from Paramount's The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, possibly due to the studio's inability to find a female co-star meeting the Stallion's exacting standards. In a tragic downgrade, Zach Braff is now considered the frontrunner to take Wilson's place. [THR]
· Fox orders a pilot of the Jerry "All Your TV Are Belong To Me" Bruckheimer celebrity-lawyer procedural American Crime. Bored of merely recycling concepts, Bruckheimer mixes things up by reusing titles, as American Crime was the original name of CBS's Close to Home. [Variety]
· Jennifer Garner's Vandalia Films sets up erotic thriller Sabbatical at Touchstone as a starring vehicle for the actress, who bravely refuses to believe that marrying Ben Affleck has effectively ended her career. [THR]
· Touchstone TV rewards Grey's Anatomy showrunner Jim Parriott for his breakout, post-Housewives timeslot hit with a three year overall deal. [Variety]
· NBC ponders moving My Name is Earl to highly competitive (and lucrative) Thursday night, but Fox might be mulling a shift of juggernaut American Idol to that night as well, likely resulting in untold Must See TV ratings carnage. [THR]

We sometimes wonder: what, exactly, does one have to say to no longer be welcome on our television sets? Especially before we've had our coffee?

· In a drastic corporate realignment, Warner Bros. becomes the first studio to combine home entertainment, Internet, wireless, games and other other digital operations into one group. What this means for you is precisely nothing. But for Java developers making downloadable Harry Potter Quidditch cell phone games, the world will never again be the same. [Variety]
· Paramount is in final negotiations with Layer Cake director Matthew Vaughn to direct and produce a screen version of Neil Gaiman s Stardust, about a young man who promises his beloved that he'll retrieve a fallen star by venturing into the magical realm, where he has to contend with witches, goblins, gnomes, talking animals and evil trees. One Ring nerds everywhere go on a cloak dry-cleaning frenzy. [Variety]
· A record 58 countries have submitted films to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences for Oscar consideration, including previously unrepresented Iraq, Costa Rica and Fiji. Sean Penn begins composing his annual sourpuss pronouncement early this year to make sure he gets the tricky Arabic verb tenses right. [THR]
· CBS wins the ratings week, with ABC a strong second. And King Midas, Crap Version NBC was down 11% vs. the same week a year ago, with its Thursday lineup off 27%. Have you guys ever thought about another line of work? I mean, seriously. I hear biotech is heating up! [Variety]
· Undeterred that E-Ring is doing less that spectacular Nielsen numbers, NBC makes a pilot-commitment to another Jerry Bruckheimer-produced series: the medical thriller Invisible, centering on a rogue researcher for the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention who's tracking a mysterious illness. Andy Dick is rumored favorite to play the virus. [Variety]

· Studios fear that SAG's intramural executive bloodbath might indicate that the guild might not bend over so readily in future negotiations, perhaps even getting so uppity as to follow through on a work stoppage. The studios, however, will happily detonate a nuclear device and wipe out all of Hollywood before sharing any more DVD revenues, no matter how many people SAG replaces. [Variety]
· Tired of pussy-footing around their world domination ambitions with such society-destabilizing programs as Who's Your Daddy?, Fox announces its plans to Destroy All Humans. Rupert Murdoch will not stop until every last one of us is a smoldering pile of ash. [THR]
· MGM board member Harry Sloan is named new chariman and CEO of the studio, plans to focus on producing more original content if he can figure out how to fill out corporate parent Sony's utterly confusing paperwork. [Variety]
· Desperate NBC is so grateful to My Name is Earl star Jason Lee for starring in a bright spot in the desolation of their primetime schedule that they've agreed to let him develop shows of his own. [THR]
·ABC picks up a script and five script outlines of the reality TV parody America's Next Muppet, in which viewers may actually get the chance to choose a new felt star. The newest Muppet will immediately be written into a six-show arc as Nicolette Sherdian's latest love interest on Desperate Housewives. [Variety]

Stop the presses and interrupt your regular programming: The Today show this morning had an exclusive, groundbreaking, you-wish-you'd-set-the-TiVo interview with none other than Katie Holmes. And, of course, it's the kind of hard-hitting reporting you expect from America's most-watched TV news division.

· After cutting its prices, Netflix is kicking Blockbuster's ass, and won't stop its assault against competitors until every last brick-and-mortar video rental outlet is burned to the ground. [Variety]
· Hollywood Out of Ideas, Gill-Man Edition: Universal will remake Creature from the Black Lagoon, with Breck "Sure, Dad, You Might've Gotten Me My Foot In The Door, But What Have You Done For Me Lately?" Eisner to direct. [THR]
· Tony Scott, figuring that a post-hurricane New Orleans couldn't possibly be as big a mess as Domino, will return to the Big Easy to shoot the Denzel Washington vehicle Deja Vu in February. [Variety]
· NBC is reportedly in talks with Jesse Ventura to star in a sitcom, indicating yet again that the network will give serious consideration to virtually any idea, no matter how pointless or absurd. If talks stall, expect the network to spit-ball a Spanish-language Will & Grace spinoff starring Sean Hayes, "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan, and a talking carrot. [THR]
· The Weinstein Co. hires either former Miramax exec Michael Cole or a samurai warrior (kind of hard to tell when you're just skimming) as their LA-based co-president of production. [Variety]

