'The Pirates Could Only Lament Their Littleness Before the Vast Number of Dolphins'

7.23K

Hamilton Nolan

04/14/09 08:59AM

Filed to: Pirate War

The US vs. Pirate war drums are beating. So what if the latest crop of pirates were ragged teenagers who died in qat withdrawal? The anti-piracy brigade of highly trained dolphins will destroy them!

We must start out with the most important development of all: dolphins have joined humanity in the fight against piracy:

Thousands of dolphins blocked the suspected Somali pirate ships when they were trying to attack Chinese merchant ships passing the Gulf of Aden, the China Radio International reported on Monday.
The Chinese merchant ships escorted by a China's fleet sailed on the Gulf of Aden when they met some suspected pirate ships. Thousands of dolphins suddenly leaped out of water between pirates and merchants when the pirate ships headed for the China's.
The suspected pirates ships stopped and then turned away. The pirates could only lament their littleness before the vast number of dolphins. The spectacular scene continued for a while.

It's about time these marine mammals got off the sidelines! In somewhat more depressing news: the three pirates killed by HERO NAVY SEAL SNIPERS who fired the three most accurate shots in the history of war (SPECIAL SECTION: Navy SEAL Snipers and How Accurate Their Three Shots Were, P. 14-32) turned out to be teenagers. They were all from 17-19 years old. Jesus Christ. Also they were all grumpy and irritable like you, when you're out of cigarettes:

As they bobbed in the ocean near the USS Bainbridge, a Navy destroyer sent to rescue Phillips, the teenage pirates were experiencing withdrawal after days without khat, a mildly narcotic leaf chewed in for its stimulant effects. "They were realizing they were in a no-win situation," said a senior U.S. military official. "They were floating around in rough waters, they were tired. . . . These guys didn't have their chew with them."

Even people going in front of a firing squad usually get a last cigarette. That's just sad. In the meantime, three more ships were attacked by pirates. And since Somali Pirates are a monolithic group in constant communication with one another this means they are PROVOKING America, time for war war war war war. War on Piracy. We can model it on the War on Terror. It'll be a weary nation's great ego-booster!

The following replies are approved. To see additional replies that are pending approval, click Show Pending. Warning: These may contain graphic material.

Tyrant Biggles Hamilton Nolan 04/15/09 01:14AM

Mister President! WE MUST NOT ALLOW A DOLPHIN GAP!

econdave Hamilton Nolan 04/14/09 09:45AM

So long and thanks for all the fish.

Stream Of Consciousness econdave 04/14/09 08:07PM

@econdave: Ha! I love "Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy"!

Jane, you ignorant slut. Hamilton Nolan 04/14/09 09:06AM

It's sad that they were teens. On the other hand, we as a country have deemed 17 to be the age at which one can enlist in the military, and 18 as the minimum age to be sent off to a combat zone. Plenty of 18 year-olds have died in Afghanistan and Iraq. As a globe, we seem to have set 18 as the standard at which someone can make an informed decision to participate in combat. If you're 18 and have a hostage at gunpoint, I'd say it's fair to assume you could be held accountable for your actions, which includes the possibility of a violent hostage rescue.

RappingTomato Jane, you ignorant slut. 04/14/09 09:12AM

@Adah: Well said.

cazylunt Jane, you ignorant slut. 04/14/09 09:59AM

@Adah: I will stand for this rational, informed thought process you are putting on display.

And you are making the rest of us look stupid.

cazylunt cazylunt 04/14/09 10:00AM

@rudolphdude: or will not stand, fuck I hate not having preview.

freedc Jane, you ignorant slut. 04/14/09 10:06AM

@Adah: Except our system when it comes to age and crime is a fucking joke. We often hold 13 year-olds to a higher standard than adults, they sometimes pull longer sentences than actual adults being charged with the same crime in the same jurisdiction. So where 18 should be a good starting-off point (I'd personally like to see 22 as the age of full responsibility), we don't actually follow that. We lock up kids for stupid shit but let law-breaking prosecutors go free.

Also, I'm going to go ahead and take into account that these 17-year-old impoverished pirate children have circumstances none of us understand and their reality is so different that their age is the least of the reasons why this is sad all around to me.

somedayarealrainwillcome Hamilton Nolan 04/14/09 09:17AM

Hmm, maybe the fact that they are teens says something, like all the nonsense stories of them being fishermen who had lost their livelihood are bs, and that, in fact, they are drugged up teenagers with guns, no different from your average khatted up thug in East Africa. I seem to have misplaced my undeserved sympathy card somewhere.

Motoko Kusanagi somedayarealrainwillcome 04/14/09 09:23AM

@somedayarealrainwillcome: You're forgetting that it's your fault that the pirates died. Please try to remember from now on...

Kari's Favorite Mark somedayarealrainwillcome 04/14/09 09:27AM

@somedayarealrainwillcome: Just remember, some day a real rain will come.

propertius somedayarealrainwillcome 04/14/09 10:10AM

@somedayarealrainwillcome: Actually they sound no different from many of the oaths around here.

hypocriteoath propertius 04/14/09 11:12AM

@propertius: I know you're not talking about me! Did you mean Utes? like Youths?