This is a good tweet by Ted Cruz’s shady-ass college roommate, but it does have a notable drawback.

A man accused of masturbating near a woman in a Manhattan subway station Monday night, then pulling a gun on man who tried to catch him on video, has been arrested and identified as a retired NYPD cop.

The NYPD is looking for a man accused of masturbating in a subway station, then pulling a gun when someone tried to catch him on video.

A video-calling service for the deaf is suing a Brooklyn man for abusing the company’s software, the New York Post reports. David Marcano allegedly made 4,646 calls using the Florida-based service, ZVRS, solely for the purpose of masturbating in front of its employees.

A Lexington, Ky., Pizza Hut employee has reportedly been fired after a teenage customer snapped a photo of him with his hand down his pants. The photo got a lot of attention on Facebook and Reddit, and the teen girl’s mom has alleged that our erstwhile pizza boy was “playing with himself.”

The NYPD is seeking a man who allegedly “masturbated to completion” on an uptown A train Friday morning while covering his lap with a black baseball cap. Not covering it well enough, apparently, because the woman who reported him says she distinctly saw his penis. She also sent Gothamist this video of the man apparently pleasuring himself on a packed train:

In Portland lives a man who jerks off in a port-a-potty, with the door open, regularly. This morning, a group of homeless people who live near the toilet decided they’d had enough and pushed the port-a-potty over, covering the masturbating exhibitionist with shit.

Macon, Ga., police are seeking a former Waffle House employee caught on camera masturbating to completion in one of the restaurant’s booths on Monday during a slow lunch hour.

The Czech model whose vagina is the basis for the popular Fleshlight sex toy paid a visit to a factory in Seville, Spain, to observe the process of turning part of her body into a mass-produced plastic tube that men around the world use to masturbate.

An unidentified 21-year-old burglar is in critical condition at a hospital Bensalem, Penn. after allegedly breaking into a woman's apartment and masturbating on her balcony. He was shot twice while reportedly trying to rob another apartment.

South Dakota has pulled, yanked, and/or tugged a public safety campaign warning drivers about the dangers of "jerking"while they're on the road, largely because of the behind-the-scenes machinations of the state's powerful pro-jerking lobby. Kidding! It was because some residents objected to the use of double entendre, which is more of a fancy North Dakota thing.

Anthony Smith, 21, was arrested by Martin County, Fla. police last month after sheriff's deputies found him outside his home, naked and masturbating. He was just listening to his mother, apparently: Smith told police that she doesn't allow him to watch porn inside.

A plane full of people headed to LA got a free trip to Nebraska thanks to a passenger who wouldn't stop masturbating on a Virgin America flight, forcing the plane to make an emergency landing.

Sony posted this ad on its YouTube channel Friday, but quickly pulled it after it met with criticism online. And speaking of quickly pulling it, the "Doctor" spot features a sexy, female M.D. unsubtly comparing playing PlayStation 4 games on your Vita to jerkin' it all over town.

You sick fucks.

So there's this video going around today of what appears to be of one fair-skinned 7-Eleven employee at work. One second, he's sitting in a chair, just kicking back. The next, his dick is out and he's masturbating. He's hard at work, etc.

The photo above shows a pair of underwear wedged between a man's asscheeks. But for one magical night, dozens of enthusiastic masturbators believed they were looking at a woman's alluring cleavage.

A women's soccer coach at a Connecticut high school sent a 10-second Snapchat masturbation video to some of his players, state troopers told the Hartford Courant. The man says the jerk-off vid was intended for his girlfriend, but he inadvertently sent it to the high schoolers instead.

Yesterday, we brought you the story of Sean Johnson, a 19-year-old Floridian who was caught taking a stuffed horse off of a shelf at Walmart, masturbating with it in the bedding department, then returning it, covered in semen, to the shelf. Today, police released a photo of his equine paramour.