Americans are not the sort of slobs who are satisfied with simply consuming a drab, tasteless burger in a hobo-infested fast food restaurant hastily rebranded as a "cafe." Americans are the sort of slobs who want their burgers fast—but casual. Americans want a slightly wider selection of toppings available on their burgers, and they want to consume those burgers in a very slightly more attractive setting than a Burger King bathroom. Americans demand this!

Are you a pretty savvy and health conscious person who maintains a slim and attractive physique along with the body of a much younger human by dining solely on "all natural" foodstuffs? Congrats, good for you. You are dumb.

Want to know what's wrong with kids these days? Good. I'll tell you. In my day, we had a concept known as "selling out." These days, there is new concept, called "selling out." Kids love it!

Historians tell us that the United States of America once boasted a fabled "middle" class of residents. They were not too poor; they were not too rich; they were just right. Crazy—but allegedly true.

"You know what I could go for?" said one Romanian to the other. "A 'Black Man' chocolate-flavored cookie. Looks like a black man, tastes like a cookie." Replied the other Romanian, "Here."

Page Six Magazine, august journal of taste and glamour, this weekend will feature a blowout article on a profoundly influential group of power brokers, "Modern Mad Men," a.k.a. people who tweet professionally. Because there really is no job more elegant than social media manager, right?

Food conglomerate ConAgra, maker of all remaining food, hired the PR firm Ketchum for a fun promotional stunt: it would invite a bunch of food bloggers to a fancy dinner at an Italian restaurant, then reveal that they'd actually been served frozen ConAgra food-like products instead of real food. Mirth and delight would ensue! Alas, ConAgra and Ketchum should have watched the old Chris Farley skit more closely.

Nonalcoholic beer has long been the beverage of choice for everyone from delusional recovering alcoholics to people too drunk to notice they accidentally bought nonalcoholic beer. Shouldn't you be drinking more nonalcoholic beer, if you know what we mean?

Here's a thing that the genius multibillion-dollar marketing industry did, probably at a cost of millions upon millions of dollars: instead of saying "incontinence," now we say "light bladder leakage," because that term is "less stigmatizing." See how much better it sounds? "Light bladder leakage." It's not all medical-y. It's just very plain and upfront to let people know, yes, urine is leaking from my bladder, lightly, and hey, I'm still human.

Velveeta™ brand products are much like America itself: chemical-laden, unnaturally orange, and composed primarily of Cheez. So it's unsurprising that Velveeta convenient meals division brand manager Adam Grablick's comment on the process of chemically concocting, packaging, rolling out, and promoting the new Velveeta Cheesy Skillets would serve to crystallize the fundamental hopelessness that has overtaken us as a people more clearly than anything else.

Twitter, the growing microblog juggernaut, basks in the glory of its celebrity users and the so-called "Twitter revolutions." Decaying BlackBerry, meanwhile, is experiencing the unpleasant flipside of product association.

Bad news, people who go to the store with the express purpose of purchasing Miller Lite™ brand beer: Ad Age reports that Miller Lite is growing steadily less popular. And during the "all-important summer beer-selling season"!

According to a transparent and successful piece of marketing linkbait bullshit survey, a full quarter of college students would give up sex in order to, let's see, [fill in the blank.]

The people who sell milk (who ARE those people?) started an edgy and viral marketing campaign last month based on the scientific(?) fact that milk can help ease PMS symptoms in women. The edgy part was that the campaign was aimed at dudes, the ones who suffer most when chicks are on the rag! "Slip your bitch some milk," I think was the underlying message.

You can't accuse Big Food companies of failing to care about America's health. If Americans die, who will buy all the Cheetos and Kool Aid, for example? That's why Big Food is willing to make minor cosmetic concessions—for you!

If we as a nation were to answer the question, "What are your two biggest problems?" the response would be "We are fat and broke." Well, you can't have it all, America. But you can be broke and skinnier!

The only thing standing between impoverished rural Indians and total physical collapse is the good will of international sugar-water conglomerate PepsiCo, which soon hopes to be making $30 billion a year by selling "good for you" products to people so desperate that they will turn to PepsiCo to find something good for them. "Good," in this context, means "not Pepsi cola." Please allow the WSJ to present tonight's specials at the Rural Indian PepsiCo Cafe:

Our nation's fast food outlets are all in that "teenage phase" right now, in which they all try to "find themselves" by trying on various new identities. Denny's is a "diner. Panera is a hippie haven. Everywhere else is now a "cafe." The only thing that our nation's fast food outlets can all agree on: they need more drunk people on their premises.

Despite the fact that our entire global ecosystem is set to collapse into one big festering pool of chlorine at 6 p.m. on August 12, 2018, American are not in any "rush" to let it affect our spending habits. The latest "earth-friendly" product we're telling to fuck off and die: anything refillable. That's not American.

The top 684,392 advertisements of the past year have now been honored with "Cannes Lions" awards. We've already shown you one of this year's winners in the "pedophile" category; but edgy ad guru Copyranter argues that the ad above (click to enlarge), out of Poland—in which an ad agency placed cards touting a "child safety foundation" inside children's underwear on sale at a kids' clothing store—is the single most disturbing Cannes Lion 2011 winner.