A tipster wonders what's up with yet-to-open LES hipster workout emporium Ludlow Fitness:

From Eater comes word of LES B&T magnet Fat Baby's spread across the neighborhood, like some sort of real estate Ebola virus. If you've been wise enough not to enter what's been affectionately deemed "Hell Square" (roughly, Houston to Delancey St. north-south, Allen to The Delancey west-east) in the past year, you're unfamiliar with the special kind of hell that is Fat Baby and its ilk—an exclusively B&T-via-Murray-Hill crowd, the Killers on the soundtrack, and $12 mojitos. Really, we don't understand why anyone would stay away!

Early in the summer, we reported the imminent opening of Ludlow Fitness in the heart of the Lower East Side. LES residents were peppered with flyers offering discounted memberships and anyone walking past the corner of Ludlow and Delancey Streets was met with sales pitches from the card tables set up in front of the future site of the gym.

• It's good that you changed the title of that piece. But are you sure that insensitive title is completely gone? [Village Voice]
  

"You know what you should be thinking? Think Lower East Side. No, hear me out: A year ago, it used to be totally dirty and unsafe, but now there's a Starbucks and some shops that were listed in Lucky and even an all-organic boutique, so it's okay to go down there. Yeah, yeah, there are still some Asians running around, but they'll work at the new hotel or something. But that's not what I'm saying, man — I'm saying that the place is perfect, you know? There's life in that area, real characters running around, real grit and dirt but not, like, so dirty that we can't take the models down there. No, seriously, I've found this totally retro tenement where we can shoot. It's a fifth-floor walkup, but once you get up there, it's worth it 'cause it's, like, so fucking real. We'll even grab a local and throw 'em in there. Shit, this campaign is going to MAKE US. Totally street, totally DKNY."

This Grub Street recounting of a week in the diet of novelist and Good contributor Gary Shteyngart is charming enough, but for some reason we can't take our eyes off the photo. Shown eating breakfast at LES staple Brown, Shteyngart appears to be almost unhinging his jaw to devour one forkful; girlfriend Mabel Hwang prepares to hand off a bolus of lox as the next delicacy. Not as glamorous as some tableaux, but still one for the archives.

Apparently produced for the 1939 World's Fair, this "panoramic" map of New York has a weird perspective, both visual and historical. Various neighborhoods, landmarks, and structures are noted (the McGraw-Hill building gets a shout-out). Its best feature, though, is the "Ghetto" label over the Lower East Side. So much changes over the decades, and so much stays the same.

• The animal kingdom embraces the death penalty, celebrates the demise of Steve Irwin. [Daily Gut]
• OMG KATIE COURIC TONIGHT OMG CBS OMG LEGS.
• John Travolta: gaygaygaygay. [National Post]
• Did Jessica Simpson lip-sync on today's episode of The View? Is that why we were kind of digging it? [BWE]
• Preteen Observer publisher Jared Kushner knows when to pull punches: when advertisers are involved, obviously. Go ahead, son, you can admit it. [The Real Deal]
• The New Yorker gets polybagged, and nary a sideboob to show for it. [Living With Legends]
• The Lower East Side and East Village become sprinkled with random instances of public art. One man projected his video art onto Ludlow Street, where a dickbag might conveniently vomit on said artistic efforts. [Metro]
• After being charged with five counts of posession of just about everything, junkie Brit rocker Pete Doherty dodges the slammer after a judge admits to liking one of his songs. You know, here in the States, at least our justices pretend to be impartial to Snoop Dogg lyrics... [Daily Mail]
• Starbucks: terribly indie, boho. [Copyranter]
• Steely Dan turns towards indier-than-thou director Wes Anderson. Only classic rock can help him. [Steely Dan]
• Meachem, Newsweek, official, newsweeklies, yawn, dentures, blahblahblah. [Reuters]
• Fake hipsters hate on fake hipsters behind web show The Burg. It's the circle of post-post-life. [The Burg]
• R.I.P. Willi Ninja. [Keith Boykin]

From this weekend's Styles section, a little nightlife preview:

