· Jeremy Piven is in final talks to star in an untitled New Line "man vs. nature" comedy. Get ready for it: "Piven will play a smug Portland, Ore., real estate developer who accepts a challenge from his real estate mogul boss to develop a pristine forest in the hopes of being promoted to partner. He gets more than he bargained for when the area's animal residents start taking their revenge on him and wreak havoc on his every attempt to develop the land." Piven finally gets the lead, and he has to do an angry-raccoons-attacking-uptight-suit" flick? He should fire his agent. Again. [THR]
· SATC creator Darren Star leaves behind the world of shoe-shopping and funky spunk to develop an hour-long BBC soap about Formula One racing, "an enormous sport overseas that barely exists here." Next up: Star's sassy look at the world of cricket players' wives. [Variety]
· Annals of stunt casting: Tom Selleck will guest star on Boston Legal as Candace Bergen's ex-husband. [THR]
· Shitergy alert: USA and Bravo will pay sister company NBC Universal $1.4 million an episode for cable rights to House reruns, a hefty sum that should nip in the bud any notions that the cable nets got some sort of sweetheart deal from their corporate sibling. [Variety]
· In fairness, NBC doesn't get trounced in the ratings every single night. Last night's Biggest Loser finale did big numbers, giving them their highest (non-Olympic) rating in that timeslot in four long years, prompting president Kevin Reilly to immediately demand that his Loser finalist regain their weight for a live, two-hour special "pound-off" during February sweeps. [THR]

And if the previous ones could be shot, too, that'd be great.

· Disney and Jerry Bruckheimer "quietly" agree to a 5-year film production deal, locking up the producer responsible for half-a-billion dollars' worth of Pirates of the Caribbean sequels long enough to allow Bruck to oversee the eventual installments starring Paul Walker and Bruce Willis in the roles originated by Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp. To celebrate their continuing partnership, Mouse head Robert Iger and Bruckheimer will detonate Snow White's castle at the conclusion of tonight's Disneyland fireworks, then dance around any broken character bodies injured in the display. [Variety]
· Sundance announces this year's festival slate, with officials promising "a return to our roots" demonstrated by a commitment to movies that might seem less marketable to Hollywood types than years past. Hollywood types express their gratitude to the Sundance staff for further reducing any guilt they might feel about flying to Utah solely to drink themselves snowblind while fighting over gift bags. [THR]
· Paramount signs up Jim Carrey to star in a Tim Burton-directed action-adventure film based on Robert "Believe It or Not" Ripley's life, but the actor will "squeeze in" a thriller, a Ben Stiller comedy, and a brief nervous breakdown hiatus before reporting for Ripley duty next October. [Variety]
· The Squid and the Whale leads the Independent Spirit award nominations with six, including ones for best feature, best male lead, and best female lead. [THR]
· Faded NBC Uni golden boy Jeff Zucker lures Miramax survivor Meryl Poster to his lair with a producing deal for both television shows and feature films. Poster's deal also gives Zucker the contractual right to furtively assassinate her in the press should his own job ever seem in danger. [Variety]

· Selected cosmopolitan audiences love Fat Clooney! Syriana pulls down over half a million bucks on only five screens spread across LA, NY, and Toronto. Personal anecdote loosely illustrating Syriana's big city popularity: We were among those lining up for a sold-out showing at the Grove (do we live there now?), and enjoyed a satisfied laugh when the theater's crack crowd-control personnel punished evil line-jumpers by loudly yanking them aside and making them wait to enter the lobby. [Variety]
· "There was a time when Howard Stern fans could hear — but not see — a naked porn star giving a hot-oil massage on TV uncensored." God bless the brave new world of VOD. [THR]
· CBS seems likely to repeat as November sweeps champs in the coveted 18-49 demographic, as well as in the merely AARP-lusted-after 25-54 demo. NBC, it seems, is still valiantly refusing to cease its primetime broadcast operations, even in the face of unspeakable Nielsen horror. [Variety]
· Harry Potter dominates the foreign box office, bringing its international treasure chest up to $207 million, an amount that will almost certainly be written off as "offshore piracy" when figuring out profit participation. [Variety]
· Mad About You writer Danny Jacobson will pen the suddenly, officially single Nick Lachey's comedy pilot for The WB. Lachey will play a baseball player trying to navigate a new marriage, but who quickly fades into obscurity once the wife discovers how many movie stars are willing to sleep with her. [THR]

