Axe body spray's new White Label line is targeting a more mature and refined class of virgins. "White Label products aim to help make men seem famous with such unusual fragrance notes as praline, star fruit, moss, fig and ginger."

Sure, the techniques that brands use to advertise themselves have reached Minority Report levels of dystopian profiling and intrusiveness. But are they intrusive enough? Aren't there any more of your senses that advertisers can exploit for their own nefarious ends?

"In the wake of nationwide protests over the lack of an indictment for the death of Eric Garner, Walmart is editing a commercial showing a black man saying "I can't breathe" as he's hugged by his daughter."

YOGURT DIP SCANDAL? Here are the bare facts:

Today is hashtag #GivingTuesday, a day when the act of charity transforms into an act of #viral #marketing for #brands. Reject it!

America, "The World's Fanciest Nation," loves beer, it's true. But now it seems that you all want "good" beer. What ever happened to good old-fashioned bad American beer?

The music industry has shifted from a business model of "selling albums" to a business model of " sell out hard as hell and hope to get your song in an ad campaign." Now, bands can directly pimp themselves out to the Sour Patch Kids™ brand in exchange for room and board.

"A little girl saves money to buy dozens of tennis balls at Walmart, presented as wrapped gifts for nursing-home residents, who are puzzled until they realize they're meant for play during a surprise visit by an onslaught of dogs." Walmart's latest ad is fucked up.

What happens when you combine the editorial sensibility of Upworthy with the world's most powerful corporations and filter it all through Vice's ad agency? Collectively.org, a new site that will save the earth. Cynical? Stop being part of the problem.

The "millennials," a demographically desirable generation that is defined by its blind fealty to the advertising agencies most capable of portraying corporate brands as non-corporate, has declared that—above all—it wants to be seen as unique.

You, the American consumer, are much like a mildly sedated monkey: passive; easily distracted; focused upon only the most superficial occurrences. A clothing corporation celebrates these traits in a new advertisement that will certainly catch your attention, you shallow monkey.

"In a market of brands hungry for content they can own, why not opt for words written by real journalists?" writes Matt Van Hoven of "brand journalism," the latest buzzword for human-sounding ads. "Certainly it could go a long way to convince readers that what they're getting is truth, or some form of it."

Americans don't trust anything they can't see with their own two eyes, except for government assurances of nefarious activities by strategically hated foreign enemies. That's why see-thru packaging is now "a must" for all American garbage foodstuffs.

Axe™ is a brand of male perfume named after the tool with which most women would like to strike the young men who adorn themselves with Axe™. FYI, gentlemen, Axe™ is now about more than not getting laid.

Genetically modified agribusiness and pesticide conglomerate Monsanto has a reputation (rightly or wrongly) as one of the most evil companies in America. Here's one way they're working on their PR: by enlisting the help of Conde Nast, and Mo Rocca, and some desperate charities.

Last week, P&G, the world's largest consumer goods company, announced that it will be jettisoning as many as 100 of its well-known brands of household crap. Now, the corporate equivalent of "Guessing Lindsay Lohan's Fuck List" is guessing which brands will go. Let's play!

With the exception of Diet Mtn Dew, most of the so-called beverages produced by the Pepsi Corporation are little more than bubbly carcinogens that aren't even fun, like smoking. Now, the Pepsi Corporation is offering you more nasty soda flavors than ever before.

Limp Bizkit dirtbag Fred Durst is now directing advertisements for the EHarmony dating corporation.

Boyz II Men: one of the most beloved R&B groups of our youth, whose songs provided the soundtrack to the vast majority of the slow dances, graduations, and funerals of the 1990s. What are those guys up to now?

The top 100 U.S. advertisers spent $108.6 billion on advertising last year, which is why the advertising industry will never die even though it is mostly evil lies and nonsense created by self-loathing bastards for sellouts (like you and me).