The Way We Live Now: Fashionably. But only for the necessities. $775 shorts for the men. Online shopping sprees for the olds. The basics.

Today, writer of trend stories about quirky and often annoying men Spencer Morgan found He-Man chilling on a park bench and totally interviewed him:

Every time we post a photo of A.G. Sulzberger, heir to the New York Times throne, the ladies go wild. "Is he single?" they ask, lustily. We want to know too, but for professional reasons!

In unforeseeable news, a married millionaire heir to the Dupont fortune was repeatedly extorted for thousands of dollars by women he met on a site where old rich guys find hot young money-hungry girlfriends.

Classic appliance ads from the halcyon days when women were in the kitchen, dad was drunk in the den, and kids were really fucking creepy-looking: is there anything better?

Men who were problem-solving machines in finance have been laid off, and are now forced to do "family" activities. Silver lining: finally some dudes with real smarts to clean up these "PTA meetings" and shit!

Somali pirates are swaggering around shore like big gangsters, stealing women from the honest guys. Which is ironic, since the best idea yet to control the pirates is: make the women hit them with rocks.

Kate Spade's husband Andy—he's also David Spade's brother! Who cares? Well nobody really, if you want to be a dick about it, but it's good to know David Spade was a nerd from day one:

Victoria Floethe is tired of the moralizing prudes! The younger half of media beef-starter Michael Wolff's recently exposed affair is telling her side of the story: she's a free-living woman beset by Victorian gossiping hordes.

The Times Style piece on "orgasmic meditation" came out two weeks ago, so the NY Post stole the idea, and gave it to Justin Rocket Silverman, who wrote about fingering his girlfriend. All very standard.

Well I reckon if they found out that jerking off gives men cancer, then it's only fair that they also found out that drinking gives women cancer. Thanks science!

A tipster tells us billionaire Clinton pal Ron Burkle (and his model wrangler!) was "lurking around" Justin Timberlake's William Rast show at Fashion Week last night. Time for a listicle of creepy old ladies' men!

Will the wondrous advances of science never cease? Ladies and gentlemen, a new study has proven that foreplay is totally unnecessary. Just dive right in!

New York Judge James Peck—who oversaw the first part of the Bernie Madoff trial, and is handling the Lehman Bros. bankruptcy—smacked his wife "in self defense" last weekend. They were arguing about a ladder. [NYP]

"And with the women, especially the straight women, mind and genitals seemed scarcely to belong to the same person." Don't we know it! Here, we save you thousands of words of reading:

Are you aware that reading the pop sociology of Malcolm Gladwell will turn you into a Certified Player (of women)? It's true! Real live pickup artist "The Don" reveals Gladwell's seductive lessons:

A landmark actual new scientific study has discovered that, yes, Axe Body Spray can help you get laid. But opening your stupid mouth could render the sickly juvenile aphrodisiac worthless.

Hey, fey Park Slope stay-at-home dad who's taking care of the kids and cooking dinner because you've been freed from the yoke of oppressive gender roles: your wife wants to fuck a real man! A swarthy, hard-drinking, two-timing, emotionally distant sex hound who's not going to stop in the middle of things and think about whether he packed the kids' lunches properly. Sorry, Park Slope dad; your wife thinks you're a pussy. And you know who else thinks you're a pussy? The New York Observer. (Wow, that's bad!). They got in touch directly with your womenfolk, and they're all fantasizing about Don Draper, the heroic asshole star of Mad Men:

Ever since gay men's magazine Details launched, sharp-sighted observers—those with two eyeballs—have pointed out that it is, essentially, a gay magazine. We were writing about it five years ago! It's led to years and years of jokes about the magazine's gay contests and gay covers and gay vending machines. But now, at long last, we have actual proof that Details is, without a doubt, a solid member of the homosexual magazine cabal: One of our tipsters subscribes to different magazines under different names, in order to smoke out those that are selling his name to various marketers. He's a Details subscriber. And lo and behold, which other magazine just sent him a discount voucher? The Advocate—the oldest LGBT magazine in America: