God, John McCain is just sick of running for president. Even in the cozy environs of Fox News Sunday, questioned by the friendly Chris Wallace, he's absolutely unable to justify to himself the various hideous missteps of his miserable campaign. That Sarah Palin pick? Well, he half-heartedly argues, it'll piss off the feminists. What a great reason to make her your successor, John. And then he offers, on the subject of Governor Palin's selection, the type of "joke" that is utterly serious: "as a cold political calculation, I could not be more pleased." Ugh.

We're going to help our friends at PRNewswire get the word out about a little "issue" they had today, so listen up: Anyone who distributed the HANDJOB.COM release today, please recall it. Again: PRNewswire would like your help in tracking down and eradicating that HANDJOB.COM release they sent out. (You can thank us later, guys.)

Hip Hop Weekly is an execrable, half-assed attempt at a hip hop version of Us Weekly. HHW was founded a couple of years ago by Dave Mays and Benzino, the guys who ran The Source into the ground through sheer selfishness before being forced out. Suffice it to say there's no reason to have a sympathetic view of the magazine's existence. Which makes this epic email fuckup on their part—reprinted below!—that much more enjoyable: HHW, we hear, has trouble paying its vendors, writers, and photographers. Or just doesn't want to. Either way, lots of people who have done work for the magazine are pissed at it. So it was pretty dumb for HHW to (mistakenly?) blast out an invitation to its 50th issue release party to a long list of contributors who hadn't been paid yet. Cue the responses!

Oh dear, it seems that the corporate leadership of a media agency has royally fucked up. Carat decided it had to lay off some workers. So the honchos carefully prepared secret internal talking points and strategy memos laying out exactly how they would break the news to the staff and clients, and deal with the media fallout. Then they accidentally emailed all that shit to their entire agency. Ha. Ha. Ha. The highlights are just so delicious: Lesson 1: Layoffs provide innovation, somehow. Message to clients:

Dr. Bernard Breslauer (pictured) had artist Lucian Freud paint a portrait of him years ago. Breslauer died in 2004. Freud finally decided to auction off the portrait-but when a friend went to retrieve it from Breslauer's New York apartment, they found that the dead man had destroyed it, because "Mr Breslauer, apparently, objected to the way Freud had painted his distinctive double chin." The price paid for a Freud portrait auctioned earlier this year: $33.6 million, the highest ever for a painting by a living artist. That would have paid for a lot of chin jobs. [Telegraph UK via Radar]

Fast food is essentially made up of low-quality byproducts of better food. Leftover cow parts, ground pig parts... you can use your imagination. So it's best for fast food companies to stick with happy clowns and assorted other mascots in their ads, staying as far as possible from any image that could make you consider what's actually in the food you're buying. And they should especially make sure they never draw any parallels between their product and human flesh. I mean, yuck. So tell us, McDonald's, what went wrong here?:

The Olympics, we're told, is a delicate dance of geopolitical maneuvering dressed up as an athletic contest. In reality, it's the world's largest assembly of dumb jocks. All of whom are now in a position to cause international incidents! Spain and China may have poisoned their diplomatic relationship because the entire Spanish national basketball team thought it would be cute to make an ad for some courier company posing with the "Slanty-eyed Asian" gesture: fingers pulling the eyelids to make them slits. I imagine they were all saying "Ah, soooo" at the time and laughing uproariously. The full photo is bad enough that someone should have realized it was mistake:

Sometimes we come across a PR item so ignorant, misguided, and inexplicable that we just have to shake our heads back and forth and sigh in a dramatic manner. We have one such item right here. If you ran a newspaper that had been terribly embarrassed for treating a racist publicity stunt as front page news just weeks ago-so embarrassed, in fact, that the editor responsible was quietly fired-would you not, in the future, do everything possible to distance yourself from the bad designer who fooled you with with the stunt? Metro NY decided: instead of that, why don't we just sponsor this guy's next fashion show? The press release for the upcoming L.E.S. Fashion Flipside show is below. As you can see, Metro is listed as one of only two sponsors for the show. And [bad designer], last seen trying to sell a copy of his poetry book "America, My Whore" to a reporter from Jewish Week, is listed as the first name under "boutiques." Urgh:

When the Asian American Journalists association announced that ABC's Nightline host Martin Bashir would be the keynote speaker at its July 25 Gala, the group's executive director said "We're excited to have Martin this year who is — so to speak —one of our own." It's true, because deep down the cancer-stricken Michael Jackson interviewer Bashir is just like you: A dude who wants to bone all of the women in his general vicinity, and is not afraid to go into detail about the causes of his erection on stage in front of a large crowd:

