As an experiment, Noah Oppenheim, a marine biology graduate student at the University of Maine, attached a waterproof, infrared camera to the head of a young lobster. As evening set in, he saw sights that cannot be unseen (but can be seen by you in the video below). Lobsters eating lobsters.

Two health-care workers were shot yesterday, one fatally, in Peshawar, Pakistan, leading the World Health Organization to suspend polio vaccinations there. Though no one has reportedly taken credit for the attack, it fits with an ongoing anti-vaccination terror campaign by the Pakistani Taliban, which believes health workers are agents of a western conspiracy. This belief is unfortunately not untrue.

Anthony Nicolas Orban already killed himself in jail, but the justice system isn't done with the evil California cop who abducted a diner waitress at gunpoint and raped her behind a storage shed in a seedy Inland Empire town.

Meet Traven, a 6-year-old pageant prince from Pulaski, Illinois, whose mother encourages him to be as womanizing as possible, but also got him into pageants "because he was so cute and he looked like a little girl." So yeah, there's more psychology going on in this episode of Toddlers & Tiaras than usual. This definitely feels like an a-star-is-born moment, but still I don't know what to think of Traven. He's cute, has charisma and uses nonsense words like "delican," but he's also a monster. He disrespects adults regularly — he "fires" his barber and tells his grandmother that she should go work at the Pony, their local strip club — and he's regularly applauded for doing so ("Man, I am something else," he says at one point, to the delight and agreement of every adult in the room). This is funny to watch but I imagine a lot less charming in person and regardless, Traven is a ticking time bomb of irreverence. He's not going to get away with this shit for much longer. Good thing he has reality TV to preserve this moment in amber.

Oh tra la, fiddle dee dee, dance 'round all of the Maypoles, for Verlyn Klinkenborg hath taken pen in hand to scratch out yet another dispatch from the mild climes of rural America, which is mightily preferable to the indignities of the city, where all of Verlyn Klinkenborg's readers live. This week's fascinating topic: lawns. We got our hands on the rough draft, before the cityfied editors ruined Verlyn's vision.

Last night, a horribly inbred beast called "Malachy" was named Best in Show at the Westminster Kennel Club dog show. What is this thing? It is a...

Bobby Sager is a millionaire entrepreneur who has devoted his life—when he's not busy serving as chairman of Polaroid—to traveling the world and helping people with his money. He's pals with Sting, hobnobs with Lady Gaga (pictured), and served as the inspiration for NBC's The Philanthropist. And according to internal emails from the Syrian regime, he's a great friend to that country's butcher of a president, Bashar al Assad.

You are probably still recovering from the sight of the hell baby that found its way to a San Diego beach last week. And you should be, because that thing is a terror and no one seems to know what it is. Fortunately for us, Vice tracked down the tipster who sent in the image in order to get some answers.

That thing you are staring at and trying desperately to understand is a "Chupacabra/Montauk Monster." Or at least that is what the tipster who sent it into Vice called it. It supposedly washed up on a San Diego beach just last week. At approximately two feet in length, it has the face of some sort of tusked boar and makes a weekly appearance in my nightmares. Whether you believe that it is real or not it is up to you to decide, but I am pretty sure that is the most terrible seademon you will see today. And one more for our collection of Montauk Monsters.

A team of scientists have discovered the horrible monster bug from all New Yorkers' nightmares. The "leaproach" is a cockroach capable of sailing short distances through the air and landing, possibly, on your face:

Is the mighty and fabled Abominable Snowman currently, as we speak, right this moment, trouncing around upper Russia, stealing livestock and what not? Well. It's certainly an issue over which experts can disagree.

Science stars! Kraken lair! Saturn rings! Persistent chemist! Envious mind! Foreign insects! Baltimore telescope! Ancient language! And a serious geological epochal debate! It's your Monday Science Watch, where we watch science—perilously!

The Scottish government recently imported 14 sea eagles from Norway, to reintroduce the giant bird of prey into the wilds of Scotland. Unfortunately, they chose areas not quite wild enough, according to the Scottish Gamekeepers Association, which is calling for an inquiry into the feathered monsters with wingspans of up to eight feet:

Behold the sight of this poor Irene victim, whose bloated, furry body was spotted by this blogger on the sands of Long Beach, New York. What do you think it is? Don't say it's a "Montauk monster," because that guy was irreplaceable.

Dick Cheney's memoir In My Time comes out next week, and the New York Times and Drudge Report both got their hot little hands on early copies. It sounds as excruciating as you might imagine: No apologies, no regrets, plenty of self-satisfied machismo. If Cheney had it all to do over again, the only thing he'd do differently is bomb the shit out of Syria.

If you veer just outside Washington, DC, you'll find Cheverly, Maryland's Prince George's Hospital Center. And if you veer into the woods just outside the hospital's doors, you'll find... a chupacabra?

It wouldn't be August without a monster attack, so we're going to try to invent one. Just what is this flying beast attacking passengers on a flight from Madison, Wisconsin, to Atlanta? No one knows!

A five-inch Brazilian Wandering Spider—the most venomous spider in the world, which "can also cause priapism in humans"—stowed away in a box of bananas and leaped out in a German grocery store, running through the aisles and causing pandemonium on Friday.

Demon from rock-n-roll hell and grindcore director Rob Zombie has just released his latest project: a commercial for Woolite™ brand laundry detergent. "It's not like it's scary," says Zombie. That's "cool." [NYT]

Ross Matthews, Jay Leno's former dandy jester turned Chelsea Lately panelist, recently lost a bunch of weight. Good for him! How'd he do it? Through terrible shame. Terrible shame instilled in him by none other than diamond willow reed Gwyneth Paltrow.