Today at Gawker.TV, Anthony Bourdain comes across six tons of pure cocaine, NCIS: Los Angeles in 60 seconds, Mariah Carey's drunken acceptance speech, highlights from MTV's Teen Mom, and Bear Grylls gives himself an enema.

Last night at the Palm Springs International Film Festival, Mariah Carey was named Breakthrough Actress for her role in Precious. Carey came on stage to accept the award from the film's director, Lee Daniels, and then delivered a bizarre-yet-endearing speech.

• Kate Hudson was supposedly holding out hope that she and Alex Rodriguez would reunite one day soon. But it looks like it may be time for Kate to let the dream die. A-Rod's new flame is a "gorgeous blonde" who he met at a gym in Miami. [P6]
• In happier celebrity couple news—and after months of schmoopy public displays of affection—Katy Perry and Russell Brand are now engaged. Brand reportedly proposed while in vacation in India, a trip they decided to take after Perry expressed her love for "Indian culture while they were eating curry." [Us]
• An autopsy has been performed on Casey Johnson, the socialite and pharma heiress who was discovered dead on Monday. There weren't any signs of trauma, but more should be revealed when toxicology tests are completed. In the meantime, friends of Johnson report she went into a diabetic coma on several occasions over the past year, "spent the last months of her life in a suicidal drug haze," and had been living in squalor up until her death, since her family had cut her off. Speaking of the Johnson clan, they're planning to have a private funeral for Casey later this week. [TMZ, NYP, NYDN, People]
• In other Johnson news, she was dealing with a long list of legal problems when she died, including a lawsuit by Porsche (for failing to keep up with her car payments), and another suit by a nanny service (which claimed it was owed money). As for fame addict Tila Tequila, her alleged fiancée, she's been busy posting to Twitter, recounting the "haunting visions" she's been having of Johnson and how they "made such a lovely couple." [TMZ, NYP, Us]

• Is Tiger Woods in New York right now? Did he settle with his estranged wife by handing her a check for $300 million? In two pretty dubious stories now making the rounds, a friend of Elin Nordegren says Woods' scorned wife—who spent the holiday weekend at a French ski resort—has been telling pals she got a $300 million gift for Christmas from her estranged husband. Meanwhile, rumors also surfaced that Woods was spending the weekend holed up at New York's Trump International Hotel, where he ordered huge amounts of Red Bull and vodka and was accompanied by a "leggy blond." Alas, the paparazzi camped out outside the hotel never caught a glimpse of him and the hotel staff denied Woods was ever there. [NYDN, NYP]
• Down in St. Barts, Russian billionaire Roman Abramovich made it rain by hosting a $5 million New Year's Eve party at his $90 million estate. Beyoncé, Gwen Stefani and Prince all performed at the shindig, and the Russian mogul's party—along with fetes hosted by Larry Gagosian and Paul Allen—attracted a long list of boldface names to the island, including Jay-Z, Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr, Marc Jacobs and Lorenzo Martone, Rachel Zoe, Harvey Weinstein and Georgina Chapman, and Russell Simmons. For her part, Lindsay Lohan spent much of the weekend aboard Abramovich's boat, where she was seen jet-skiing and shopping in a teeny bikini and ginormous wedge heels. She also sent out a rather ominous tweet on New Year's Eve: "Everyone get ready for more (but positive—LOHAN MAYHEM!!!" Sigh. [NYP, People, DM]
• According to Peter Biskind's new biography of Warren Beatty—and some "simple arithmetic" on the part of Biskind—the actor has bedded 12,775 women during his lifetime. Annette Bening must be so proud. [NYP]

Jimmy Kimmel walking around SoHo yesterday with friends ... Diane Kruger shopping for baby clothes on the Upper East Side ... Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon arriving at JFK ... Sarah Jessica Parker walking to the public library in the West Village with son James ... Bethenny Frankel leaving Rockefeller Center yesterday after an appearance on the Today show... Ugly Betty's America Ferrera walking her dog on Broadway, just south of Union Square ... Catherine Zeta-Jones signing autographs outside the Walter Kerr Theatre on Monday night ... and Brad Pitt carrying daughter Shiloh on the set of Salt at Pier 66.

