America is a nation of mostly poor, unattractive people who take their cues on life from the fictional actions of rich, attractive characters on television. The NBC network, your father figure, has decided to educate our slackjawed populace. With television!

Playboy's once-mighty breast photography publishing empire is crumbling into dust, so the company is just selling its logo to anything and everything in order to raise some cash. This upsets the weirdos who collected Playboy crap before it was cool.

"Baby-killer" shouter and actual giant baby Congressman Randy Neugebauer hired a sexy consulting firm to help sex up his sexy reelection bid.

Are you one of those "young people whose true religion is music?" Marketing consultants have determined the proper place for you to live: in a gleaming, Miami Beach-style condo on West 30th street. Where music lives!

Gawd, if you didn't know better you'd think that someone is trying to send kids a message not to smoke cigarettes. The federal government's going to start enforcing rules making it harder to market to kids. Is nothing sacred?

NBC's marketing department, last seen turning the mediocre show Chuck into an elaborate vehicle for peddling Subway sandwiches, is now turning the good show 30 Rock into an elaborate vehicle for peddling Dr Pepper. Progress!

The most surprising revelation in Ad Age's story on Bud Light's failed "Drinkability" ad campaign is that "Drinkability" was apparently supposed to be an actual thing—the "ideal rational benefit," the consultants said. Haha. Really? Shut up. Really? "Drinkability?"

The death of euphemism in advertising continues apace. "Tampon is not a dirty word, and neither is vagina," claims a tampon advertising guru. Oh? Television networks disagree.

As if men didn't have enough to worry about, with all the sports viewing: prepare for "the biggest array of product launches for men in nearly a decade and maybe ever." Translation, fellas: corporate America's comin' fer yer balls.

Should pregnant women be allowed to be pregnant, in public? Absolutely not. About this, Las Vegas' overpriced nightclubs and lingerie pimps are in clear agreement.

Cell phones: they had such promise. Such wondrous potential. How have we, wretched humanity, squandered that potential? By turning cell phones into predatory ad-delivery systems. Corporations are literally stalking you, by cell phone. And you asked for it!

Disney is marketing Alice in Wonderland to Goths with a soundtrack featuring The Cure and "an extensive line of clothing and accessories" at Hot Topic, including a "black shackle bracelet for $10." So much for that. [WSJ]

You'll be happy to learn that after two years of painstaking biometric testing, America's neuroscientists have successfully advised Campbell's Soup Company on how to redesign its logo. So buy soup! It was either this or curing brain cancer. [WSJ]

New spokesman for the Swiffer family of cleaning products: Cesar Millan, better known as The Dog Whisperer. In case that went over your head, the "dog" is you. [NYT]

Europe's so weird. Ad agencies in Belgium teamed together and went on "strike" to protest the fact that clients were asking too many ad agencies to pitch their business. Huh! So, temporary moratorium on sexxxy Belgian porn ads. [Adfreak]

Creative strategy consultant and white man Alan Wolk makes an earnest attempt today in Ad Age to demystify "20-something African-Americans tweeting in what can best be described as ghetto slang." No homo stereotype! Alan adds this disclaimer:

So we assume you saw Undercover Boss last night, CBS' big new reality show that got the plum post-Super Bowl spot? Amazing, was it not? Televised entertainment has now completed its long, winding journey into becoming 100% corporate propaganda.

Here's a hypnotic look at our dystopian "Augmented reality" future, in which our vision is at all times obscured by constantly-morphing hovering clouds of computer-generated brand logos. Helps you understand why your grandparents hate the internet. [via Adfreak]

Burger King sales are plummeting now that "super fans" are cutting back. For example, one super fan "figures he is saving more than $100 a week by eating fewer burgers." Goodness! Can America's food crisis grow any more dire?

News Corp. has agreed to pay $500 million to settle three lawsuits alleging "anti-competitive behavior" by its News America unit, which publishes coupon inserts and sells in-store ads. A paper not owned by News Corp also notes the following bit of context: "In a separate case that was settled last year, News America was accused by another competitor, Floorgraphics, of corporate spying. Just as witnesses began testifying in a federal case in New Jersey, News Corporation settled the lawsuit and then days later bought the company outright for an undisclosed sum."