With CBS's Without a Trace finally prying apart ERs cold, dead grip on the 18-49 demo on Thursday nights, it seems that we can officially declare NBC's onetime "Must See TV" juggernaut dead. Joey, Will & Grace, and a flagging Apprentice are nobody's idea of a programming Murderer's Row (we picture something closer to a group of autistic five year-olds clutching inflatable bats), so fourth-place president Kevin Reilly is forced to consider drastic measures to reclaim his network's former Nielsen glory:

Yes, we know the ratings are bad, and, yes, we know Jeff Zucker's job is sort of on the line. But, still, this seems a bit much:

· Spike TV outbids USA, SciFi Channel, TBS, and TNT to get a six-year exclusive deal for all six Star Wars movies, paying a reported $65 to 70 million, a great opportunity for the network to show off how well the disappointment of the three latest films holds up on the small screen. [Variety]
· The Viacom split has been sped up, and will now be completed by year's end. There's nothing that soon-to-be CBS Corp CEO Les Moonves likes better than an accelerated divorce. [THR]
· NBC signs up Meet the Parents/Fockers writer Jim Herzfeld for a sitcom pilot based on his experiences working at an LA country club. "I tell the stories at cocktail parties, and people laugh," said Herzfeld, perhaps inadvertently revealing that NBC head Kevin Reilly made the deal while drunk and munching on crab cakes. [Variety]
· The WB "benches" Friday comedies Blue Collar TV and Living with Fran. It always makes us a little sad when the first time we hear of a show (who knew Fran Drescher was back?) is when reading a story about its impending cancellation. [THR]
· Disney and Jerry Bruckheimer Films pay $1.5 million for the rights to as-yet-unpublished Ahmet "No, Not Dweezil, The Other One" Zappa novel Monstrous Memoirs of a Mighty McFearless, about "a young brother and sister who learn their family is part of a long line of monster hunters... [and who] must band together against the most diabolical creature in the universe." Didn't take long for the Disney folks to take a thinly veiled shot at Michael Eisner, did it? [Variety]

• Despite the public denials and a recent Italian vacation courtesy of OK! magazine, Jackass Bam Margera confirms Nick and Jessica's split to Us Weekly, Nick hits Vegas, and Jessica spends their third wedding anniversary in Nairobi. At this point, we think it's safe to say that this marriage is floating face-down in the bathtub of love. [Page Six]
• Biographer Andrew Morton — who's covered Princess Di, Madonna, and Monica Lewinsky — has set his sights on Tom Cruise for a book coming out through St. Martin's Press next fall. That is, if he doesn't wind up in a cement block far beneath the Scientology Celebrity Center first. [R&M]
• Tina Brown and Harold Evans host the party for Shopgirl at their 57th Street dungeon. We presume there was no ping-ponging for Claire Danes. [Lowdown (2nd to last)]
• Only dark, moody Irish gangsters can save NBC's Jeff Zucker. [Page Six]
• Paris Hilton insists that she didn't fuck violent actor Tom Sizemore. She made love, you heathens. [Scoop]

NBC, America's Most Desperate Network™, won a bidding war with CBS for Aaron Sorkin's Studio 7, a Larry Sanders-esque drama about a Saturday Night Live-ish variety show. Sorkin's previous credits include creating The West Wing and Sports Night, writing A Few Good Men, and exploring altered states of consciousness through the intake of various hallucinogens and narcotics. This is how the LAT concludes its piece on the Studio 7 sale:

· Warner Brothers throws money at a comedy pitch that sounds like the beginning of a very bad joke from the Wedding Crashers team of David Dobkin and Andrew Panay: "Story concerns three daughters who bring their boyfriends home — an Arab, a Jew and an African-American — to meet their hard-nosed Southern father during the holidays." As soon as the pair can remember the set-up for the one that ends with the duck telling the bartender to "just put it on my bill," Universal is expected to make a preemptive $5 million offer to the pair. [Variety]
· You already know about how you'll soon be able to squint through your favorite TV shows on the video iPod, but why not read the trade reports? [Variety, THR]
· Fox has kicked The Simple Life to the curb, but NBC and The WB might be interested in getting some sloppy seconds with Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie. [Variety]
· CBS picks up the back nine for Ghost Whisperer, Criminal Minds, and How I Met Your Mother. Clearly, Jennifer Love Hewitt's ghost-detecting rack is good for at least nine more episodes. [THR]
· The Yankees are out of the playoffs, but unfortunately for Fox, they took all the Nielsen families with them. [Variety]

Every so often, a magical combination of celebrity and odd circumstance birth a Special Edition of our PrivacyWatch feature. A reader gives us David Carradine, a fast food joint, and a wandering canine:

Kurt Andersen on NBC President Jeff Zucker last week:

· BREAKING! Filled with bloodlust and lacking anyone else exciting to fire, Paramount's Brad Grey shitcans himself! Actually, Grey dismissed the heads of Paramount Classics, news (we heard the chatter earlier today) we find somewhat unsatisfying.
· Despite earlier reports that a fire in Pasadena destroyed Wayne Manor in Pasadena, the Batman house was not harmed. Holy misidentified conflagrations, Batman, etc etc.
· How do you get Page Six to back off? Show up to their office and act cute and pouty.
· NBC Out of Ideas, Enough Already! Edition: In early November, The West Wing will beat the live-TV horse that Will & Grace killed last week.