Yesterday we reported that the NYPD was booting the New York media out of One Police Plaza. Last night, commissioner Ray Kelly relented, telling papers they can have a filing center in the building.

It's time for newspaper and magazine companies to start reporting how they did in the first quarter of this wondrous year, 2009, when The Lord smote them for their sins. It was epically terrible.

Steven Brill launched American Lawyer magazine, Court TV, Brill's Content and those airport security fast-passes. Now he wants to help newspapers broker their online content. Clue: Smarter people already offer that.

A newspaper's most basic function, one could argue, is to keep tabs on crime. For decades, New York newspapers have done this out of the "police shack," but the NYPD is now kicking them out.

Updated After longtime Variety editor Peter Bart was eased out of power last week, the conventional wisdom was that major staff changes could be in store. And here they come, at the entire company. Layoffs!

A former advertising director at Body + Soul is accusing parent company Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia of firing her because she broke her spine and went on temporary disability. That's cold, even for Martha.

This memo just went out to Hachette employees, notifying them of company-wide pay cuts and an increase in hours.

In your hopeful Tuesday media column: Portfolio.com hires(!) people, NYT op-ed-speak translated, Philly papers make an offer you can refuse, and journalists in peril:

• Hachette is cutting salaries and asking staff to work overtime. Fun! [Gawker]
• Amazon is blaming an "embarrassing and ham-fisted cataloging error" for the dropping the sales rankings of thousands of gay and lesbian books. [AFP]
• Bravo has picked up four new shows, including one produced by Sarah Jessica Parker and another by Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. [THR, THR]
• NBC's Boston affiliate, WHDH, has backed down from its threat to skip Jay Leno's new 10pm show when it debuts this fall. [B&C]
• Marriott will no longer automatically provide guests with a free copy of USA Today or the Journal. You're gonna have to ask for it from now on. [E&P]

The US vs. Pirate war drums are beating. So what if the latest crop of pirates were ragged teenagers who died in qat withdrawal? The anti-piracy brigade of highly trained dolphins will destroy them!

These memos went out to Newspaper Guild members this afternoon. They want members to take a survey on the NYT's proposed pay cuts—but they left out the survey. As one tipster says, "Not confidence inspiring."

Just when you think it can't get any worse in Chicago media—that's right, it gets worse! Both major papers are already bankrupt. Now the Chicago Tribune is cutting another 20% of its newsroom. Ehhhhh.

Page Sixer Paula Froelich has a book coming out called Mercury in Retrograde ("chick lit"). The current cover, pictured, is rather serene. But the original cover, pictured below, was more DYNAMIC:

Liz Smith reports:

In your bone-chilling Monday media column: magazine prices going up, newspapers just giving up and letting you do it, Rahm Emanuel charms reporters, and big Hollywood tragedy!

• Amazon.com is in the hot seat for stripping gay and lesbian books of their sales rankings, something the bookseller is now calling a "glitch." [EW, WSJ]
• MSNBC is reportedly in the process of developing a weekend political show to be moderated by chief White House correspondent Chuck Todd. [NYO]
• More bad news for barely-living BlackBook: its longtime fashion director is out. And Jann Wenner's marketing chief is leaving Wenner Media. [WWD]
• Alpha Media has laid off a handful of employees at Maxim, including deputy editor Chris Wilson and editor-at-large Steve Garbarino. [NYO]
• Magazines are looking to raise subscription rates to save themselves. [NYT]

Now that the Somali Pirates have been decisively...killed, their fellow pirates are vowing to "retaliate." Oh geez. Hey guys, pirates—you're going about this the wrong way. Follow this friendly advice, before you're all destroyed:

The crew of the Maersk Alabama is confined by the FBI to their ship in Mombasa's harbor. But they gave a deckside press conference today, and accused the media of risking their lives.

The AP is currently suing (and being sued by) Shepard Fairey over his famous 'Obama' image, stolen from the AP. Here's the front page of the AP photo site on Friday. Ha. SUBTLETY.

In your finally Friday media column: the New York Times "eats crow" (funny joke LOL), the Newseum wins, ASME loses, and police charge Fox with being annoying:

The Daily Beast, Tina Brown's online journalism venture, has decided to sully itself by accepting money from a company in exchange for displaying various sales pitches for said company on its pages. Is nothing sacred?