· Viacom names the board members of its post-split companies. While "new" Viacom head Tom Freston endeavored to populate his new board with solid, qualified businesspeople, CBS Corp. despot Les Moonves selected only directors bloodthirsty enough to help him rise up and slay skeletal corporate overlord Sumner Redstone when the time is right. [Variety]
· Sylvester Stallone recasts his own real-life son (whose heartbreaking turn as Rocky Jr. in the last movie haunts us to this day) with Gilmore Girls' Milo Ventimiglia for the sixth Rocky installment. What can we believe in when even nepotism fails us in this time of need? [THR]
· CBS midseason schedule unfolds before our eyes: Out of Practice gets a January "breather" (read: tied up in Les Moonves's trunk) while Tom Cavanaugh project Love Monkey and The Jenna Elfman Show find time slots. In March, when (read: if) )Out of Practice returns, it will be joined by the Julia Louis Dreyfus show The New Adventures of Old Christine and the David Mamet drama The Unit. Got it? Nope, neither do we. [Variety]
· Kevin Reilly celebrates the pre-Thanksgiving miracle of an NBC ratings win by giving turkeys to all of his employees. Unfortunately, the birds were already half-baked and will likely have to be abandoned midway through Thursday's meals. [THR]
· Single track downloads more than doubled from last year, but album sales are down 7%, prompting the MPAA to sue each individual downloaded track for destroying the industry's business model. [Variety]

• Martha Stewart's next mag, Blueprint, will cater to 20-somethings buying their first homes. God, might we actually have to read it? [AdAge]
• Talking Points Memo'er Josh Marshall hires two bloggers to report for him. Bloggers who have to report?! Huh? Wha? [NY Sun]
• Craig of Craiglist to launch journalism project. Which is good, because he's slowly killing newspapers by taking their classifieds, anyway. [Guardian]
• Total mag ad pages up ever so slightly in 2005. Woo-hoo! Not dead yet! [MIN]
• Disaggregated media content confuses Simon Dumenco, who generously offers to disaggregate his column. [AdAge]
• Greg Mitchell says John Tierney is full of shit. [E&P]
• NBC Universal to close Trio, leaving one fewer cable network you don't watch. [Hollywood Reporter via MSNCB]

· Networks and studios mull possibility of "suing the living shit" out of TiVo for allowing users to transfer recorded programs to their iPods or PSPs, at least until they figure out how to cut themselves in on the action. [Variety]
· Testifying before a panel of Senators at the Museum of TV and Radio in Beverly Hills, MPAA head Dan Glickman blamed the Chinese government's restrictions on foreign entertainment product for creating "a marketplace vacuum that pirates are only too happy to fill." Glickman then implored the Senators to launch an immediate nuclear strike on the nation to "wipe out Chinese counterfeit DVDs...forever!" [THR]
· Confident that housewives will welcome a break from the relentless presentation of cheap, made-for-TV movies about domestic violence and eating disorders, Lifetime shells out over $1.35 million an episode for Medium reruns. [Variety]
· Hillary Clinton's presentation of an award to the most powerful woman in the world (Oprah, duh) brings welcome buzz to the International Emmy Awards. [Variety]
· NBC Universal demotes struggling network Trio to broadband, still working on the technology that will allow them to upload struggling president Kevin Reilly onto one of its new servers. [THR]

