Looks like Penelope co-stars Christina Ricci and Reese Witherspoon could learn a thing or two from touchy-feely new couple Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman: when co-starring in a film that's not guaranteed to be a hit, don't stop at matching haircuts and standing thisclose together at the premiere. Go in for the kill already! Holding on to each other and smiling from ear to ear (but not rear to rear), Reesetina looked almost as lovey-dovey as ScarNat at the LA premiere of Penelope last night, but one set of tattooed cleavage does not a Fake Kiss make.

[Actress Natalie Portman at the London premiere party for her new film The Other Boleyn Girl; image via Bauer-Griffin]

["The Other Boleyn Girl" actresses Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johansson on the red carpet this weekend. Image: WireImage via CityRag] Click thumb for larger, at CityRag.

Scarlett Johansson got everyone's attention posing with Natalie Portman on the cover of this month's W, where they both looked hot but also like replicants from the same assembly line. Now of course Johansson is wisely making news in the other direction, by busting out and showing off how very different she is from Portman. She's been helped along by the intrepid Brit tabloid the Sun, which just ran a story that starts with the title "Scarlett Shows Off Johanssons" and then just gets classier. It comes from a screening in Berlin the two actresses attended together. Here's how the Sun captioned the photos:

[Actresses Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman at the premiere of their new film "The Other Boleyn Girl" in Berlin yesterday; image via Splash]

Feminist icon Jane Fonda used the word "cunt" on the Today Show, rather than Oprah-approved vajayjay, and the moral guardians shuddered, but with less conviction than they once summoned. Swearwords found safety in numbers: John Edwards thinks Barack Obama is a "pussy"; and the likely Republican nominee, who survived years in a prisoner-of-war camp, is a "sissy", according to Salon. In preparation for a limp-wristed political future, 24 dumped its torture-loving creator. Sissy: not something one could say about Hayden Christensen, star of Doug Liman's new science-fiction movie, Jumper: he manfully squired co-star Rachel Bilson round Manhattan to establish his heterosexual credentials, but not so conclusively that female or gay fans would think him unavailable. (Amazingly, Madonna's new movie got better reviews.) Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman took the opposite tack, playing to male sapphic fantasies on the cover of W to promote their new movie, The Other Boleyn Sister. (We thought Scarjo looked more like a Slovak model.) Talking of pseudo-siblings, Julia Allison's 17-year-old "adopted" little sister, with whom the Star magazine talking head enjoyed posing, hooked up with Men's Vogue cad, Hud Morgan. There's a diagram. Even more complicated: the relationship between fashion designer Marc Jacobs, his boyfriend, and the gay porn star they've adopted. The New York Times adapted to these shallow times by splashing a game show, Deal or No Deal, across the front of its Arts section. But this belated populist appeal wasn't enough to staunch the loss of readers, and advertising: the Gray Lady is joining the Los Angeles Times and most every other newspaper in the US in cutting newsroom jobs. For these stories, and more, here's one page with the week's top stories. (Or just click on any of the names listed, above.)

We've been covering Natalie Portman and Paris Hilton a good deal of late. Largely because they both have new shoe lines out, as well as new movies (The Hottie & The Nottie for Ms. Hilton, The Other Boleyn Girl for Ms. Portman). Because Natalie may have botched her big launch party last night, some folks are suggesting that Natalie could learn a little something from Paris about how to launch a shoe line. Respected Actress Natalie Portman learning something from Paris Hilton?? The two are apples and oranges! How can you compare them? Well, we decided we'd go ahead and do just that. So, after the jump find a handy little chart comparing and contrasting various facets of the stars' lives. And, because everything in life is a competition, we've declared winners.

Finally, some shoes that Natalie Portman can eat. The actress (and ScarJo doppelganger) launched her own line of vegan shoes yesterday at a New York boutique, the natural environment of fervent vegans. These things would be made out of what, plastic? Yarn? It's hard to tell in this scientific era we live in. Take a guess for yourself— sample pictures of the shoes, which save animals $275 at a time, after the jump.

Which of these things is not like the other? Hard to tell upon first glance at W's S&M-inspired, unisexy cover shoot featuring Boleyn girls Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman, both decked out in heavy kohl liner, slicked back hair, and matching not-in-the-mood-for-love glares. The punky dominatrix aesthetic is a far cry from their powder-faced Boleyn characters' makeup and style, but these vampy get-ups are one of ScarJo's trademarks. Not to mention that over-stuffed cleavage look she favors. But Natalie? Going along with W's art direction to look "tough! Bitchy! Like someone stuffed a sock down your pants!"? After a brief memory of those panties and that pink wig from Closer, the initial shock wears off. What doesn't make sense, however, is the dichotomy between this cover look (bad, naughty girls who will whip you and you'll like it!) and the actresses' repetitive, insistance on their sobriety and good girl qualities in the actual interview.

