If you're looking to get wasted on national television, look no further than cocktail expert Martha Stewart. On last night's Conan, sweet-as-sugar Stewart instructed Conan on how to mix his own cocktails as a nod to O'Brien's Irish heritage. Though the very highbrow (and very femme) clover-adorned fruity drinks looked just scrumptious, Conan preferred chugging some gold old-fashioned Guinness instead. While it takes more than a few beers to eradicate all of that loveable trademark nervous energy that he brings to the Late Night set five nights a week, Martha tried her best to get Conan tipsy.

[Martha Stewart holding enormous scissors at Macy's yesterday; image via Bauer-Griffin]

The celebrity foodies among you will be pleased and scared to know that homebot Martha Stewart is "poised for multi-platform expansion opportunities" now that she has acquired Emeril Lagasse's New Orleans-based food empire for a cool $50 million. BAM!, we say predictably. The only losers in the deal? Those Penn students who were complaining a few weeks ago about a false rumor that the entertaining multimillionaire Emeril would be their commencement speaker this year. Instead, they got stuck with boring multibillionaire Mike Bloomberg. Enjoy the following clip involving Emeril and bologna, back before he totally sold out:

"Come see the pussy willows in and around my home!" encourages Martha Stewart in her new blog entry, which we suspect is an elaborate joke by highly paid consultants to circumvent any mocking of Martha by making her own content patently ridiculous on its own, and seeding it with such obvious joke opportunities that to point them out would just make you look like a bully. "Jodi was diligently keeping a watchful eye on my pussy willow shrubs, waiting for the catkins to be open just so," adds fake Martha. Yes, of course. Well-played. It's like trying to think of sarcastic comments about an Edward Gorey book; impossible, because the grotesquerie is already in there. Can you look at the following three totally unedited captions and photos from the Martha blog and conclude anything else?

· Enjoy Blue Reed, Abigail Breslin's cat, while you can. We have a feeling he's going to go mysteriously missing very soon, the only clue to his whereabouts a note in what seems to be Dakota Fanning's handwriting reading, "Stop!"
· Rainn Wilson's ass to steal the show at the Spirit Awards.
·Scarlett Johansson does Tom Waits.
· It was all but inevitable: Ice Road Truckers is going to be adapted into a feature, probably to star The Rock as the slip-sliding-big-rig-drivingest badass the Canadian tundra has ever seen

Greg Lindsay, the former Women's Wear Daily gossip columnist, was dragged by his wife onto Martha to talk to the homemaking maven about their wedding preparations. (He discovered a fabulous naval dockyard in Bermuda in which the wedding party took shelter from the storm.) A savvy media operator, Lindsay knew he'd come to regret the appearance, and he has. The clip, shown here, gave publicist Reggie Cameron an opportunity to mock the neatnik newlywed: "Greg is married. That never stops being funny to me." Greg responded in the comments, but that wasn't the end of it. As the following email exchange shows, scratch any relationship between media and public relations and you'll discover this: barely concealed mutual contempt.

Party planning, magazine editing and TV appearances blur into eachother for Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia, the homemaking maven's media conglomerate. Writing in 2002, media reporter Greg Lindsay was impressed by Stewart's multiplicity of talents: "Soccer moms and magazine execs alike revere homemaking doyenne Martha Stewart for her WASPy Zen approach to decorating, entertaining and blazing the celebrity editor trail." Greg, and his new wife have learned well from the mistress of synergy. Their wedding in Bermuda last year was nearly rained off, but they turned near-disaster into a joyful celebration, and a television appearance on Martha. Here, after the jump, is the clip of plain Greg and Sophie being interviewed by the homemaking queen: Greg explains how he found a "fabulous" naval dockyard in Bermuda to host the wedding after a storm forecast disrupted plans for an open-air ceremony, sounding like any other touch-fey husband. Incidentally, Sophie is Sophie Donelson, who was a senior editor at Blueprint, a Martha Stewart title, before it folded two months ago. The moral of this story? There are no real people in Manhattan: only media people playing real people for other media people who play real people.

Stewart is the founder of an eponymous media empire that includes magazines, TV shows, books, and serving spoons. And in case you were living under a rock in 2004, she also happens to be a convicted felon.

If you work for Martha Stewart, you probably already entered "The Big Idea," a company-wide contest "that gives staff the opportunity to share their own ideas for the future of Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia." Already proposed: a "special publication about collecting." You can help decide who wins. The world of Martha Stewart is not very democratic, as you can "vote as many times as you'd like over the next week." What kind of ideas—just how big are we talking here?

Why the Today Show waited so long to combine massive martinis, Meredith Vieira and Martha Stewart into a segment is beyond us. After watching two of the most regal small screen dames tip back an early morning stiff one, we're ready to hand the producers a Daytime Emmy. The festivities began with Martha calmly asking Meredith if she'd prefer gin or vodka in her martini (no Cosmos for these boozehounds), Meredith got all flustered and said, "Uhhhh, whatever you recommend?!" Martha's suggestion? "I like vodka!"

