You're not going to win the lottery — especially not the Mega Millions — but if you do you probably shouldn't leave the winning ticket lying around for two weeks as you obliviously continue on with your life. Steve Tran of Northern California did just that for 13 days.

You were never going to win the lottery. The odds were farcically low. But just in case you were keeping hope alive, we must now inform you: your odds have gotten much, much worse.

The first Massachusetts resident in over a year to win the Mega Millions jackpot had another reason to smile: His girlfriend had just broken up with him.

It turns out that Maryland's Mega Millions winner is not the wonderful Mirlande Wilson, who is likely still looking for her pants, nor is it a single person—it's a trio of school employees who went in on lottery tickets together. They're attempting to remain anonymous and will be known simply as the "Three Amigos," which roughly translates to, "We Are Fucking Loaded Now."

The Mega Millions winner in Maryland has come forward to receive his or her share of the record-breaking $656 million jackpot, but the person's identity will not be released. The Maryland ticket was one of three winners in the country.

"World's most famous McDonald's employee" Mirlande Wilson—who claims she has Maryland's winning Mega Millions ticket but hasn't decided whether or not she'll accept her winning yet—almost definitely didn't win the lottery. But, damn, she has totally won the lottery-centric news cycle. Check out the latest nonchalant multi-millionaire quotes she gave to The New York Post about her supposedly winning ticket:

Mirlande Wilson, the Maryland woman who has dubiously claimed to have a winning Mega Millions ticket, had a much-anticipated press conference today with her lawyer. Did she finally show the world her winning ticket, brandished atop a little gold pillow?

We all knew the Mega Millions frenzy would eventually turn into a depressing cauldron of sadness. A McDonald's worker in Baltimore, Maryland says she has the one winning ticket sold in her state, but her coworkers claim the ticket was bought as part of a lottery pool. Though she's probably just making the whole thing up.

After purchasing three Mega Millions tickets on Thursday night, Bill Isles was promptly struck in the head by a stray bolt of lightning. He is living proof that we should all avoid planes, sharks, and vending machines like the plague.

Sorry, New York: none of you won the $640 jackpot. However, 10 New York City tickets — and 7 more in the state — are second-place winners. That prize is $250,000, which is still a lot of money, even if it doesn't look very impressive next to the biggest lottery prize in history.

Winning Mega Millions tickets were purchased in Kansas, Illinois, and Maryland — if you live in one of those states, get excited. Then glance at the winning numbers and realize you were nowhere near that $540 million prize.

Did you win? Nah, none of us did.

The Mega Millions jackpot is half a billion dollars. A cool half-billion. You could use that money, eh? Buy your castle and everything. Have you bought your Mega Millions ticket yet? Well, don't.

For eight years, Edward Hairston diligently contributed to his lottery office pool—eight long, jackpot-free years. While he was on medical leave, his coworkers played the Mega Millions and won $99 million. Legal issue: Is some of that money rightfully Hairston's?

A Washington couple just claimed half of the $380 million Mega Millions jackpot. But there's another winning ticket out there! Did the person fall off a bridge while walking to claim their prize? That would be just our luck.

Looking for a way to prove how little you paid attention in math? The Mega Millions jackpot is now $355 million!