Perhaps the only thing more depressing than calculating that if Paris Hilton receives the $1 million NBC is reportedly paying her for their World! Exclusive! Post-Jail! Interview!, she effectively will have earned $43,478.26 for each of the 23 days she served in prison is reading about the behind-the-scenes chess match (chess is the game where one person places a stack of twenty-dollar bills on a table, and then the other player counters by dumping a Hefty bag full of hundreds on top of it, right?) that resulted in the Peacock's big "get." The NY Times reports that NBC was triumphant in the Hilton showdown because ABC, like the tragic loser in so many ethnic-joke duels, brought a knife to a gunfight:

According to various reports—more on that later—one network or another has agreed to pay or to not pay a large or even more large amount of money to Paris Hilton for an interview. The network will not be ABC—although they figured the "credibility" and close connection Barbara Walters has with the Hilton family (oh, plus an offer of $100,000) would snag them the first post-jail interview with Paris Hilton. Some reports say Walters was out-credibilitied by Meredith Viera and at least $650,000. Others say NBC's offer is $1 million. NBC says they don't pay for interviews, and fast-talking Paris publicist Mike Sitrick says the same, which means the opposite is true.

It feels like only yesterday that Paris Hilton was re-jailed after one magical night of luxuriating in the freedom of home-imprisonment, but the moment when she finally emerges from an unjust incarceration and shines as a Mandelaesque beacon of hope to all of those affected by Los Angeles County's oppressive system of celebutardtheid is nigh. And when Hilton exits the Century Regional Detention Facility sometime next week, she will need to be greeted by a television camera and a friendly face to ease her transition into her new role as Goodwill Ambassador for Stuff She Cares About Now.

· If there's any blowback from NBCU corporate following Friday's DHD story about Ben Silverman's alleged 420-friendliness, the template for his salvation has already been established by his Peacock hero, Brandon Tartikoff. All he needs to do is grab some of his pals from The Office, cut a quickie The More You Know PSA about staying off the dope, and all will be forgiven.
· Is it possible to love the White Stripes too much? We think it is.
· OMG! She. Met. Angie! For reals! In person! And guess what? She's skinny!
· Tom Cruise is Becks' bestest BFF ever! He flew all the way to Madrid and pretended to care about his big soccer thingy.
· Breaking: Paris cooperative.

Last week, Slate's Kim Masters reported that NBC Universal boss Jeff Zucker was starting to discover that the brash up-and-comer he'd just handpicked might be, to use the most delicate terms possible, a "voracious party animal." Today, in diving deep into All Things Ben Silverman, DHD's Nikki Finke discusses at length TV's leading Colombian tetas importer's "liberal attitudes towards marijuana use," noting that a delay in the completion of his NBC deal could put off the ceremonial turnover of his urine sample until after the Fourth of July holiday, giving Silverman plenty of time to clear his golden stream of THC. Rather than embrace the positive and take this alleged affinity for the bong (there is absolutely no truth to the rumor we just made up that Silverman tried to rename NUTS as 420 Studios before being forced to go with the safer Universal Media Studios by a mellow-harshing suit) as a sign that their new executive isn't a narc trying to take down the entire network from the inside, Zucker has apparently chosen to fret about the situation. Reports Finke:

· Displaying the kind of out-of-the-box vision that recently won him NBC's top programming job at the tender age of 19 (so young, we know!), Ben Silverman has acquired the rights to the Colombian televovela Sin tetas no hay paraiso (Without Breasts There is No Paradise), the story of a woman who seeks a breast enlargement as a solution to her poverty and gets entangled in prostitution. "I scour the world for the best ideas and for the game-changing hit shows and Sin Tetas is one of those shows," crowed Silverman about his get. "Dude, it's like my huge ABC success Ugly Betty, but with hookers and big tits. I've got another winner here, I just know it." [Variety]
· And with leadership like that, why wouldn't NBC Universal be "upbeat" about their network's prospects? [THR]
· The Middle East is hottest war-torn setting in Hollywood right now, with "at least six" films about the region on the way between June and early 2008. [Variety]
· Bruce Willis and daughter Rumer will spend some quality time together building up their family business on the set of The Sophomore, a "teenage take on Chinatown." Unfortunately, Mischa Barton, once famously out-acted by some scene-hogging patio furniture in a pivotal moment on The OC, is also attached to the intriguing project. [THR]
· Speaking of the Willis family business, Rumer step-dad Ashton Kutcher is producing another movie. Details available, but uninteresting. [Variety]

Hoping to capitalize on the media attention being lavished upon the recent meltdowns of Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, and Lindsay Lohan, billionaire reality television personality and premium-meats magnate Donald Trump is developing his next surefire hit for the downmarket Fox network, perhaps worried that The Apprentice partner NBC's oft-invoked obsession with "quality" might hamper the execution of his vision for the just-announced Lady or a Tramp. (Barely rejected original title: Trump Sluts.)

