It's not exactly news that a lot of house paint colors have wacky names. But they have apparently become even more wacky as paint companies become increasingly desperate to sell to a U.S. homeowner population so behind on their mortgage payments they're papering their walls with free subway newspapers.

How do you market a worldwide campaign of mass murder? This question perplexed Osama bin Laden until his death in May, according to a letter recovered from his "hideout" in Pakistan. In the letter, he lamented the fact that Al Qaeda was losing the PR war for hearts and minds after years of negative media coverage. The AP reports that things got so bad that bin Laden even considered renaming the group:

Have you seen this man, in the video above? If you watched television in the middle of the night during the 90s then you probably have! He's Don Lapre, professional TV con artist and the American Dream draped in a pastel polo shirt, and he was arrested last night in Arizona after a 24-hour run as a fugitive. On Wednesday, he didn't show up for his arraignment on charges of "conspiracy, mail fraud, wire fraud and promotional money laundering" connected to his marquee product, The Greatest Vitamin in the World. Shockingly, his product wasn't actually The Greatest Vitamin in the World, but rather it was a scam that netted him $52 million from over 220,000 gullible people.

Americans are a proud people. So even when we are completely broke, as we are now, we still demand that our natural fantasies of class and superiority be indulged. Welcome to the crappy cheap food place cafe, sir.

For ultimate proof of Steve Jobs' salesmanship, look not to the Apple CEO's keynotes, but to this one-minute presentation of a new Apple headquarters to the Cupertino City Council. It will make you consider buying an actual office park.

Have the elderly people around you been acting rather crackheaded lately? Don't worry, it's not Alzheimers (yet)! They're all drinking "5 Hour Energy" shots just as fast as they can, the old coots. They'll probably die soon(er).

Did you catch the big Sunday NYT story about Groupon's plans to become a bazillion-dollar company by having clever 20somethings write its ads? It was something!

As an American, there is no greater service that you can perform for your country than to drink vast quantities of beer. Not pussy foreign "Heineken" or "Corona" beer, the purchase of which amounts to draining the faltering American economy in order to subsidize enemy (non-US) nations. We're talking about real god damn American beer. Budweiser. Miller. The shit that G.I. Joe would drink.

For too long, Hispanic Americans have been forced to tolerate a world in which artificial food products were not advertised to them with satisfactory ferocity. No longer. You Spanish-speakin' people want some dang Kool Aid? We gotcher Kool Aid!

New York's War on Smoking has now won the battle of the public parks, sending thousands of grumpy nature-and-cigarette lovers into the packed, hazy city streets. In this shrinking smoke-friendly world, the next big thing is clear: "Snus." Really?

In April, Facebook tried to lure advertisers with a promotional package that highlighted the social network's ability to market to an "exact audience." Then, last week, a new feature allowing users to tag products and corporations—even celebrities!—in their photos went live. And while many will undoubtedly scoff at Facebook's latest privacy-encroaching move, Stephen Colbert couldn't help but be excited by it, and he used tonight's Report to shower the company with praise.

You can't buy cool, but Google is determined to try. At its annual Google I/O conference in San Francisco, the company is unveiling a music service, and Fast Company hears that Lady Gaga is already shooting ads for it.

When MSNBC rolled out its new slogan "Lean Forward" last year, it was a transparent attempt to beat Fox News at its own game. (That game, for the record: news as partisan propaganda.) This is the only idea that MSNBC has. You can be sure of it, because Jeff Zucker denies it.

Aveda makes its money by selling expensive beauty products to touchy-feely yuppies, like you. And if there's one thing yuppies like you love, it's rationalizing your purchase of an expensive beauty product by telling yourself that it's helping some good cause, somehow. And if that good cause is kind of bullshit... eh, you still got the beauty product.

Despite the food industry's previously stated commitment to developing healthier Pop Tarts, government bureaucrats have decided to infringe the fundamental right of good American food-sellers to market corn syrup-soaked processed corn nuggets to children, using fun cartoon characters.

I am old, crotchety, and weary of the complexities of modern life. So I am not a trustworthy judge of kids these days. But when one of the best-selling bands in America is just the imaginary band starring in a Disney made-for-TV movie...that's messed up, right?

Praise be the gods, our long national nightmare of peace and quiet is over. After firing Gilbert Gottfried from his job voicing Aflac's screaming spokes-duck, the insurance company has completed its national search for a less offensive replacement. The winner is a sales manager from Hugo, Minnesota (population: 13,000) named Daniel McKeague. Congratulations, Daniel. We can't wait to scramble for the mute button every time your bone-chilling squawk comes on TV.

Harry Hurt III (pictured, with pal) used to write a column in the New York Times business section called "Executive Pursuits," in which Harry Hurt went off and did something wacky and upscale and wrote about it. It always struck me as a wholly unnecessary exercise in self-absorption, which had nothing to do with business at all, except for the fact that Harry Hurt is a rich guy. Now, he's back—pioneering the use of advertising and product placement in books. Oh. Good.

Not too many years ago, the American economy was booming, and a population engorged with internet-stock money began moving to Berkeley, buying solar panels, and proclaiming that its consumer products needed to be "green," for the sake of saving the earth. "Money is no object!" proclaimed the typical American consumer, circa 2007. "My household cleaner must be 'green' certified, for what price is too high to pay to save the earth, while cleaning? That is a silly, rhetorical question."

On April 6, Donald Trump learned that he had come out of nowhere to tie for second place in the GOP nomination race. The next day, he did what any bona fide contender would: He filed a trademark application for a new Trump-branded line of bath salts.