There's a famous tech saying that all good social networks begin with the question, "How will this software get my users laid?" Twitter wants you to believe it's new redesign has nailed this particular feature.

Bros. They are everywhere, and they are unstoppable. Their mission: to return to the womb.

Looking for more proof that America's overall masculinity level is now somewhere down around Switzerland's panty line, these days? Fewer than one in five Americans now are smokers. Including girls, even. How can we fix this? One tobacco company has an idea: "cigarettes." The cigars of a new generation!

Patagonia is a company that sells jackets with the subtle, socially responsible message "I am a significantly better human being than you." People who wear Patagonia jackets are successful enough to take ski vacations and purchase $250 items of clothing that resemble trash bags, but also conscientious enough to donate to attend lots of local environmental charity balls, in Aspen. And while you, the fat slob "average American," were scarfing down styrofoam-encased fast food and doing your "Cyber Monday" online shopping in a non-sustainable manner, Patagonia was doing something a little different for the crazy shopping day.

In olden times, when Americans were forced to scavenge for food at "Supermarkets," people ate only three "meals" per day, that being the maximum number that the womenfolk could be goaded into preparing, no matter how much you beat them.

"SapientNitro". "Idea Engineer." The rapping. The guitar guy. Christ. Let's just both pretend like we never, ever saw this. I can't even bear to look at you right now.

Fast food is a luxury these days. Fast food chains can no longer just set up a plastic lean-to on the side of any major highway and expect Americans to flock in for 99-cent anus burgers; now, they have to convince impoverished Americans that their "Val-U Men-U" items were prepared by a real live chef.

L'Oreal (now putting less mascara in the eyes of bunnies!) gave the University of Oxford a huge pile of money to endow the "L'Oréal Professor of Marketing" chair. Of course, being a great academic university, Oxford would never allow millions upon millions of dollars to interfere with the principle of absolute academic freedom.

Is America's tourism market share shriveling because our nation is no longer awesome? No. It's shriveling because we're not marketing America's (incontestable, eternal) awesomeness enough. Enter Brand USA, propagators of America's first-ever global, "unified" (and dumb) marketing strategy.

Extinction-thwarting punkosaurus Iggy Pop has been chosen as the celebrity spokesmodel for Black XS L'Excès, the new line of Paco Rabanne fragrances — for a man or a woman or an Iggy. There's a commercial on the way shot by music video director Jonas Akerlund, but in the meantime, we'll just have to settle for this arresting image of a shirtless Pop in spangly gold pants and a smartly tailored black blazer, offering us a bottle of his come-hither elixir. Who wouldn't want to smell like the King of Pop? [Woman's Wear Daily]

Jaleel White stole America's heart in the 90s as the nerdy but loveable Steve Urkel on Family Matters. Ever since, as the holiday season rolls around each year, we ask ourselves: "Does Jaleel have any last minute holiday gift ideas?"

One basic characteristic of journalism is this: its content is not bought and paid for and directed by an advertiser. It might be vapid. It might be poorly written. It might be damn near worthless. But it's not an advertisement.

What's the fake crap word that corporations are using now to push the subtle psychological buttons that force dumb Americans to buy their shitty products? "Artisan." FYI.

Well well well, quaint old New England is "reaching out" to its youth with a simple message: please, don't move away as soon as you get the chance. Sorry, "New" England. The youth are not about to be suckered into spending any more time there than absolutely necessary.

Think of "fruits" and "vegetables" like parsley. Parsley is a vegetable. And here in America, we use fruit and vegetables the same way that we use parsley: as window dressing, as a little green thing that makes the real food (Cheez) look better.

For people whose job it is to turn unsuspecting suckers into corporate-advertising zombies, there's no better sight than a bunch of fresh-faced 18 year-olds moving boxes into a dorm room, ready to take on the world. Yeah, take on the world's debt. Don't forget your college-branded credit card and whatnot, suckers young adults!

Speaking of the laughable campaign to make breakfast cereals like Lucky Charms "healthy," here's a nice selection of revamped cereal boxes that guerrilla-ish artist Ron English left on a shelf at a grocery store in Venice, California. Kellogg's really should release "Sugar Frosted Fat."

It hasn't even been a month since Netflix announced it was renaming its DVD-by-mail services Qwikster, and yet the company has already decided to shit-can the whole plan. Aw! Splitting into two companies and confusing everyone seemed like such a good idea.

Americans have long been subjected to the fun, rapey Axe Body Spray ads, which attempt to demonstrate to awkward males that all they need to mate with the right girl is a little body spray, and maybe some roofies.

Check out this Wormrot video. You haven't seen hardcore until you've seen Wormrot, amirite? The most hardcore part of all: they are fully owned subsidiary of the Toyota corporation.