· ABC climbs quickly back in bed with recently ousted Commander in Chief creator/showrunner Rod Lurie, who will get to write and direct the second installment of his planned "Improbable Office-Holders" trilogy with Triumph, the story of an 18 year old mayor. Should the pilot get a series order, ABC and the strong-willed Lurie plan on parting bitterly after the third episode, in which the manchild mayor loses his virginity to an entire brothelful of prostitutes. [Variety]
· Jessica Simpson is in negotiations to star with Dane Cook in Lions Gate's Employee of the Month. Simpson's father/manager is getting a producing credit, and a healthy bonus awaits if he can maintain the illusion that his daughter's marriage is still intact while simultaneously feeding rumors of an affair with her co-star to US Weekly. [THR]
· Ashton Kutcher's Katalyst sets up the reincarnation pilot For Pete's Sake at NBC. Producing partner Jason Goldberg notes Kutcher's personal stamp on the project: in their world, celebrities automatically get into heaven. Indeed, no one could possibly doubt Kutcher's involvement now that he's turning the afterlife into the Spider Club. [Variety]
· Not even NBC's potent Poseidon Adventure triumvirate of Adam Baldwin, Rutger Hauer, and Steve Guttenberg could get within spitting distance of the ABC Sunday night Nielsen wrecking ball, making the Guttenberg/Patrick Dempsey Police Academy/Loverboy face-off somewhat anticlimactic. [THR]
· CBS will pit underemployed, fading celebrities against each other in classic gameshows for an American version of British hit Gameshow Marathon. The public will certainly clamor to watch a third season Survivor loser and Brad Garrett match wits in a heated Card Sharks contest. [Variety]

• The original Cosmo girl, 83-year-old Helen Gurley Brown, wanted so badly to be on Ellen DeGeneres's talk show that she sent in an "audition tape" featuring her performing a choreographed dance to the best of Andrew Lloyd Webber. The adorable dinosaur even sported a leotard, but apparently that didn't arouse Ellen's libido. [Gatecrasher]
• Porn star Jessica Jaymes is attempting to sell a story of her sexual encounter with Jessica Simpson's pseudo-hubby Nick Lachey for $1 million. No one's interested, perhaps because no one's really surprised. [Page Six]
• Yoko Ono is pissed that Dateline NBC commemorated the 25th anniversary of husband John Lennon's death by devoting airtime to his killer, as opposed to promoting her new book. [R&M]
• In the latest GQ, Woman of the Year Jennifer Aniston lashes out at Page Six's Richard Johnson, saying his coverage of of her breakup with Brad Pitt "was just a game to him, this sick [expletive]." Aw, Jen — Johnson's not playing games. He takes his sick shit very seriously. [Page Six]
• Jake Gyllenhaal denies rumors that he used a body double for his meat-tastic role in Jarhead. We certainly hope he didn't, or else that'll destroy the imagery for our top 5 masturbatory fantasies. [Scoop (2nd item)]
• Jenna Jameson uses MySpace.com? Strange days, people. [Lowdown (2nd item)]

· Paramount rewards South Park's Trey Parker and Matt Stone for ridiculing their biggest movie star with a three-year production deal. The team has also formed their own company, Trunity, a Mediar company, a division of True Mediar, a Unity Corpbopoly. OK, we get it, you're wacky! [Variety]
· The OC continues to throw new characters at its third season story problems, this time signing up thirteen's Nikki Reed for a four episode arc. Still, should be a better addition than the Preppy Psychotic Statutory Rapist Dean. [THR]
· The ratings sweeps race is looking like a two-horse affair, with ABC and CBS battling for position "down the stretch." To further belabor the metaphor: NBC is still stuck at the gate, humping its dead steed with eyes squeezed shut, thinking of the Friends cast. [Variety]
· "Self-described hot-rod enthusiast" Jon Favreau will write and direct hot-rod drama Johnny Zero for Columbia. We hate to be so cynical, but why do we get the feeling that his assistant was printing out every Google result for "history of hot-rodding" the night before the studio meeting? [THR]
· Bernie Mac is developing an "All in the Family-like" sitcom for Fox. But this time, of course, the Archie Bunker character will be black instead of Michael Rappaport. [Variety]

