The Way We Live Now: Flowing. As we get poorer, we "flow" from expensive places, like colleges, to inexpensive places, like the courthouse, where we are charged with check-kiting. "Flowing" is a nice metaphor for it, don't you think?

The experts agree: stocks are a big waste of time. For more than one reason! You would have done as well, ten years ago, just burying your money in a jar in the yard.

How is the American economy supposed to limp its way back towards some pitiful semblance of prosperity when every time a city has a nice space that would be perfect for a cash-earning business, woops, a church just stole it?

The Way We Live Now: Shabby chic. The shabby part is just the part about us being so broke we pawn our gold. The chic part is we do it in Beverly Hills. Where we've kicked out the poors!

The Way We Live Now: Fading out. But then coming back! So, not to worry. We didn't need that fire station. We didn't need those "lights." Or that job. Gas prices are a bargain!

The Way We Live Now: Like cheap, cheap bastards. Let's be honest. We can't afford to waste words. If we had to sum up "the new consumer" in three words, those words would be: cheap, cheap bastards.

The Shaolin Temple, Buddhist kung-fu mecca, may be part of an IPO. Awesomest sellout ever?

The Way We Live Now: Traumatized. Have you heard? Unemployment is traumatic. Also traumatic, according to recession scientists: Shitty vacations, being arrested for your big casino robbery, and contemplating your boss' retirement package.

The Way We Live Now: Well-coiffed. Hey, Citigroup's resurrecting itself and Exxon is balling again even though all your investments are clearly "bubbles," but the point is: Here, have a free haircut. All better now?

The Way We Live Now: Munching on an affordable breakfast as our most valuable national institutions crumble. Culture? Broke. Harvard? Broke? Big stores? No more. Might as well shoot em up, shoot em up, shoot em up, bang.

You wouldn't know it by his calm, collected demeanor, but Gordon "You Donkey" Ramsay's restaurant empire is still facing significant financial troubles. We have a surefire plan to get you back on track, You Donkey!

The Way We Live Now: Old, broke, uneducated, and wishing we were in China. They have it good, over there. The Chinese. Arrrrgh.

The Way We Live Now: In prison. Although if we can hold on for a few more years of economic doom, the jail might crumble, from neglect! In the meantime: We stand in solidarity with our oppressed brethren, bankers.

The Way We Live Now: Doubling our money in six months, just you watch. House flipping is back! And not a moment too soon; pauper retirees have to raise money to pay for the subway fare hikes. Real Estate, huzzah!

The Way We Live Now: Getting our gumption back. Money? There's plenty of ways to make money. Money! Shoot. We're already back to building outlandish yachts. Pay me a respectable banker wage or I'm outta here!

The Way We Live Now: As close as can be to making a dollar! Unemployment has plummeted to the merest of double digits. Our scalping business is slow, and gambling's dead, but booze auctions are picking up. Promise!

The Way We Live Now: Not how a respectable attorney should, that's for sure. Things are so bad that students at Harvard Law School have to pay tuition now. Do you know how hard that is on a trend-farmer's wage?

Ho hum, Minnesota man convicted in $3.6 billion Ponzi scheme. No one notices any more.

The Way We Live Now: Caveman billionaire style. Here's the difference between a normal billionaire and a recession-era cavemen billionaire: All caveman billionaire needs is a nice woman, rich hockey teams, and a job at the W hotel.

The Way We Live Now: Passing strange. It's the only way to get a two decent poverty-level jobs, which you need to stay underemployed. We're still waiting to realize Martin's dream of a day when everyone is equally broke.