CNN is well known for needlessly incorporating quirky features into its coverage, most notably the Will.I.Am hologram from the 2008 election night.

We are all, by now, familiar with the mantra, "elections have consequences." This is especially true tonight. It also kind of doesn't apply whatsoever.

Minnesota's giant shrine to the gods of mass retail, the Mall of America, erupted into a 200-person melee last night. Thirty police stormed the premises, putting the entire mall on a temporary lockdown. The mallrats are rebelling!

Last week, in the wake of a hot-and-heavy extramarital affair with a male staffer and multiple reprimands from her own Republican party, Minnesota Senate Majority Leader Amy Koch apologized and resigned.

News anchor Annie Stensrud of KEYC-TV Mankato, Minn., had some trouble getting through her broadcast on Sunday. Like, could-barely-get-through-a-sentence, slurring-every-third-word trouble. I figured she was drunk, until someone reminded me that most Minnesotans talk funny and have difficulty forming simple thoughts, and that Stensrud's inner Lena was coming out. The most likely scenario, to be honest, is that she's both drunk and Minnesotan, which is a fairly common state of affairs in Minnesota. [via HuffPo]

A reporter from a CBS affiliate in Minnesota walks into a Chinatown butcher. No, this isn't the start of the joke, but what happened was unintentionally hilarious. The owner of the butcher shop isn't laughing, because he just had to fend off charges he was selling dog meat.

One of the major crises facing the U.S. right now is overwhelming consumer debt. How can Americans be expected to stimulate the economy when they're paying off their student loans, or their mortgages, or their... 20 to 30 pornographic DVDs?

For the past 12 years Rob Thompson—aka "Jazz Man"—has driven the Campus Connector bus, playing jazz CDs from a boombox and greeting people with "hey baby" and a smile. He's the most famous bus driver at the University of Minnesota, if not the entire state of Minnesota.

Patrick Graves, a 51-year-old father of three, committed suicide on Thursday, locking himself in his car and shooting himself once in the head in front of coworkers after learning he'd lost his job.

Attention pig farmers! Thieves who may or may not be operating in "well-organized rings" have been stealing hundreds of pigs owned by your Minnesota and Iowa brethren—most likely to sell as emotional-support animals the pork chops and hams of the future. Your porcine pals could be next!

Gay-hating presidential aspirant Michele Bachmann represents a district of Minnesota which public health officials have labeled a "suicide contagion area," according to a deeply disturbing piece in Mother Jones. Here's why: In the space of two years, nine teenagers from the area have taken their own lives—the most recent one in May—while "many more" have attempted suicide unsuccessfully. Most of them were known or perceived to be LGBT youth.

In a hard-hitting exposé of Michele Bachmann's high school cheer squad, the always politically relevant National Enquirer reveals that, if America were a cheerocracy, she would never be president:

Even though North Dakota's prone to disastrous floods and blizzards and maybe not even a real state, and even though a college degree is possibly worthless in today's jobless job market, lots of Ameri-teens are going to college in North Dakota anyhow. It's so cheap!

The ongoing Minnesota government shutdown is dragging the state into a new phase of No Fun Whatsoever, due to the shuttered state offices and programs that aren't handling day-to-day matters as usual. Do you Minnesotans like to drink beer or smoke cigarettes or not see poopy everywhere? Then for now, at least, you'll have to pack up your bindles and migrate down Iowa-way.

It's always nice to hear about politicians who respond to their constituents personally. Even if those responses are barely coherent expressions of resentment and ignorance!

Rep. Michele Bachmann (R - The Negative Zone) is officially running for president! (We should hope so, given that she's appearing in a presidential debate right now.) Is Bachmann crazy enough to win the nomination? We say yes... unless Bill Clinton kills her first.

Preparing to wire swimming pool in suburban Minnesota, an electrician passed the time playing with his cellphone. He was videotaping a construction crane placing the pool into the homeowner's backyard when the crane tipped over, crushing the house and causing the most impassioned swearing spree I have ever heard on YouTube. (Fast forward to 1:50 for abridged version.)

Minnesota Representative Steve Simon was testifying yesterday in opposition to a proposed amendment to the state constitution that would outlaw gay marriage. What he had to say was the most simple and genius argument against discriminating against gay people on religious grounds I've ever heard. "How many more gay people does God have to create before we ask ourselves if he wants them around?" he asked. There's so little to say to counter that—even for fundamentalist wingnuts. Nice work, Steve Simon! Watch the rest of his rousing yet rational speech and the round of applause his new slogan gets from the gallery.

Praise be the gods, our long national nightmare of peace and quiet is over. After firing Gilbert Gottfried from his job voicing Aflac's screaming spokes-duck, the insurance company has completed its national search for a less offensive replacement. The winner is a sales manager from Hugo, Minnesota (population: 13,000) named Daniel McKeague. Congratulations, Daniel. We can't wait to scramble for the mute button every time your bone-chilling squawk comes on TV.

You know The Guy Who Tries Too Hard? The guy who talks too loud about how hot his girlfriend is and how good at fighting he is? That Guy is running for president. His name is Tim Pawlenty.