Sienna and Jude's balls: Barbados-bound. Together they'll make domestic reconciliation layer cake. Lady Gagadong's moneyballs will drop on New Years. William Hurt is your new existential bicycle. Gene Simmons is still trying to rock. Presenting your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

Today's cheese-tastic holiday music video might just be the worst of them all! Watch MiMi throw herself at Santa in her red snow suit, play with a white dove, and pretend to open presents in the most 90s way possible.

This is the story of a diva named Pedro Martell. Martell—a Mariah Carey fanatic—is now a rising YouTube star, thanks to his new Beyoncé video. Which is a shame, because there's much more to love about him.

Alicia Silverstone riding the subway and listening to her iPod ... Vincent D'Onofrio hailing a cab in SoHo ... Ryan Reynolds walking downtown ... Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey leaving a building together .. Amber Rose shopping in SoHo with a friend ... Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis on the set of their new movie, Black Swan ... Tara Reid arriving at MTV studios in Times Square ... Taylor Swift getting ice cream with Emma Stone at a Baskin Robbins on Wednesday night ... Celine Dion signing autographs outside her hotel ... and Young Jeezy posing for pictures with a fan on the street.

Some people really hate MTV's new reality show masterpiece theater of eight crazy kids sharing a beach house. We like it so much, we want you to watch it with us. Come on in. We made ham!

• Is disgraced publicist Ali Wise the latest addition to the cast of Tinsley Mortimer's upcoming reality show? Possibly! Wise apparently wants people to know "she's still out on the scene and doing fine" and taped an appearance at the opening of pal Stacey Bendet's new store last week. And she's expected to turn up in other episodes of the show. Let's just hope that Wise—who allegedly stalked women her ex dated—and the Tinz don't clash over any German princes or former American Idol contestants, or things could get ugly. [NYDN]
• In case you were worried that Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds were going through a rough patch, you can stop stressing. They celebrated her birthday at a club in the meatpacking district over the weekend and reportedly "looked very much in love all night." [P6]
• Penelope Cruise still hasn't confirmed whether or not she's engaged to Javier Bardem, but she's been shopping for a wedding dress recently, at least according to In Touch magazine's "sources." [In Touch via NYDN]
• Agyness Deyn's super-short hair is her signature, but it has its downsides, too, it seems. A woman propositioned the Brit model at a party the other night. Deyn "politely turned her down." [P6]

Kind of like a Harry Potter book, right? Michael Lohan's now Jon Gosselin's contracts expert. Nothing but squares at the Daily News. Robert Pattinson hates his life. Carrie Prejean: monumentally stupider than previously imagined. Here's your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

• Mariah Carey must be determined to earn back the title of "world's most demanding diva." For an appearance at a London shopping shopping center to kick off the holiday season, she asked for 20 white kittens, 100 white doves, and confetti shaped like butterflies. She also requested a Rolls-Royce, pink carpet, pink podium, and a security staff of 80 to protect her entourage of 15. Then again all she asked for in her dressing room were a few bottles of water, so it isn't as if she's totally out of control, is it? [NYDN, DM]
• Jude Law made the unfortunate decision to move into a building next to an NYU dorm and he hasn't been too happy about the students who invariably look down on him as he plays with his kids or works out with his trainer. When Law recently noticed students waving at him from across the way, he responded by pelting their windows with oranges. That'll do it! [NYP]
• Madonna is still saving the world. But she isn't taking any chances while she does it, clearly. She insisted on wearing a bullet-proof vest under her jacket while touring a "lawless" Rio de Janeiro favela recently. [P6]
• Lindsay Lohan's gig at Emanuel Ungaro may be coming to an end soon. The company's chairman reportedly wants her out since he, like the rest of the world, wasn't impressed with the "cheesy and dated" outfits she debuted at Paris Fashion Week, and many stores are refusing to carry the line. Ungaro CEO Mounir Moufarrige wants to keep her, though, to save face. [P6]

[Can Mariah Carey see through her retro glasses that she is giving an old man the "Hey! Hey!" when leaving her hotel in London today? Image via INF]

Daniel Craig walking near Columbus Circle with girlfriend Satsuki Mitchell ... Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump walking downtown ... Iman crossing the street with her daughter in SoHo ... Michael J. Fox watching a New York Giants game ... Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos seated next to Howard Stern and Beth Ostrosky at Lure on Saturday night ... Emily Blunt leaving her trailer on the set of The Adjustment Bureau in Midtown ... Mel Gibson walking with a friend in SoHo ... Adam Brody on the set of The Romantics on Long Island ... Sienna Miller walking her dog ... David Blaine hanging out in SoHo ... John McEnroe walking up Central Park West ... Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts pushing a stroller downtown ... Mariah Carey filming her latest music video ... Taylor Swift heading to the SNL afterparty ... Katie Holmes going to dinner in Tribeca ... and Alex Rodriguez and Jay-Z leaving Nello's.

