As the psychics at Page Six predicted yesterday, Martha Stewart spent her 64th birthday getting smacked with another three weeks in home confinement. Having spent the past five months serving out the remainder of her sentence from the dungeons of her Bedford, N.Y., uber-farm, Stewart became inexplicably naughty and attended an illicit yoga class in Bedford Hills, then furtively stopped by a neighboring bookstore. When the Post published a picture of Martha driving a cart to engage in these questionable activities, federal probation officials saw cause for additional punishment — sadly, she would have otherwise been free as of next Wednesday.

• Writers' group takes away Conscience in Media award from Judy Miller. "Independent writers are a prickly bunch," says group's prez. [E&P]
• ABC News gets kicked out of Russia. Now they know how our great-grandparents felt. [NYT]
• More management changes at Inc. and Fast Company. Thus even further undermining the idea that these are folks from whom to take advice on managing your business. [Folio:]
• For those who thought the Martha Stewart brand wasn't sufficiently a cult of personality, now comes word that she wants to fill the audience of her first syndicated TV show entirely with people named Martha Stewart. [AP via CST]
• Stuff magazine starts the slow death of the letters-page. "Let's face it," EIC Jimmy Jellinek tells Jolly Green Jeff Bercovici. "The only people who write letters to magazines are prisoners and Canadians." [WWD]
• Nightline doesn't hate its new exec producer. Yet. [NYO]

Just in time for her 64th birthday today, post-incarceration domestication machine Martha Stewart is looking at more time under house arrest. Stewart — whose stint in the slammer has been rewarded with two upcoming television shows — is allegedly facing punishment because of a Post report that Stewart had violated the terms of her house arrest by taking yoga classes in town with her daughter Alexis.

• Contrary to whatever you may read in the forthcoming 65-pound fall issue of Vogue, tapered pants are not hot this fall, especially when worn with an ankle bracelet. [A Socialite's Life]
• Classy perv outlet Nerve is looking for an editor. Benefits include lots of greasy-but-intellectual dildos. [Mediabistro]
• When the MTA does away with subway booth attendants, who loses? Why, the little old lady who doesn't know how to work the machine, that's who. [RedNova]
• At the risk of being prosecuted for insider trading, here's a hot tip: If you see a bum shitting on the IBM building, sell now. [Craigslist]
• Like it or not, Katie Couric may someday leave the Today show. Yes — it's true! [AHN]

Poor Martha Stewart: As if it weren't bad enough that she served hard time, has been under house arrest on her suburban farm, and is currently being subjected to her own Apprentice spin-off, now the city of Bedford apparently hates her, too.

• Michael Kinsley likely to stop running Los Angeles Times editorial page. Displaying his legendarily razor-sharp analytic skills, Kinsley says: "This living in Seattle and editing the editorial page is not an ideal arrangement." [NYT]
• TV Guide to slash rate base, pull back on listings, increase lifestyle and entertainment coverage — that is to say, to become like every other magazine. [AP via Newsday]
• In terms of prison fabulosity, Judy Miller's no Martha Stewart. [Newsday]
• Two Source execs charged with attempted murder. Oy. [Vibe]

· Israeli Foreign Minister Shimon Peres, 79, was spotted dancing at Bungalow 8. "He was shaking it," said one onlooker. An Israeli consulate rep confirmed Peres was there, but said, "I can't verify whether [Peres] was shaking it or not." [Page Six]
· Cher, on severing her relationship with Michael Jackson: "I don't have a nice thing to say about him. He and I were friends when he was little. I watched him grow up and all that, but, you know, you dangle a baby over a balcony, that's it for me." [Page Six]
· Page Six alleges that esteemed thespian Colin Farrell was at Scores on Saturday. Colin would never...WHO IS SPREADING THESE VICIOUS RUMORS?! [Page Six]
· Anyone wishing to audition for another version of "The Bachelorette" in which "American Idol" judge Simon Cowell will help the "bachelorette" pick the winner, should email the casting agents at Billywonka@aol.com. They say the only want "Caucasian women" ages 26-32. [Page Six]
· Actor Alan Cumming, describing the difference between British and American humor "whilst illegally lighting up": "Yes, we're [puff] more [puff] vulgar. But [puff puff puff puff puff] I like that...and I'd better finish now before they [puffffffffffff] arrest me." [Cindy Adams]
· Martha Stewart, who has made a business out of every holiday, once told her viewers on April 1 that she planned to "send my tax returns to the calligrapher." Stewart also said she had to buy a new car because she couldn't change the clock for daylight savings. Shocked fans called immediately and offered to help her with her settings. [NY Daily News]

