The Way We Live Now: Resurrecting ourselves through gambling. You can win big money gambling! It's the quickest fix! First, outlaw begging. Then move welfare recipients into casinos. Then, sell the casino to private equity. Everybody...wins!

Wailing and gnashing of teeth will get you no help, because Andrew Cuomo has outlawed those United Homeless Organization tables that usually sit all over NYC, collecting money for the "homeless," meaning the dude who runs the UHO. Sure, it was a scam, but it was a New Yorky kinda scam, so you have to be sad, as well as wrathful, if your schizophrenia is particularly bad.

So New York homeless persons, move to California immediately, the golden promised land where state-issued welfare cards can get you cash in casinos. Once you're in the door and flush, seek out the nearest Japanese slot machines, which are the ones used by the most fashionable degenerate gamblers. Feed in your welfare check, and, when that disappears, supplement it with proceeds from your prison tax credit scam. Sell the shirt off your back if necessary—be sure to subtract the new clothes tax.

Your last dime could be a winning dime! Though it's unlikely.

After every homeless person loses every cent they could squeeze from the system, California casinos will be fat, bloated engines of cash production. Just the type of thing that private equity firms could purchase, load up with debt, suck dry, and leave as a dessicated, hopeless bankrupt corpse. Hey, those PE guys have $500 billion. But none of it's for you.

[Pic via]