· HBO and Tom Hanks' Playtone are close to a deal to adapt the Vincent Bugliosi book Reclaiming History: The Assassination of President John F. Kennedy into a miniseries that would finally pay some attention to the allegedly shadowy circumstances surrounding the too-long-ignored event of JFK's untimely death. [Variety]
· John McTiernan will direct the "Las Vegas action thriller" High Stakes. The director's impressive list of credits include Die Hard, The Last Action Hero, and lying to the FBI about his involvement with wiretapper-to-the-stars Anthony Pellicano. [THR]
· Bourne franchise BFFs Matt Damon and Paul Greengrass are close to reigniting their professional love affair with an adaptation of the book Imperial Life in the Emerald City for Universal. [Variety]
· Newly installed NBC Universal TV Studio president Katherine Pope celebrates her promotion by dumping a huge pile of money in Heroes creator/executive producer Tim Kring's lap. [THR]
·And in other "showrunners getting filthy rich" news, Scrubs' Bill Lawrence (pictured, looking stunned by his staggering wealth) signs an eight-figure, four-year overall deal with ABC Studios, who bought him out of his NUTS contract. [Variety]

Continuing our recent series of late afternoon posts about "Getting to Know You" stories involving new NBC head-rock-star-in-charge Ben Silverman, we turn our attention to today's Kim Masters Slate piece on the party-positive network chief, who already seems to have intuited that he may have to abandon his plans to end each successful staff meeting with a round of tequila body shots if he wants to keep his corporate bosses off his back:

Great news indeed for fans of CBS's Jericho: It seems burying a network in thousands of pounds of shelled peanuts delivered by suspiciously friendly-looking UPS workers is indeed an effective way of convincing shortsighted programming executives to reconsider their decisions to cancel low-rated nuclear war dramas. Reports TVGuide.com in a Jericho! Fan Resurrection! Exclusive!:

It's been way too long since we've read a good story hinting at the unspeakable horrors that would inevitably follow a potential Writers Guild strike, but today's Variety piece on how a work stoppage will impact reality TV production has at least temporarily given us the testicle-retracting scare we've been craving. While Var says that it's "not necessarily the case" that a strike would good for the unscripted sector, it's impossible not to imagine the networks quickly devolving from the mere reality-riddled disappointments they currently are into full-blown, post-Apocalyptic, Mark-Burnett-controlled hellscapes in which nary a union writer credit will be found:

· Maybe we're just fatigued from too much Hilton coverage, but does it seem like E! gave Paris an airbrushed rack as a going away present? Bonus: A Simple Life mugshot face-off!
· Headline begging for a bad one-liner that we're too lazy to provide: Pope To Be Named NBC Studio Head, Sources Say.
· We're pretty sure the reasons blogs were invented were to make sure it's as simple as possible to start an online feud with indie rockers who allegedly stole your basketball.
· Slow the Fuck Down, says angry Hancock Park sign-maker.
· LAist decries the inhumane conditions (i.e., exposure to Dane Cook) they were subjected to in the MTV Movie Awards Blogghetto.

TVWeek corralled just-installed NBC Entertainment co-chair Ben Silverman (pictured above enjoying himself in the general vicinity of soon-to-be sworn enemy Les Moonves of CBS) for a "getting to know you" chat, in which the recently anointed New Peacock Messiah reveals that while he has managed to chug the company's "Choke on Our Quality" Kool-Aid, his acceptance of the gig progressed so quickly that he hasn't yet had time to take care of certain details unimportant to taking the job, like watching all of the network's Fall pick-ups. Reports TV Week:

· New NBC golden boy Ben Silverman is already hard at work, talking disgruntled Donald Trump down from a Trump Tower ledge by reopening talks about possibly bringing back The Apprentice. "I can see this guy is gonna be a star," says Trump, appreciating the business savvy of a player who might not be afraid to throw away untold millions to return his low-rated show to primetime. [Variety]
· Dania "The One Who Drove AJ Soprano To Suicide" Ramirez will join Heroes as a series regular. (Hey, she's got mutant experience from X-Men 3.) While her "powers are being kept under wraps," producers are rumored to still be deciding between superhuman Rollerblading skills and the ability to make the world's most delicious sandwiches. [THR]
· The Canadian government quickly surrenders to visiting California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, helpless against his onslaught of tired movie catchphrases meant to communicate the importance of introducing tougher anti-piracy legislation. [Variety]
· Not that you might possibly care, but USA won the cable rights to Pirates 3, completing its acquisition of all three installments of the franchise. [THR]
· Pirate Master (which we actually watched, God help us, confirming our suspicion that it's nothing more than Survivor with an eyepatch and a big boat) is off to a weak start for CBS. None of us are going to make it through the summer TV season alive, we can feel it already. [Variety]

· Today's pleasant surprise: TB Guy (already greenlighted to 2008 sitcom pilot by ABC, incidentally) has a hot wife! Also: Fuck you, TB Guy! says HuffPo blogger, rest of world's humans.
· This just in: shitty ratings are not good for network president job security. Mind-blowing, we know.
· Another great reason (even better than $1300 pre-teen Mystic tans) to love our city: the bike-by shooting.
· The Biel Spiel is unquestionably the best fake Jessica Biel blog out there.
· Can someone whip up one of these deals for L.A. before the summer's over? We could really use some exercise.