· Ex-90210 star Shannen Doherty is feuding with Paris Hilton over her soon-to-be ex-husband, Rick Solomon. Paris has been leaving threatening messages on Shannen's answering machine, and Shannen is thinking of filing a restraining order. [Page Six]
· Director Mike Nichols tells Webster Hall curator Baird Jones that he was suffering from Halcion-induced psychosis for six months and believed that he was going broke. [Ed. noteAt what point do we start overtly referring to Baird Jones as a gossip columnist?] [Page Six]
· A day in the life of Martha Stewart: "Today I watched a History Channel special on Ronald Reagan while I was creating sewing kits for my three houses." [Page Six]
· The Carlyle is postponing the opening of their new restaurant, Dumonet, "due to the current political climate." [Page Six]
· Bill Clinton spotted shaking hands and working the room at Bruno Jamais' exclusive Upper East Side eatery. [NY Daily News]

The debate about Why People Hate Martha Stewart continues in the Washington Post and a consultant even suggests that her image would benefit from going on Saturday Night Live to make fun of herself. The Post suggests that it's a generic case of schadenfraudeMartha has effectively glue-gunned an unattainable image of perfection to herself with the usual infuriating precision, and people want to see it all fall apart. But as usual, most of us are too busy growing our own gourds from seed, adorning our children's Easter bonnets with freshly cut pansies, and weaving bread baskets from dish towels to get too worked up about it.
Martha, in the soup [WaPo via Romenesko]

What if Martha had actually killed her broker, before he ratted out on her? That was the premise of last night's Law & Order. B*TCH is astonishingly lightly veiled extrapolation of Martha Stewart's fall from grace, complete with hard-as-nails female tycoon, fictitious stop-loss orders, SEC investigations, and a good-looking broker-walker. The makers should have at least thrown in an improbable twist — a lesbian affair with the publicist, for instance — to maintain the semblance of fiction.
B*TCH [Law & Order]

Douglas Faneuilthe stockbroker's assistant who ratted on Martha Stewarthas a Friendster page. His interests: "gay booty." Friendster, by the way, is some sooper-dooper West Coast networked dating thingamajig. I'm four degrees of separation away from Douglas, according to Friendster. Which is a relief. Any closer and I might share Martha's fate.
You

DOJ officials believe they have "a solid criminal case" against Martha Stewart. According to a WNBC poll, 49% of women and 66% of men believe Stewart did something illegal.
DOJ has enough evidence to arrrest Stewart [WNBC]

Responding to Jeffrey Toobin's compliments on her silver chopsticks: "You know, in China they say, 'The thinner the chopsticks, the higher the social status.' Of course, I got the thinnest I could find." After a pause, she added, "That's why people hate me."
Lunch at Martha's [New Yorker]

· NY Magazine columnist Mark Malkin accused of manipulating Guatemalan presidential politics by reporting that Guatemalan President, Alfonso Portillo Cabrera, was competing against Enrique Iglesias for a $30,000 Vacheron Constantin watch. [Page Six]
· The World's Most Decadent Hamburger ($41), made from cows that are beer-fed and hand-massaged, comes to New York. [Page Six]
· Gwyneth's advice to J-Lo: "marriage should not be taken lightly." [Page Six]
· A "Sopranos" movie may be in the works. [Page Six]
· Giuliani is the keynote for the 2004 Republican convention. [Cindy Adams]
· Liz Smith discovers WhoRepresents.com. [Liz Smith]
· Martha Stewart voted "Most Annoying Person of 2002." [Celeb News]
· "Gigli" sucks. [Celeb News]
· James Woods slams Hillary; Andre Balazs spends New Year's Eve hallucinating after being attacked by a scorpion; Davis on Diller: "Those fags sure have funny ways of having fun"; and Balkan pianist Marina Arsenijevic makes her Carnegie Hall debut tomorrow. [NY Daily News]

· George Clooney says paying him $20 million to do a film is "dumb." (No argument there.) [Page Six]
· Patrons of Jimmy's Uptown chant "Free Martha!" when Stewart walks in. [Page Six]
· Clinton tells Democrats to be nice to Gore. [Page Six]
· Miramax needs Gangs of New York to gross $200 million before greenlighting Howard Hughes movie. [Cindy Adams]
· Dr. Robert Atkins insists that heart attack wasn't the result of his diet. [Liz Smith]
· Spike Lee plans to co-produce a movie with infamous night club owner Peter Gatienabout Peter Gatien; Rupert and Lachlan Murdoch take the subway in support of successful transit strike negotiations; and Court TV CEO offers to help Dominick Dunne fight Gary Condit's lawsuit. [NY Daily News]