• Madonna is reportedly "taking a more active role" in promoting boy toy Jesus Luz's career. She turned up to hear him spin at the Valentino party the other night, danced with "some hot fashion guys," mingled for a little, and then they left together. But that doesn't mean she's offered to do a song with him. "There are steps!" he said. "You can't just start out and collaborate with Madonna." He also says that he always plays her stuff because, you know, "It's great." [P6, NYDN]
• After Michael Lohan released a sob-filled phone call from Lindsay yesterday, she Twittered that her dad is "such a loser"; "those recordings are from years ago"; and "he needs the book for dummies on how to be a man." She also indicted she may ask her lawyer to file a restraining order against her dad and/or sue him. So, no hopes for a reconciliation just yet then? [TMZ, NYP, Us]
• Making matters worse, there is now another recording of LiLo chatting with her mother that's been released. [Radar Online]
• Mariah Carey said she'd been a victim of emotional and mental abuse on Larry King Live last night: "To really get out, it was difficult because there was a connection that was not only a marriage but a business thing, where the person was in control of my life." Tommy Mottola, anyone? [CNN, People]

• Rihanna has a new album to promote, which explains why she's suddenly breaking her silence about the personal troubles she's faced over the past year. She addresses the Chris Brown incident in an interview in the current issue of Glamour. And she'll discuss it again on Thursday when she sits down to an interview with Diane Sawyer on Good Morning America. [People, Sun, Glamour]
• Related: Rihanna attended Mariah Carey's Halloween party the other night, but the two divas refused to exchange a word. [P6]
• Kate Hudson says she quit drinking to get ready for a film role (and not because she's pregnant). She also says the diamond ring she's been wearing is not because she's engaged to A-Rod. (She says she isn't.) [P6]

• Madonna reveals all sorts of juicy, personal stuff in an interview in the November issue of Rolling Stone. Like how she really wanted to work with Eminem, but he turned her down (ouch); how her graffiti tag name back in the '80s was "Boy Toy" (how ironic!); and how she was a total geek in high school, just like every other celeb in the universe. [P6, NYDN]
• Penelope Cruz is making a cameo in the Sex & the City sequel. Get ready to suspend belief: She'll be playing the role of a banker. [People]
• Emanuel Ungaro "creative consultant" Lindsay Lohan is blaming the epic disaster that was her recent fashion show in Paris on "coming in so late and having not that much time to do a whole collection." She also says she's still "learning" and that the negative press isn't going to stop her from returning to Paris in a few months to give it another shot. You go, girl! [People]
• Because he's a romantic at heart, Alex Rodriguez flew to Miami for a single night to take Kate Hudson to dinner. Oh, yea, and to see his kids, too. [P6]

• Despite several tabloid reports yesterday that Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel had broken up, they were photographed holding hands on Monday in Santa Barbara. So what's going on? "Things have been rocky the last few months, but they're working it out," one source tells the Post. ("They've been spending more time apart... and they've been reevaluating their relationship," another tells People.) Oh, and what about those Rihanna rumors? JT and Ri Ri are apparently just working on a track together. [People, P6, NYDN]
• Another dubious rumors making the rounds: that Kate Hudson and Alex Rodriguez are expecting a baby. Hudson's rep is denying it. [NYDN]
• Madonna told David Letterman that she'd "rather get run over by a train" than remarry again. Poor Jesus doesn't have a prayer, it seems. [HP]
• Lauren Conrad has snagged a movie deal for L.A. Candy, her debut novel about a totally unfamiliar topic, "a 19-year-old who moves to Hollywood, quickly finds fame as a reality series star and then has to deal with the ramifications of living a fishbowl life." [Variety]

September 29th is a day that will go down in ginfamy (that is gay infamy) as the day that Mariah Carey, Madonna, Barbra Streisand, and Britney Spears battled for supremacy in gay hearts and minds. Who will stand victorious?