On the AP wire this morning:

· Lions Gate makes a deal with Panamax Films to produce a slate of Spanish language telenovela films aimed towards a growing Hispanic population, proving the time-tested studio technique of underestimating your audience s intelligence knows no cultural bounds. [Variety]
· Robert DeNiro returns to familiar mob territory in The Winter of Frankie Machine, playing a bait shop owner who upon finding out that he's "been targeted for a hit, gets back in the business. Ari Emanuel excitedly anticipates future opportunities to trot out his hilarious just when I think I m out, they pull me back in! Pacino impression. [Variety]
· NBC renews E-Ring when the show gets a modest ratings boost after a timeslot switcheroo with Martha Stewart s lame duck Apprentice, which in turn pits her against ABC s unstoppable Lost. Martha learns the hard way that audiences would much rather see a dirt-smeared Michelle Rodriguez blow Shannon away then watch a room of semi-retarded candidates slap-fight over flower arrangements. [THR]
· Al-Jazeera is having a tough time selling its English language network to the US, with a rep explaining, There is still a negative perception of the Al-Jazeera brand." Apparently America is just not ready for the next razzle-dazzle reality sensation, Dancing With The Suicide Bombing Stars. [Variety]
· Mandy Moore will play daughter to Diane Keaton s meddling mother in Gold Circle Films' Because I Said So, hotly buzzed to be the best forgettable, mediocre meddling-mother /daughter movie since Anywhere But Here. [Variety]

• American Press Institute launches $2 million project to figure out the future of newspapers. By all current evidence: Death. [E&P]
• How will Nightline survive post-Koppel? Standards, dammit, says Koppel. [USAT]
• Bob Woodward grew up and turned in his father, metaphorically speaking. [VV]
• Bill Keller has a "serious case of Judy Miller fatigue." Just like everyone else. [Daily Princetonian]
• Media transparency is busting out all over. Yay! [LAT]
• Liberals don't listen to the radio or watch much TV, says NBC chief. And it's for genetic reasons. [B&C]
• Aaron Brown is the king of lunch. Also, he'd take the ABC or CBS jobs, if they were offered. We would, too. [Phil. Inquirer]
• The Judy World Tour continues, last night at George Washington University. [FishbowlDC]
• Peacock to Martha: You're fired! [WP]

· Warner Brothers and AOL team up to create the web television outlet IN2TV, which will air library titles (read: Chico and the Man) for free on demand, though with four 15-second commercials per half hour. The webnet will also be able to offer interactive features with the programming, like the indispensable ability to win prizes if a viewer can correctly guess how many secret Christian references Kirk Cameron slipped into late season Growing Pains episodes. [Variety]
· ABC continues its predictable, yet oddly comforting, Sunday night ratings dominance. It's kind of nice to know that no matter what ludicrous plot twist surfaces on Desperate Housewives (this week: the gay-seeming pharmacist moves ever closer to becoming a serial killer), people will still tune in in massive numbers. [THR]
· More Aquaman news: The WB will give Aquaman the Smallville treatment, but it won't be a spinoff launched by the recent fish-boy cameo on that series. The new producers promise that the character won't "won't be talking to fish or riding a seahorse," which will basically reduce him to an above average swimmer who wears orange spandex to class. [Variety]
· Greg Coolidge, the man behind Cockblockers, is set to write the script for 5-0, a single-camera comedy about a short, 18 year-old cop. For NBC, exactly the hit-starved place we'd expect to greenlight Doogie Howser PD. [Variety]
· New Line will keep star Will Arnett busy in the rapidly approaching post-Arrested Development era, casting him as the lead in comedy Jeff the Demon. [Variety]