This month's W magazine features actresses Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman on the cover, looking eerily similar. The magazine declares that they're Hollywood's "New Hot Duo", which is convenient given that their new movie, The Other Boleyn Girl in which they play the Boleyn sisters, is coming to theaters this month. How did they achieve such similarity? Photoshop? Make-up? Plastic surgery? Whatever it is, they've both been buffed and polished toward the same ideal, so many times, that they basically look exactly the same. The S&M/circus theme, the little dog, and Scarlett's strange expression unsettle as well. [PageSix] Click for larger image.

Thanks to roles in geek fare like Star Wars, V for Vendetta, and Garden State, the former child actress from Long Island is what Winona Ryder was a generation ago-a perpetually pixified princess with an edge.

Natalie Portman, recent screen-nudity cherry-popper and passionate advocate for debt-forgivers' rights, will guest edit an upcoming issue of Scholastic Math. From her editor's letter: "Math was one of my favorite subjects at school. It always gets a bad rap and I'm not sure why... Sure you need to use math daily for knowing how much tip to leave at a restaurant or how much flour you need to make double the amount of cookies in a recipe, but it is the less obvious practical parts of math that are most fun for me - like considering the principles of infinity. It made me excited about life to consider the limitlessness of the mind and what we can do with it." [Starpulse]

At least one blogger attending Natalie Portman's recent Columbia University lecture about micro-lending wasn't exactly blown away the actress's appeal for debt forgiveness: "Then he showed a video featuring Natalie Portman somewhere in Africa, on top of a mountain, her knees pulled to her chest, intimately looking into the camera (as the sound person apparently knocked the mic into various objects), musing about the poor people she'd met on her journey and how they've taught her that exploitative micro-finance organizations like FINCA need to forgive all their loans. The real Natalie Portman in the room didn't seem to know what to do while this video played. Sometimes she looked at the ground, sometimes at the audience, and sometimes at the screen. It would have been less awkward if she had lip-synced to herself speaking in the video. The video was short, and afterward Natalie Portman apologized for "not being as articulate as might have been expected" in it. Expected by whom?" This strikes us a little harsh, especially considering how generously Portman has given of herself lately. [I Heart Not You]

Hotel Chevalier, a 13-minute short film from director Wes Anderson starring that kid from Rushmore and wannabe lifecaster Natalie Portman, has been pulled from iTunes, the only official place to download the film. It was originally released as a promotional item for Anderson's latest release, The Darjeeling Limited. Hotel Chevalier serves as a prelude to the feature and is most notable for showcasing Natalie Portman's first nude scene. But now, when you search on iTunes for "Hotel Chevalier," nothing is returned, and clicking on the iTunes link on the film's official home page displays the error message above. We're not quite sure, yet, why it's unavailable from the Apple store (Apple PR has not returned a call for comment), but Peter Kafka at Silicon Alley Insider thinks the move was made because the short film might be heading to theaters. After the jump, a gratuitous screenshot of a semi-nude Portman from the film.

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about West Wing alumni night at The Grove, when sanctimonious trolley rides are free!

We did not know Stanford had such a problem with poverty but apparently Natalie Portman did. Threadbare Stanford sweatshirts, playing Ultimate Frisbee with a plastic plate, reading Edward Said by dwindling candlelight? The horror! [NY Post]

· Oh, Johnny Drama, you're so much better than this: Kevin Dillon will star in the 300 spoof National Lampoon's 301: The Legend of Awesomest Maximus Wallace Leonidas. Will someone please book him for some personal appearances and save him from this kind of strike-insurance slumming? [Variety]
· Cavemen's overhauled series premiere "performed OK" in the Tuesday night Nielsens, while House lead Fox to victory in primetime. [THR]
· Natalie Portman joins the cast of the remake of the Danish love-triangle drama Brothers, in which she'll play the sister-in-law boinked by dreamy-eyed homewrecker Jake Gyllenhaal while sleepy-eyed soldier Tobey Maguire is off fighting in Afghanistan. [Variety]

Thanks to today's iTunes release of the Wes Anderson short Hotel Chevalier, in which legendarily modest Natalie Portman finally fulfills some of the semi-nude promise hinted at in her suspiciously clothing-positive turn as a stripper in Closer, long-frustrated Star Wars fans finally have the crucial missing piece in their Amidala-centered masturbatory fantasies.

Natalie Portman is looking to broadcast her life, reports the New York Post. (Valleywag picked up the story in May.) Despite the forgettable pablum that currently defines lifecasting, I say she should go for it: The young actress is naturally the best person in Hollywood — or even the world — for the role.