· Let the CancellationWatch begin: After finishing fifth on Monday night with about 3 million viewers, On the Lot's ratings creep up to a still-anemic 4 million on Tuesday. We recommend that you enjoy judge Carrie Fisher's desperate attempts to marry off her daughter to the "next Spielberg" while you still can. [Variety, Variety]
· But here's some news sure to cheer you up: Dane Cook continues to work, and is in negotiations to star in comedy Bachelor No. 2, in which he'll play an asshole who tries to drive girls back to the guys they just dumped by taking them on hilariously bad dates. [THR]
· As if sleeping underneath an autographed photo of NBC legend Brandon Tartikoff as a child didn't prove new NBC co-chairman Ben Silverman's love of all things Peacock, he lets the industry know just how badly he ached for the gig: "I am taking a massive financial hit, which is a testament to how passionate I am about this job." Ah, there's nothing more heartwarming than a former agent publicly disclosing the pay cut he's allegedly taking to chase his Hollywood dream. [Variety]
· Meanwhile, Silverman will remain involved at Reveille (with which NBC extended its first-look deal for another two years) as a silent owner and won't have a financial stake in its new shows, a well-thought-out arrangement that is sure to be utterly free of troubling conflicts of interest. Everyone wins! [Variety]
· Ashton Kutcher's Katalyst Films signs an overall deal with CBS Corp., a move that clearly establishes the Punk'd star and up-and-coming producer as the eventual successor to Les Moonves, himself a former terrible actor with boundless ambition. [THR]

There is perhaps no better example of exploitation television than Dateline NBC's ongoing To Catch a Predator series: It's voyeuristic humilitainment in its purest form, in which correspondent Chris Hansen (who wrote a book about his ongoing moral crusade, along with co-author, Deep Denial) ambushes adult men on camera who are lured to homes over the internet on the pretense of having sex with a minor. Producer Marsha Bartel, a 21-year NBC news veteran, claims she was unfairly terminated by the network after bringing up the many ethical and legal lapses involved in setting up the stings—particularly those committed by NBC's partner in the operation, shadowy "watchdog group" Perverted Justice, who are paid for their services. In a lawsuit brought against the network, Bartel outlines all the dirty tricks it takes to bring the public its primetime pedophiliac fun. From The Smoking Gun:

NBC viewers blame it for being "so damned entertaining." [TSG]

Because no seismic shift in the Hollywood power matrix feels fully complete without the requisite internal memo patting the ousted exec on his recently axed head for a job well done—but not quite well enough to warrant not getting fired!—while welcoming with great fanfare his more promising replacement, we offer the following message from NBC Universal President and CEO Jeff Zucker. It introduced new co-chairmen, Ben "Zucker II" Silverman and Marc Graboff, to his army of blind followers, who know better than to question the at times brutal wisdom of their sheeny-scalped overlord. The rest of the memo and press release follow after the jump:

· As we mentioned earlier, there's a new Golden Boy at NBC: Jeff Zucker reconfigures the executive structure at the once great, now consistently fourth-place network, essentially drop-kicking Kevin Reilly and luring Ben Silverman away from his successful production company to take over West Coast operations. [Variety]
· The aptly named Still Rolling Prods. says principal photography on grannie heist movie Poor Things is to begin Wednesday as planned, which means either co-star Lindsay Lohan will be recast, or the script will be rewritten to incorporate an actual L.A. courthouse and Malibu detox facility. [Variety]
· CBS greenlit six episodes of Do You Trust Me?, a game show that's betting audiences will show up to see if a player falling backwards will be caught by his co-contestants, or if they'll pull their arms away at the last moment, allowing him to be impaled on the Spikes of Death. [Variety]
· Miss Universe takes a beating in the ratings, trampled by a Two and a Half Men rerun. Miss USA, meanwhile, takes a beating of her own, tripping during the evening gown competition and getting booed loudly by the Mexican audience during the interview portion. Terrible! Kind of funny, but just terrible! [THR]
· In keeping with recent trends of premiering major Hollywood releases abroad (hey—they know on which side of the Atlantic and/or Pacific their popcorn flick is buttered), Michael Bay's blowing-shit-uppingest movie in ages, Transformers, is to get its first public showing at Rome's Taormina Film Fest. [THR]