Whoa whoa, product placement spending—the money that ensures that your TV shows, movies, video games, and every other damn thing feature lots of real quality car and soda brands—actually fell last year. But there's good news, brand fans!

The Way We Live Now: Ah, fuck, what happened to the stock market?

Lenny Dykstra—the former baseball player famous for sliding headfirst, chewin' terbacky, and picking stocks for Jim Cramer's website—allegedly touted a stock in exchange for money. Might bankrupt former athletes not be the world's foremost financial experts?

The Way We Live Now: putting our faith in pure voodoo. We actually have no idea if these "regulations" and "cutbacks" and "painful reactions to a financial crisis" will actually "help" at all. But hey, see what sticks, right?

The Way We Live Now: expanding our horizons. This economy won't get better any time soon. It's time we start looking for new, horrific opportunities. Immigrant farmworker? Bedbug lawyer? Soda tax-er? It's all "on the table." (Table not included).

Back in the good old days (ten years ago), rich countries accounted for the majority of the world's GDP, as has been the good and proper economic custom since the times of Pontius Pilate. Not any more!

The Way We Live Now: Resurrecting ourselves through gambling. You can win big money gambling! It's the quickest fix! First, outlaw begging. Then move welfare recipients into casinos. Then, sell the casino to private equity. Everybody...wins!

The Way We Live Now: Tidying up the place, as best we can. I know it's not fancy, like you're used to, but it's something. Here, sit on this box. Pick anything from the food cart. Tar fish? Delicious.

Prosecutors are now going after the assets of two of Bernie Madoff's "back office" staffers, who oversaw the day-to-day operations of his scam. They handled office paperwork, and they're both multimillionaires? Guilty. Also—you guys seen $9 billion anywhere? [WSJ]

The Way We Live Now: Wrinkled. Our faces wrinkle from stress. Our money is wrinkled from our tight grasps. And our clothes are wrinkled, because the god damn Chinese are taking over the ironing board industry. Smooth-clothed bastards.

The Way We Live Now: Throwing everything against the crumbling wall to see what sticks. What sticks: cutting back every penny of spending. Then the wall falls down. Then we rob the bank the wall was attached to.

Bernie Madoff in prison is just as fascinating as Bernie Madoff on house arrest. What's he doing in there? If a prisoner snitching to a yellow tabloid can be trusted, he's blabbing about a secret multibillion-dollar stash! And being depressed.

The Way We Live Now: Scrutinizing one another. Verrrrryyy carefully. Where did you get that money, exactly? Why is your bed so expensive? And are you sure this job application is accurate? You know you don't have any "skills."

Please excuse the French for believing they lived in a free country and not some Russian gulag—obviously, they were mistaken. For the first time since France became civilized, its workers are expected to work until age 62.

The Way We Live Now: Cashing out. While we can. Take the dollars, or the pennies on the dollar, and be happy. Cut your losses. Follow Ralph Lauren's lead! Loot the museums! Call in sick! Run for the golden horizon!

Traditionally, U.S. states have fallen over each other to offer tax incentives to filmmakers who come and make glamorous "movies" in boring, non-glamorous states. Now, states aren't so sure. Does abundant cannibalism make you want to visit Michigan?

The Way We Live Now: Rejoicing, for we are saved. Untold riches have been deposited under our very feet by god Himself! Now if god can just fix up every other fucking thing that's shot to hell, we'll be...better.

"Math," one of the subjects Americans do not learn in high school, tells us that the value of a college degree is now negative. Nevertheless, kids are now rushing to pay more to attend colleges. Fake colleges.

The Way We Live Now: Relatively well! Better than North Koreans, at least. Sure, our debt may be "unsustainable," but we're eating at restaurants in moderately priced suits, which is more than those North Koreans can say for themselves.

The Way We Live Now: Deepening the divide between rich and poor, with cheap labor, wielding golden pickaxes. Don't steal those pickaxes. We counted them beforehand. When you're done widening that trench, holler. We'll be on the mega-yacht.