In the end, it was Martha Stewart herself who "just didn't fit in," or "needs to leave now," or "sorry, it just isn't working out," or...what was her kiss-off phrase, anyway? If she had just listened to us and used "Bite the doily," she might not have found herself the latest addition to the NBC compost heap:

· Warner Bros. says it's targeting older audiences with the PG-13 Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, hoping to attract gullible pervs who think the more restrictive rating indicates that Hermione finally flashes a nipple. [Variety]
· NBC is number one! NBC is number one! OK, it's in product placement, but at this point they'll take anything that doesn't involve the words "fourth place." President Kevin Reilly is expected to take the entire company out for cupcakes to celebrate this hard-fought moral victory. [THR]
· Steve Jobs says Pixar is in "deep discussions" with Disney and if the two companies are to hammer out a new agreement, he hopes to have it done by the end of the year. Disney CEO Bob Iger, emboldened by Chicken Little's good enough opening, vows to only "beg a little, with a minimum of crying," and only if Jobs "asks politely." [Variety]
· Showtime reportedly axed 10 percent of its workforce this week; a spokeman says the cuts were in preparation for parent company Viacom's corporate split, not a knee-jerk response to a rumor that HBO was planning to let one of its production assistants go. [THR]
· Bull's Eye Entertainment develops for TV, including comedy project The Group about a rock band in therapy, and a small screen version of Paul Haggis film Crash, the tentatively titled The Racism Is Bad! White Guilt Melodrama Hour. [Variety]

One might argue that anyone not smart enough to realize that signing up for a reality show is tantamount to waiving one's Constitutional right not to look like an asshole on television is barely competent enough to wrangle wayward shopping carts in the Ralphs parking lot, much less serve under Donald Trump in the ceremonial capacity awarded to Apprentice winners. Staring down the manicure on The Donald's Downsizing Pinky of Death stirs something in a dismissed candidate's soul, however, and compels boardroom chaff to whine about their depiction:

· CBS joins NBC in offering free content for a low, low $.99 price, through Comcast's on-demand system. NBC, also reportedly close to a deal with Apple to make their content available for the iPod, ups the ante by promising downloaders that they'll have the added ability to cancel anything from their Fall schedule directly from their handheld media player. [Variety]
· Blockbuster endures a "hefty" $491 million third quarter loss, prepares for the day that their stores become very cheerfully decorated squats (with almost unlimited microwave popcorn!) for the homeless. [THR]
· Laura Linney strives for "2004 Ben Stiller" levels of ubiquity, will simultaneously film the comedy Man of the Year and spy thriller Breach. [Variety]
· "Ashton Kutcher already has joined the cast of the action drama." Are there any sweeter words in all of Hollywood? [THR]
· "What do you mean Uwe Boll's not available? OK, what other video-game specialist hack needs to eat this week? The Resident Evil guy? Bring him to me!" [Variety]

Think someone at NBC was a Six Feet Under fan? Our pal Andy Towle at Towleroad does.
· At the UK premiere of that black-and-white movie about the commies, Clooney puts to rest all speculation that he'd have a reason for buying that gay bar: “I’ve no preference towards anyone, ladies or men, Italian or American.” Also, it seems that Clooney coldcocked a dude, just for good measure.
· We have only three words to say about Howard Stern's one-day suspension, served tomorrow: F Tom Chiusano. [SFX: golf club swing]
· We are shocked—shocked!—that Lindsay Lohan hasn't given a lot of thought to the college selection process.
· Most depressing headline of the day: NBC's big bright spot: Jay Leno. Ever seen a peacock put its head in the oven? You might soon.

NBC executives have stumbled onto a creative solution to their recent ratings woes, and it's exactly the kind of out-of-the-Idea-Box thinking that made these kind of drastic, "we'll do anything—but make good television!" solutions necessary in the first place: charging the public for the same, free NBC-Universal programming it doesn't watch to begin with: