What would you do for some free cell phone porn? Stand on one foot? Lick the pavement? Ha, Playboy is willing to work with you on this! Now, what would you do if it wasn't exactly porn, but a reality show webisode thing? You'd participate in a convoluted cell phone-based marketing scheme, wouldn't you. There's babes involved!
Sites like Myspace and Facebook, which are technically called "social networking" sites but are better known as "Lisa is...OMG are you watching The Hills right now? Craziness" ego-projection mechanisms for creating alternate realities, are suffering just like everyone else during this recession. Not traffic-wise; humans' desire to keep the outside world appraised of their moment-to-moment "status" only continues to increase. But money-wise, things are not looking quite so wildly engrossing:
Corporate "futurist" and salvia-smoking internet surfer Faith Popcorn is back—from the future! And she's brought predictions, for the benefit of the world. Would you like to know what the magical year 2009 will hold, according to a lady who has somehow convinced companies to pay money to her totally made-up "trend consultancy" for an astounding period of time? Behold the "New Rules of Engagement" for 2009, year of wonder:
The family of Jdimytai Damour, the Wal-Mart worker who was trampled to death at a Long Island store by a Black Friday mob hungry for discounts at any cost, has filed a lawsuit holding the company responsible for his death. And they're not just blaming the store's lack of security that morning; they're blaming Wal-Mart's ad campaign for turning sedate Long Islanders into a callous capitalist stampede of death:
Fancy business school degrees—who has time for them? Instead of an MBA, wouldn't you rather have some sort of laser-printed homemade certificate stating that you spent six months hanging out with a dude who writes books about "Purple Cows" and "Small is the New Big" and "Meatball Sundae" and other made-up marketing terms? Well Seth Godin's game-changing new "Alternative MBA" is just the program for you! "This sounds as good as summer camp, MBA school, and a spot on 'The Apprentice' mixed together," says one of Seth's enthusiastic minions. Yea, that sounds about right!
There are so many ad messages out there that in order to break through and stick in your mind, sometimes companies have to use a little old tactic that experts like to call "Reverse Psychology." It's an advanced technique, and you might not know it when you see it—but you'll be able to tell when you find that you've unwittingly played right into the marketer's hands! That's why you should be very careful to watch out for some sneakiness in this ad for a new religious TV network. There's Satan, urging you not to watch the new channel. Is he giving an accurate assessment, or is there some underlying message here that's not being said? See if you can pick up on the psychological subtleties of these clever, Jesus-based media masterminds:
Hey Michael Phelps, America is transfixed by your endorsement deals for some reason! The golden fishboy should, by all rights, have fallen out of the spotlight by now. It's been what, like, four months since he won any Olympic medals? Old news. But by god people just love this goofy ass-grasper, so we and the rest of the media will continue to tell you exactly what he is formally recommending for public consumption. Today, the story of how one tiny company swindled the unsophisticated manchild into ongoing indentured servitude:
In what is sure to be the most consequential piece of legal maneuvering since 50 Cent sued Taco Bell last week, idiot Guns n' Roses frontman Axl Rose had his attorney fire off a scathing letter to the Dr. Pepper corporation regarding the company's recent GnR-related marketing mishaps. It promises to be quite a dustup—rock and roll style!!1! Take, heed, soft drink companies: here's what happens when you try to give out a free soda to everyone in America:
Ads: they're everywhere! How many times must we repeat that pithy, insightful line? But it's true! Ads are on set-top box menus and the outsides of subway cars and inside your computer and strapped onto girls who are following you around. And every month or so ads appear in some new place and we think, "This, I fear, is the absolute pinnacle of psycho ad creep into every inappropriate nook of our lives." Well that was before teachers started selling advertising on their tests:
Men: is your hair clean enough to get you laid? While you've been working out to get ripped abs, has your unstyled, sweat-soaked hair been holding you back from sexing the women of your dreams? No, obviously not. Your lack of money has been holding you back. But Axe, maker of horrifying adolescent body spray and even more horrifying publicity stunts, is going to convince you otherwise! Because that's what Axe does: steadily erode any semblance of dignity the American male may possess. In the grand emasculating tradition of fancy men's underwear, get ready for Axe male hair care products—the new thing that you must have in order to get chicks, bro!
Did you happen to catch Barack Obama's weekly camboy YouTube this Thanksgiving? Earnest and adorable as ever, the Office of the President Elect was unsubtle in its marketing; the word "new" appeared seven times in its 600-word speech on the economy, including two prominent instances of what appears to be the Obama administration's new catchphrase: "New Beginning." It looks like we have the much-awaited replacement term for "stimulus," "bailout" and "recovery package," all of which are despised by voters.
Poor General Motors Corp may not be around forever if certain auto dealers on a bus ride cannot persuade the federal government to give the failing company $25 billion. Sad! Remember when GM cars ruled the roads, America ruled the world, and men were men? Those were the days. We've collected a gallery of ten classic GM ads from the good old days of the 1930s, to remind you of what once was, and what shall never be again. Weep for your autos:
In 1992, suave Billy Clinton was sexin' the nation and wearin' boxers, and MTV had a big ole inaugural ball that was reportedly the hottest ticket in DC, even though Don Henley was the main act, which just goes to show once again that political people are really not cool when you get right down to it. But during the Bush years MTV had no inaugural balls, because Bush was so non-embodying of the Music Television vibe, you know? Well now Barack Obama is president and MTV is once again having a big cool inaugural ball! This is the single worst consequence of Barack Obama's election. [Ad Age; pic via]
Monster.com and CareerBuilder, the two biggest job-search websites, are both planning to spend millions on Super Bowl ads! They want to promote their fancy website redesigns and big plans to get everybody jobs now that there are no jobs left. This economic downturn is leaving everyone laid off, which is a great business opportunity! Or so a lot of people seem to think. But is it really? We have detected a flaw in this largest of growth industries: Marketing to the Unemployed. It seems like a great idea at first. All these people without jobs, and full of desperation! We got a press release for a new "networking" event" called "Get Canned":
♦ Graydon Carter says Vanity Fair plans to go ahead with its annual Oscar party, but "the party will be a much more intimate affair than in years past; we're going to scale back the guest list considerably." [DH]
♦ No replacement is planned for Alan Colmes: Fox News plans to have Sean Hannity serve as solo host of the nightly show. [NYT]
♦ Ted Koppel is parting ways with the Discovery Channel. [NYT]
♦ Looks like OK! has been cutting back on copy editors. The cover of the new issue misspells Ashlee Simpson's name. [HuffPo]
With people scraping together pennies for Kool-Aid, all ads harping on the hard times we're having, and coupons making a comeback, things are getting a little stressful for you, the good ol' American consumer. Well, how would you like some Free Cash? Would you? Would you? Would you do anything? Anything at all? Well shake that ass and empty that wallet, consumers, cause corporate America is making it rain! Cash giveaways are the new advertising trend, according to advertising trendwatcher- in-chief Stuart Elliott. Sweepstakes and cash prizes are a paltry sum for big companies, but for The Poors that now make up 87% of our nation, they're the only thing standing between them and cannibalism. The most ironic contest is CNBC.com's Portfolio Challenge, with a $1 million prize for building a successful mock portfolio. If you can build a successful portfolio these days, you're worth a lot more than that.
In an era of TiVo and dying print media, advertisers are desperate for honest-to-God focused attention. Sometimes this results in creepy Minority Report-style ads or cell-phone spying, but now it's produced an essential miracle of modern science: A guy flying across a thousand-foot-deep gorge in a jet pack. (Video after the jump.)
After he won 84 Olympic gold medals in Beijing and celebrated with a firm grip, Michael Phelps got a little screwy with his endorsement deals. He endorsed McDonald's, which made him seem insensitive to fat Americans who don't spend hours doing swimming drills every day, and he endorsed Frosted Flakes, which, you know, ditto. Some of his other endorsement choices came dangerously close to painting him as a nerd. But he's signed on with Subway now—a healthy choice! Screw McDonald's! But this causes as many problems as it solves for Fish Boy:
Amid pandemic media bloodletting and global financial meltdown, it's nice to finally find a silver lining: All those silly Barack Obama trinkets are making insane amounts of money for media companies and providing precious little stimulus to the economy. The Times estimated roughly $200 million sold so far, including more than $15 million in commemorative issues and books from People and Time, somewhere around $1.5 million for the online store set up by the New york Times Company and $700,000 for the Los Angeles Times. Commemorative plates and coins, meanwhile have become ubiquitous enough that Lewis Black ranted about them on the Daily Show (clip after the jump). The downside?
The Morgans Hotel Group has no plans to stand idly by as the economy crumbles and overpriced, miniature hotel rooms go unsold! The boutique hotel conglomerate launched a new ad campaign, the super-simple tagline for which is on your left. The company started up a new website, too, recessison.com, which, it turns out, is not a reflection on the grammatical abilities of Morgans' marketing staff, but because it stands for "Recess Is On"—or please, please book rooms at our dimly-lit, Philippe Starck-designed hotels and put it to your credit card, even if means you won't be able to pay your AmEx bill at the end of the month. After the jump, two of the videos Morgans uploaded to YouTube to get the silly marketing campaign off the ground.
