• Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie went to the Stop & Shop in Oyster Bay with two of their kids on Saturday and were "very friendly" to employees of the store. Please try to contain your amazement. [Us]
• Lindsay Lohan must be hard up for cash, since she's reportedly in discussions to star in a topless show in Las Vegas. Even worse: She seems to think it will "really revitalize her career and give her some serious theater cred." [Fox]
• Early Show anchor Julie Chen and her boss/husband, CBS chief exec Les Moonves, are expecting their first child this October. [P6]
• Speaking of kids, Amy Winehouse's rep says that the rumors the singer is adopting a child from the Caribbean are untrue. Be thankful for that! [DE]

More bad news for Kelly Bensimon. A socialite gets engaged, and an actress turns 30. Plus the requisite Jennifer Aniston sadness news and word of Madonna's continued disgraces.

• Madonna fell off a horse while riding at photographer Steven Klein's house in Bridgehampton on Saturday. She wasn't seriously injured, but don't think for a minute she's taking any blame for the spill. Her flack blamed the accident on a rogue paparazzo who jumped out of the bushes and startled the horse, although both the photographer in question and the police don't share that account. [NYDN, NYP, E!]
• Uma Thurman and Arpad Busson were rumored to be getting hitched in the Bahamas on Saturday, although there's still no word on whether any ceremony actually took place. [People, UPI]
• Has Lindsay Lohan gone straight? She was spotted "flirting relentlessly" with a group of guys including Leonardo DiCaprio at a club last week. [Sun]
• Rumor has it Naomi Campbell is thinking of moving to Moscow so she can be closer to boyfriend Vladislav Doronin. Say it isn't so! [DS]

Madonna has had a terrible riding accident and is recuperating in the Hamptons. Other celebrities have done things too, but not horse-related things.

Kevin Spacey can't go shoe shopping without hanging out in secret back rooms; Madonna can't get rid of her boy toy and Gwyneth Paltrow can't keep secrets.

• Is Lindsay Lohan heading back to rehab? That's what her mother, relatives, and friends are supposedly encouraging her to do, since she's been on a "self-destructive binge of partying, tears and breakdowns" ever since Sam Ronson broke up with her. To make matters worse, she keeps bumping into Sam everywhere she goes. Clearly, the girls need to decide once and for all which one's getting Chateau Marmont so this sort of thing stops happening. [OK!, L&S, P6]
• The Sun reports Madonna and Jesus Luz have reunited. As the story goes, Jesus came back to NYC to "perk up" Madge after all that trouble in Malawi and now they're like, going to Kabbalah classes and, like, eating dinner together and stuff. [Sun]
• Drew Barrymore and Justin Long are supposedly dating again, even though they claim they're "just friends" in public. [NYDN, P6]
• "Real Housewife" Jill Zarin recently underwent breast reduction surgery. If you're lucky, you'll see the whole procedure go down on a future episode. [P6]

Madonna, a song singer, paid $40 million to some lucky bastard for a townhouse on the UES. It reminds her of London, they say! Whatever. Here are some interior pictures of this rich, rich place:

That $40 million townhouse that Madonna is buying? The Observer dialed up a few brokers to get their thoughts on the deal, and no one had anything good to say, describing the property as "horribly located and atrociously overpriced." "It's one of the worst blocks in creation," said one. (The block is 81st Street between Lexington and Third.) "It might as well be on the moon in terms of a great townhouse location." [NYO, previously]

• It looks like Madonna's search for the perfect home in Manhattan is over. She's reportedly gone into contract on a 13-bedroom, four-floor, Georgian-style townhouse at 152 East 81st Street for $40 million. The manse features a 3,000-square-foot garden, wine cellar, nine fireplaces, elevator, 14 bathrooms, and two-car garage, which should come in handy when it comes to avoiding the pack of photographers gathered outside her front door. A floorplan of the home is below. [NYP, Sotheby's]
• Edwin Cohen, the founder of Carlin Ventures, has lowered the price of his three-bedroom apartment at 101 CPW for the third time since first listing it for $15 million last February. It's now priced at $10.75 million. [Cityfile, BHS]
• Comedian Chris Elliott has put his 7,667-square-foot home in Ridgefield, Conn., on the market for $1.689 million. [Real Estalker]

• You didn't think Eliot Spitzer was planning to stay out of the spotlight forever, did you? Rumor has it the disgraced ex-governor is hoping to get his old job back as attorney general once Andrew Cuomo runs for governor in 2010. [P6]
• Mel Gibson and his wife Robyn have filed for divorce after 28 years of marriage, reportedly because Mel has been involved with a Russian singer named Oksana Kolesnikova. [NYP, OK!]
• Madonna's PR offensive continues: Not only is she hoping to win hearts and minds in Malawi by releasing pics of herself holding baby Mercy in her arms, she also has had her former nanny talking up her parenting skills to any reporter willing to listen. [DM, MSNBC]
• Uh oh! Rumor has it Gwyneth Paltrow is planning to spawn again. [Sun]

Madonna and Jolie want more babies, tennis players are lesbians, American Girls: Changes for Whitney, Miley Cyrus is a literary scholar, and Chris Brown is dating again. Shame.

• Madonna's most recent effort to change hearts and minds in Malawi: She pleaded her case in a letter to the country's Nation newspaper, writing that she wants to provide Mercy "with a home, a loving family environment and the best education and health care possible." [Us, NYP]
• Madonna may want to take a cue from Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt: The couple had their adoption request turned down by Bhutan recently, but they're now moving on to the Philippines, according to Britain's Daily Mail. [NYDN]
• Kipton Cronkite's life appears to be headed downhill: The art world scenester has lost his job and apartment, and he's living rent-free with a rich teenager on the Lower East Side. [P6]
• Ruth Madoff will have to find a new stylist: She's been banned from the Pierre Michel Salon "out of respect for the salon's other customers." [P6]
• Lindsay Lohan's mental condition isn't improving: Friends now say she "barely sleeps" anymore, and she "can't even sit down for a minute without pacing around the room." [People]

So wrong: While Billy Joel wonders if his third wife is cheating, and Bruce Springsteen's wife ponders whether he destroyed a marriage, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt prepare for a second blissful wedding.

• It looks like mischief runs in the family. Martha's daughter Alexis has been forced to pay $990,000 in back taxes and a $110,000 fine to the IRS, although she's blaming her accountant for the "mix-up." [NYP]
• Casey Greenfield gave birth to a baby boy the other day, but she still isn't saying who the father might be. [P6]
• Lindsay Lohan got a "post-breakup makeover" consisting of a new hair color and a new tattoo, in case you're keeping track. [People, NYP]
• Jennifer Lopez has so many wigs, she has an entire room devoted to them. Or so says Star magazine. [Star]

It's all relative: Madonna's way less grounded than her ex; Vancouverites are higher than Britney Spears; Tina Fey is as folksy as her neighbor; and Michael Phelps isn't quite the drunkest clubber.

• Is Billy Joel planning to split up with Katie Lee? That's what the Enquirer is claiming this week, suggesting that Katie's "cozy relationship" with "hunky designer" Yigal Azrouel has caused Billy to consider dumping her. But not until his tour ends in November, which doesn't make much sense. [National Enquirer]
• A New Jersey man says Bruce Springsteen caused the breakup of his marriage. In divorce papers, he alleges Bruce and his estranged wife have been having an affair since the two met up at a local gym more than a year ago. [Star]
• Michael Phelps "skeeved out onlookers" at Marquee on Tuesday by drinking straight from a bottle of vodka and "dancing like a loon," all while making out with his cocktail waitress girlfriend. [NYDN]
• Breaking! Brad Pitt took sons Maddox and Pax to a Dunkin Donuts in Oyster Bay yesterday morning just like a "regular guy." [Star]

Madonna banished the children she has to focus on feeling terrible about the one she can't have. Paris Hilton, meanwhile, now has what she couldn't, so who knows if she'll want it much longer.

• Paris Hilton is getting married! Well, sort of. America's original celebutard told reporters that boyfriend Doug Reinhardt is "going to be my husband," and now friends say they're planning a summer wedding in the Bahamas. These two are going to be together forever, just you wait and see. [E!]
• The Lindsay Lohan-Sam Ronson trainwreck rolls on: Ronson seems to have changed her mind and decided she no longer wants a restraining order; LiLo says she's "devastated" by the breakup and that everyone has turned on her. Now Lohan's friends say they're worried she's suicidal. [People, Us, TMZ]
• You didn't expect Michael Lohan to pass up a PR opportunity, did you? He says he's cleared his schedule and put aside his "numerous commitments" to help Lindsay through this crisis. [OK!]
• Madonna isn't taking her legal defeat in Malawi very well: Not only did she send her kids to stay with Guy Ritchie so she could "drown her sorrows" with Stella McCartney, she wore an "uncharacteristically mumsy outfit," too, which can't possibly be a good sign. [Sun, DM]

[The pop star leaving a restaurant in London last night; image via INF]

What do you do when you're a celebrity trainer who can't find clients willing to pony up $900 a month to join your new downtown gym? Head to the Marriott Marquis, apparently. Tracy Anderson, the woman who takes credit for Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow's buff bods and Scarlett Johansson's newly svelte frame, will be holding two classes there this month, charging $200 for a three-hour workout and one-hour Q&A session. Anderson isn't promising any of her famous clients will show up, but that probably won't deter any of the people staying at the hotel, who likely booked the Marriott Marquis because they were under the impression they'd be situated in the hottest nabe in NYC. [NYO]