• You want news placement, you go to the Washington Post. [Wonkette]
• Photoshop is the new actually writing out the joke. [MediaWireDaily]
• Getting assaulted by Joe Francis boosts traffic immeasurably. Hey Joe, you suck! We bet you wouldn't have the nerve to touch us. [LA Observed]
• Jeffrey Epstein's money sullies the purity of New Mexican politics. [DealBreaker]
• Drink up at The Orchard and E.U. Then be sure to step outside and let the neighbors hear how much fun you're having. [Eater]
• Plums: Fresh. [Gothamist]
• Wondering what Dana Giacchetto's been up to? More of the same, apparently. [TSG]
• Vests: Not just for old people anymore. [MTV]
• People who wear vests are twats. [No link, it's just an editorial opinion.]

On Tuesday, we briefly mentioned the arrival of a new gym opening on Ludlow. There was much gnashing of the teeth as the usual suspects bemoaned (again) the death of the Lower East Side. Well, if the above flyer is any indication, there's nothing to worry about: They're going to fit right in.

• Rip off those condoms, boys! The FDA proposes to sell the morning-after pill over the counter for women 18 and older; we encourage you to try Plan B just once, if only because the woman in its advertisement looks so damn serene. Inner peace comes from knowing you knocked that would-be zygote out of commission. [Plan B]
• Why would alleged perv Jeffrey Epstein donate $30 million to Harvard? Almost all of the university's students are of legal age. [Crimson]
• In the midst of all of Mel Gibson's anti-Semitic fun, Hollywood Jew-bashing Gregg Easterbrook is back on ESPN.com. Coincidence? Not when he's got advice from Jesus for Phil Mickelson. [ESPN]
• Haute Living, the bible of those who like to live haute, will launch a NYC spin-off version, to be found in "400 luxury buildings where the average price of an apartment is $4.2 million." Just what New York needed: rich fucks reading about their rich fucking lifestyle while lounging about their rich fucker apartment. [The Real Estate]
• And in other magazine news, introducing ShopSmart, Consumer Report's ghetto version of Lucky. [NYDN]
• Life & Style to get bloggy. [FishbowlNY]
• Poor Lower East Side. You've tried to stand tall throughout the climbing rent prices, overcrowded bars, and impossibly expensive boutique shopping. You even kept your cool when Starbucks set up shop. But now the line has been crossed: a gym, an actual area promoting fitness, is headed for Ludlow Street. A moment of silence, please. [Curbed]
• So with the biblical heat outside, how long until people start losing power? We're setting the over/under at 18 hours. [NYSun]

A few readers — or one marketing flack using several e-mail accounts — have/has sent us pictures of the following billboard on Houston near Katz's Deli. Clearly poor Emily is distraught, and feckless Steven has gotten his just desserts in a case of public humiliation. Or, you know, it's another douchebag viral ad designed to get people talking.

• Just when you thought The View situation couldn't get any more chaotic, Shannen Doherty enters the fray. God, we hope Brenda shows up drunk. [NYP]
• We have no idea what Lindsay Lohan's problem is — other than the paparazzi in her face — but her language is unacceptable. Did she learn this from Brandon Davis? [TMZ]
• Da Hip Hop Rascalz are bunch of East Harlem schoolkids who are far more talented than you'll ever be. Or at least far more cute. [WFMU]
• Absurdistan author Gary Shteyngart endures Krucoff. [92Y]
• Express, that temple of fashion, sells a LES t-shirt for $22.50 — but reads, "Essex between Rivington and Clinton." And the entire neighborhood spontaneously bursts into flames. [Curbed]
• Gay Talese talks to The Morning News. And talks. And talks. But not necessarily in a bad way. [TMN]
• Who doesn't hate AOL? [Consumerist]
• If you want a talking head to pull all the graphic details out of a sexually molested prisoner, then Nancy Grace is your gal. [TV Newser]

Due to the construction of both a luxury hotel and a new condo complex, the demise of Orchard Street between Houston and Stanton has created a new breed of hipster. Whereas earlier generations of hipsters had been infected with the powerful disaffectation virus, the latest incarnation of the Lower East Side hipster — a species quickly nearing extinction due to Fat Baby — has been plagued with extra-aggravated strains of rage:

As the Lower East Side continues to become an overzealous developer's dream come true, the plebs pay the price: construction on the block of Orchard Street between Stanton and Houston has resulted in the slow crumbling of a tenement at 189 Orchard. Residents have a forthcoming luxury condo building and Jason Pomeranc's new hotel to thank for the mess:

• Jenna Elfman defends Scientology by screaming in public and asking people if they've raped babies. If only she were allowed to take her medication, these outbursts could be prevented. [TMZ]
• If you watch that Thomas Friedman video again carefully, you just might notice a young lady in the background, swilling champagne. Apparently, she's his daughter — and she just graduated high school. But who doesn't booze their way through Daddy's big night? [Fishbowl NY]
• Lower East Side stinkpit Rothko shuts its doors — but where will the little hipsters dance now? [Brooklyn Vegan]
• The mathetmatical formula for Bridget Harrison. [Julia Allison]
• Andrew Hearst — the man just hired to edit Vanity Fair online — brings you Sementeen, for adolescent and teenage boys everywhere. [Panopticist]
• You kind of knew Jon Stewart would be a good tipper. [New York Hack]
• The rights to John Steinbeck's works have been awarded to his son and granddaughter, neither of whom will have to lift a finger ever again. [AP]
• Surprisingly enough, wearing your Anderson Cooper fan shirt to Anderson Cooper's book signing does not scare the silver fox. [Understandish]
• Our worldly brother Gridskipper is in desperate need of interns in New York and Los Angeles. Come join our abusive family, won't you? [Gridskipper]

• Is this man the Julio who Anderson Cooper keeps so very near and dear to his heart/pants? We can't confirm, but he certainly looks tailored to Anderson's rumored tastes. And he's only 25, which means he's obedient. [Eff Anderson]
• If you want to verify the status of his lover, you could just ask Anderson himself: he'll be doing a signing on June 19th at noon at the Shops at Columbus Circle, third floor. Clear your schedules now.
• Rachel Weisz gives birth to a baby boy, and absolutely no one gives a fuck. [Us Weekly]
• Josh Hartnett will give you $500 to use your "funky" LES apartment for a photo shoot. Like you wouldn't just do that for free. [Curbed]
• If Manhattan were Chicago, we'd all be a little more fat. [Kottke]
• And in other LES news, it would seem that Jay McInerney's therapist works dangerously close to Fat Baby. [H&G via Eater]
• As of the time of this posting, Greg Gutfeld is leading the poll for best HuffPo contributor by a single vote. Granted, it's actually the only vote, but he's a winner nonetheless! [BigMediaBlog]
• To celebrate the birth of her first biological daughter, Angelina Jolie's lawyers buy baby Shiloh her very own domain name. Beats a silver Tiffany rattle any day. [Defamer]
• Meanwhile, Angelina gets her own verb. To Jolie: to leave your girlfriend for another woman who was supposedly just your friend. As in, "The fucker Jolie'd me." [ONY]

100 Slaps [Toocoolforlife's YouTube]

• Al Roker continues to amaze the denizens of Philly, revealing that he is, as suspected, a hugger. As is Matt Lauer. Katie Couric? [Insert controversial pause] Sure, guess you could say she's a hugger, too. In fact, the entire staff of the Today show molests one another daily. Except for Ann Curry. No one will touch her. [NBC10]
• So who screamed at Brandon Davis, berating him for revealing Lindsay Lohan's clit length and demanding that he "take a shower"? This girl, that's who. And she's Lindsay's biggest fan, so step the fuck off. [BWE]
• MySpace isn't just for greasy hipsters and perverse predators — it's also for wannabe Playmates. [TMZ]
• Judge a book by its cover. [Book Covers]
• To Do, This Weekend: fuck a sailor, and fuck him good. Then tell everyone you know before realizing what you've done, then go get a STD test. [NY Sun]
• Mike Myers and his hockey stick are thisclose to joining Yonah Schimmel's and ABC No Rio as LES institutions. [Cityrag]
• Seriously, Frank Bruni, could you make us love you any more? Stop it! It's unnatural, this affection! [NYT]
• Meet the Harvard-Yale lovematch from hell. You may feel inferior now, but just wait until they move into their first Park Avenue penthouse and they start throwing crystal vases at one another. [Julia Allison]