Predating the rest of the tabloid-come-latelys by many decades has given rack-based supermarket literature giant National Enquirer the clear advantage in the art of front-page editing: Whereas a lesser publication might have focused their special yo-yoing celebrity physique issue on one or two studies, perhaps cheapening the proceedings with a disparaging reference to "Jennifer Love Saddlebags," the Enquirer instead gives us a breathtaking mosaic comprised of famous-fatso body parts, accompanied by captions that make clever use of familiar references—"From 'Batman' to Fatman!" and "20 more pounds - Not a good thing!" standing out in particular.

On her Christmas show, Martha Stewart produced the ceramic Nativity Scene she crafted while she was in prison. The other inmates had to pick just one figure a month to fire 'n' glaze—but MarStew did the whole thing in her five month on the inside. It's cute at the end, she asks her mother in the audience if she likes it and you can tell Martha Sr. is just thinking, "Bitch, are you really asking me if I'm proud of the damned brown clay figures you made while you were in jail?" But actually? They're pretty impressive!

Can we safely confide in you that the one person we've been able to rely upon this holiday season, there to comfort us daily with homemade butterscotch eggnog recipes and the proper shade of Krylon with which to gild our manteltop wreaths, is our rock, Martha Stewart?

· Hold on a second...did Martha Stewart just say that it's "too bad" that Trump Steaks aren't actually made from her old Apprentice boss's freshly slaughtered flesh? We think she did! She'll be dead by morning.
· Jamie Lynn Spears probably made herself pregnant by laughing at Knocked Up.
· "Occasionally cradling the doll-baby Jesus, Lohan was asked to compare holding the savior of Christianity with cradling Lindsay when she was born 21 years ago."
· Hey, Christmas unicorn.

"The world has changed," Martha Stewart reports. Younger people, she explains, access information via blogs and the Internet. And also "even through their cell phones." What's it mean for America's homemaker? The end of her latest tree-killer product, Blueprint magazine.

Bid adieu to Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia's Blueprint magazine, according to a memo just sent and to Fishbowlny. Apparently no one read the thing. Not surprising, considering its title, which always invoked to us an awkward how-to-be-fulfilled guide for the 25-45 architect set, rather than the "fresh, fun guide to personal style" it purportedly was. A memo sent to employees this morning says the last standalone issue will be next year's "January/February" issue. "There will be a reduction in staff associated with not publishing Blueprint as a full-frequency magazine, but we expect to re-assign a core team of employees to existing businesses and new projects at MSLO." Lucky ducks! "We believe Blueprint will be more sustainable if leveraged as part of the established Martha Stewart Weddings franchise. Both appeal to women at a similar life stage and we believe this strategy will allow us to better take advantage of the synergistic relationship between the two publications." Synergistic! Leveraged! Sustainable! Franchise! Ah, the empty marketing buzzwords used to confuse the recipients of bad news.

As Page Six noted this week, the 36th-floor midtown lobby of Sirius Radio had a disastrous Christmas tree—until Martha Stewart came in herself and fixed it all up. And here it is!

· In yet another one of those uncomfortable Martha Stewart Show moments that keep us coming back over and over again, the host describes her mother's recent stroke in such alarming detail that we now know not only the name of the hospital in which she's recovering, but the exact floor her room is on.
· Borat's book-signing featured filthy children, vanilla faces, and, of course, the requisite dude in a neon nut-sling.
· Grey's Anatomy McPicketing! How did we miss that opportunity yesterday? Maybe we were distracted by the weiners.
· J. Lo knocked up, officially. We know her refusal to disclose the contents of her uterus had really been eating at you.

You know who wasn't going to stay home on the couch this Halloween, posting Flickr photos of herself gobbling fun-size Snickers bars by the handful while watching her old The View couchmates delight the daytime-TV-craving masses with their sassy flapperwear? Rosie O'Donnell, that's who! Trussed up in the most luxurious Elizabethan finery The Martha Stewart Show's wardrobe budget would allow, O'Donnell dropped by to liven up her old friend's oppressively dour chatfest with her signature brand of merrymaking; even the normally mirthless Stewart had to crack a smile when Rosie insisted on communicating only in the piercing upper register of a British monarch so constipated by queenly propriety that she hadn't moved her royal bowels for the entirety of her reign.

When we were discussing what celebrities blog about, we somehow neglected Martha Stewart, and this is why we shouldn't have: "This most unusual perennial, Gomphocarpus physocarpus, is called the balloon plant. I like to call it hairy balls. A species of milkweed, it is often used as an ornamental plant and is striking in cut arrangements." [The Martha Blog]