responding to The Daily Beast's Sean Macaulay request that the New Yorker writer, (former?) friend of Tina Brown, and famous ladies' man share some of his secrets of seduction.

Jesus Christ, do you have any idea how much money there is to be made in the Amish porn business? Lots. And by "Amish porn" we mean "Devilish books in which a lady feels a certain tingle beneath her bonnet."

The 'Cougar' phenomenon—which never grows old, or loses its journalistic depth—is trickling down to the more...average precincts of American trendwatching. The Wilkes-Barre (PA) Times Leader went "on the prowl" for local cougars, get it? They found one!

The New York Post's plan to resurrect the Eliot Spitzer hooker scandal story is turning out fabulously. Day one was the "Spitzer comeback?" rumor. Day two was the Shocked Response. Now, day three: Ashley Dupre makes her return. Musically, too!

Sheryl Weinstein had an affair with Bernie Madoff. Then Bernie stole all of Sheryl Weinstein's money and she wrote a book about fucking him although he has a small penis. Sheryl's husband is not happy about this, but he understands.

Megan Fox says she's more comfortable kissing ladies on screen, Rihanna brings Taylor Swift flowers and Hilary Duff's not playing nice. It's your Friday morning Gossip Roundup!

Bernie Madoff lovah and sexxxy tell-all writer Sheryl Weinstein is dropping more sexxxy bombshells about hot animal love, with Bernie Madoff! Ruth Madoff gets proven more innocent every single day.

Philly pseudofameball Arthur Kade is constantly forced to top his own previous heights of assholedom just to maintain his ongoing performance art project. He does this by appearing ever more insane. Taint hair complaints are okay; but this is sublime:

Kate Major, who quit her Star magazine reporting job after she "fell for" Jon Gosselin and now is very disappointed their love did not flourish: "I have a degree, I'm not some stupid girl." Okay.

Sheryl Weinstein was pretty broken up when she lost millions to Bernie Madoff, who was also her secret lovahhhhhh. But now she's telling the world all the sexy details of Bernie sexy time, in a book, for satisfaction, and riches.

A lady named Sheryl Weinstein—who helped a charity sink $40 million into Bernie Madoff's funds—is writing a book about her (sordid?) affair with Bernie. The big winner here: Ruth Madoff.

Alex von Furstenberg flipped out, with insanity, when he found out his fiancee was flirting sexxxily with washed-up NBA star Reggie Miller. You got off easy, Reggie. Alex has been know to punch faces over this sort of thing.

Aaaaand, just that quick, TMZ has the sexxxy photos that Alex von Furstenberg's fiancee Ali Kay sent to washed-up basketball player Reggie Miller. Surely there's an innocent explanation? No?

Perhaps it was his over-entitled LA Lakers fandom that caused Alex von Furstenberg, heir to Barry Diller's fortune, to think that (attempted) public shaming was the best reaction to a basketball star pursuing his fiancee. That, or stupidity. Same thing.

Paul Janka! Remember him? "Pickup" "artist" extraordinaire, of the most skeevy, nasty sort. He's still alive, in the world, and writing sexy things about "dating" methods! This recent email blast tells of his romantic trip to bone skanks, in Paris.

Bronzed god Donny Deutsch would like to take Sarah Palin on a date. After the date he would like to bone her, marry her, and rule the nation together from atop a gleaming pile of salmon.

"Pheromone"-infused body wash to lure the ladies: Pretty fucking stupid bit of pseudoscience, honestly. But the New York Times will turn this city upside down to find a lady seduced by pheromones' sexy powers!

In a lesser town, Emmanuel "Ojo" Ojofeitimi would have been just another dude whose wife got angry at him for cheating and poured a cauldron of boiling water over his genitals while he slept. In New York, we have tabloids!

A hedge fund is the worst possible place to get embroiled in a workplace sexual harassment suit. Hedge funders are ruthless and insane. A harassment suit at one hedge fund is now also an extortion case. With nude pixxx!

This has the suspicious whiff of a setup: Star reporter Kate Major and Octo-dad Jon Gosselin very publicly become an "item." Star trumpets this fact in a press release. Hours later, Kate Major resigns. Why?