Well god damn. Banksy really is mysterious! A couple of weeks ago we showed you what was allegedly a 1999 photo of Banksy, the once-secret-but-now-maybe-not street artist. Before that, there had only been one known photo of the man in existence. But now...it looks like there's still only one known photo. Stupid Brits and their stupid names! Here's what happened: A tipster wrote in to point out that the new photo we found is probably not of Banksy, the artist; it's of Banxy, the break dancer. Well who the fuck can keep track, really? Banxy is a dancer and performer in the UK who once appeared in a dance TV show with Deborah Bull, the British ballet dancer who appears with "Banksy" in this photo:

Sick of the negativity rampant in the liberal mainstream media, the Cook County (IL) Board paid $25K to produce its own magazine-one that would ensure "regular, positive press." But the initial run of 5,000 copies (which has already been printed) will never be distributed, because the magazine had too many misspellings and grammatical errors. Your government at work, ladies and gentlemen. "I have to find a way to get rid of them," said the county's spokesperson. Build a fort? It probably won't be too much of a loss, considering:

When you're a big time Miami crime rapper who took your name from a legendary cocaine dealer, and somebody "accuses" you of once being a prison guard, why not just admit it? Then you could have a nice laugh about how far you've come. Instead, Rick Ross denied it, and got The Smoking Gun on his case, which just keeps on releasing more evidence of his C.O. career, and now people like us are providing links to his Certificate of Appreciation "in recognition of your service as a Perfect Attendance Employee assisting the Department of Corrections." Hustlin' baby. After the jump, the now-famous photo of the big coke don at his graduation ceremony as a corrections officer, which he tried to attribute to "online hackers" or something:

Perhaps you've heard the news that Nike has pulled its "That Ain't Right" balls-in-face ads after an outpouring of outrage sparked largely by this very website (though we weren't the first to address it). Are you proud of yourselves, commentariat? You are feared in all corners of corporate America. But the larger point here is that advertising is getting to be a very touchy business; companies are making fools of themselves nearly every week because of the crackheaded work of one of their ad agencies. After the jump, we look at five ads that had to be yanked recently, where they went wrong, and who came out ahead. Read and learn:

Recently, a famous person said things he shouldn't have said while not realizing that his microphone was turned on. We honestly can't believe people still do this! They've been doing it since the inventions of microphones though, basically. And since the invention of Interet Video, we can watch and rewatch these fuckups over and over again! Video guru Nick McGlynn put a couple of the more choice live-mic mistakes together into one great clip. Remember when Kyra Phillips bitched about her brother-in-law in the bathroom and somehow the audio interrupted a Bush speech? Remember when President Reagan rambled about nuking Russia? Remember when Jesse Jackson said he would tear Barack Obama's nuts off? Now you don't have to "remember" any of those things because they are all right here in this post.

For unclear reasons, the Times felt compelled to hand a huge chunk of its Sunday Business section over to a profile of Bonnie Fuller—the woman most responsible for creating our nation's soul-destroying cast of powerful celebrity magazines—who was recently axed from her multimillion-dollar gig as editorial chief of American Media. A sympathetic profile! The news peg, purportedly: Bonnie Fuller is doing some vague new project on the internet. For women! With specifics to be determined! Color us skeptical. The Fuller that the Times describes does not sound like the woman who was so despised by her assistants that they put snot in her food. What's the major malfunction here?

The fantastically transgressive teen sex ad yesterday from middlebrow retailer JC Penney turned out not to be sanctioned by the company, predictably. That was just too much to hope for. But the fun part now is watching the fallout-after all, can you fucking imagine how pissed the JC Penney people are right now? They are very pissed. They company sent us a statement disavowing the ad last night, and now the ad agency has just sent its own statement explaining how it had, uh, nothing to do with this salacious underage sex production. Now we're just waiting for the third party-who is likely getting screamed at very loudly right now-to take responsibility. Official statements from the two main players after the jump, and our prediction for the next one to come:

XXL Magazine, one of the biggest hip hop magazines in America, appears to have forgotten to pay its internet bills-the entire website is now just a landing page offering to "renew this domain." Uh, that's not good. [XXLMag.com]

When the movie Super Size Me came out, showing the ravaging effects of a monthlong fast food diet, it was terrible PR for McDonald's. The company spent tons of money combating the perceptions from that one overwrought documentary, seriously! And now, in what can only be described as a gift from the marketing gods, some fat guy has gone an all-McDonald's diet and actually lost 86 pounds (pictured: before and after). But the company won't sign him as a spokesman. You shallow fools! You think he's too ugly, DON'T YOU?

Frank Bruni is pissed! The New York Times' omnipotent restaurant critic (pictured) today reviews a new Tribeca restaurant named Ago, which is owned in part by actor Robert De Niro. And Bruni's experience there is proof for the entire restaurant business that no matter how popular, expensive, or exclusive your place is, it is still quite possible to receive a terrible review if you act like an idiot. Please: Learn some lessons from Ago's fiasco. Here is what not to do when your restaurant is being reviewed: