Seemingly no day this week would be complete without the unauthorized use of a celebrity to further a lesser entity's cause. First we had Uwe Boll borrowing Michael Bay to pimp his new film, and not 24 hours later, the American Beverage Institute placed a full-page ad in USA Today featuring Lindsay Lohan as the poster child — literally — for drunken driving. Arguing against laws that would require "ignition interlocks" — or built-in breathalyzers — in every new vehicle off the assembly line, the ABI's ad uses Lohan's mugshot to suggest the starlet's soggy transgressions shouldn't hurt the nice folks who don't mind a happy-hour nip or eight. Within hours, Lohan's lawyer was venting to TMZ:

We have to give Britney Spears some credit: even after all the gurney rides, mental ward stays and umbrella attacks, she's still capable of inspiring her fellow Bimbo Summit alumni to follow in her bare footsteps. According to TV Guide, Lindsay Lohan is "in advanced discussions" to become the latest stunt cast victim guest star on the May 22nd finale of ABC's runaway hit Ugly Betty. And in a nostalgic nod to the good old days when she played an outcast in Mean Girls, she's reported to play a fast-food worker who Betty befriends. The only bad news? Lohan will be forced to share the guest star spotlight with the all-time queen of anger management-be-damned divadom.

Our friend Copyranter brings this troubling ad to our attention. The ad, from today's USAToday (a highly esteemed bastion of journalism), uses a mugshot of Lindsay Lohan, coupled with what appear to be promotional photos for that Bennigan's off Route 9, to show us how drunk-sensing ignition locks should be used in moderation. Because, I, um, guess there is a gray area when it comes to drunk driving. So, yeah, their cause is pretty bad. But even worse is that they spelled the freckled boozehound's name wrong. It's "Lindsay," not "Lindsey" you dopes. You take out a full page ad in a national newspaper and you can't even spell a damn name right? You've been drinking too much. As have I. Click through for larger.

Not a day goes by without a dozen blind items stirring up rumors about the newest Hollywood heroin addict or closeted anchor with sex swings in his office, but there is one very rare kind of bold face name-less rumor that catches our eye. And it has to do with "celebrity dads," "piercings," and "nether regions." As the NY Post Just Asks this morning:

An extremely paranoid Lindsay Lohan could barely sit still as she was having her nails done in West Hollywood Monday afternoon. Lohan constantly checked over her shoulders and all around the salon for fear that the employees were talking behind back in their native tongue. Lohan asked the woman who was doing her nails if they were talking about her, but when the nail technician attempted to calm the Mean Girls star down, Lohan excused herself for a cigarette and never returned.

[Lindsay Lohan and lady friend DJ Samantha Ronson getting things did in LA yesterday; image via INF]

Gwyneth Paltrow has finally explained what recently inspired her to drastically change her uptight, ladylike English countryside demeanor into that of a high-class hooker using flashy props like kinky boots and see-through ass-grazing dresses. You know that standard awkward adolescent phase girls go through in middle school when they start painting on their mom's lipstick and wearing mini-skirts so the boys will notice them? Well, according to a recent interview with British GQ, Gwyneth is officially going through that phase right now: "Paltrow admits she suffers from a lack of confidence...she is desperate to change her public image...'People think I'm aloof, or cold, or that I breathe rarefied air - that's not me'." So what exactly turned the former It Girl into a Debbie Downer?

Some might say stage moms get a bad rap. They are, after all, represented by the likes of Dina Lohan, Lynne Spears and Joe Simpson (yes, we know Joe isn't technically a "mom", but we'll gladly take any opportunity to mock him that comes along). But as with so many stereotypes, there may be some real truth behind this one. For all three of you who've had the unfortunate experience of watching I Know My Kid's A Star on VH1, it's apparent that the behavior of real-life controlling, abusive and downright lock-up-worthy momagers makes those pictures of Dina and Lindsay downing Jack D. in their underwear look like a Norman Rockwell montage. Our Resident Videographer Wizardess Molly McAleer has taken the liberty of providing ten examples of what it takes to turn your bundle of joy into a self-hating, bratty little future drug user. Hint: Screaming helps a ton. [Vh1]

So yesterday we published screenshots of blurry actress Lindsay Lohan's Facebook page. The page has now been either deleted or hidden behind lots and lots of privacy walls, but our images will linger on forever! What can we learn from them? Well, she used her friend/maybe lover DJ Samantha Ronson's last name, she was friends with a reality star Lauren Conrad, a "Hiilary Duff," supermodels Jessica Stam and Lauren Hastings (with whom she is having some sort of spat), former prostitute Jason Preston, internet socialite Cory Kennedy, and lots of other infuriating people. She also tried to explain away some recent drunk-looking photos, by reporting that it was "430 am!!!" In case you haven't had enough, after the jump we've included screenshots of "Wall" postings that Lindsay Ronson left on other people's pages. According to these, she WILL be at Coachella.

When Lindsay Lohan falls off the wagon, she falls hard. So hard, in fact, that she spent this past weekend traipsing around New York in what appears to be a long and eventful whopper of a bender. As we reported yesterday, Lindsay spent her Saturday night downing Grey Goose with new roomie Samantha Ronson before promptly (and nostalgically) passing out in a car. But today's NY Post informs us that the night before was far more eventful. Tagging along with Ronson to the Beatrice Inn on Friday night for one of the chain-smoking DJ's gigs, whatever mysterious substances were floating through Lohan's system manifested into a screaming match directed towards teeny tiny Ashley Olsen:

Our favorite cocaine-dappled redhead, actress Lindsay Lohan, has a Facebook profile! But it's undercover... She goes by the name "Lindsay Ronson," using the last name of her friend (girlfriend perhaps??), DJ Samantha Ronson. She's friends with Marc Jacobs, his ex-fiancé (and former hooker) Jason Preston, The Hills' Lauren Conrad, model Jessica Stam, random internet socialite Cory Kennedy, and a whole host of other notable idiots. It's funny to see that all these loathsome people are connected, though I guess it makes some perfect cosmic sense in a way. Though maybe they don't all get along. She's friends with a "Hiilary Duff" (a notorious enemy) and, judging by her "Wall," she and model Lauren Hastings seem to be in some sort of fight. Also, as you can see from her "Status," she's totes serious about her new sober living ("It was 430 am!!!" she offers as cryptic explanation for something), even though she's been seen hard partying all over the place. Radar has two theories about the possibly "glassy-eyed" Long Islander). Find her "Wall" after the jump, plus, a profile picture of French toast and Parliament Lights (yum!), from Radar

• Natalie Portman was with her hippie boyfriend in a park when she got peed on by a dog. There's a picture and everything! Happy Tuesday! [Post]

Mother to the stars Dina Lohan took a relaxing trip to the beach Sunday afternoon amidst rumors circulating that her daughter Lindsay Lohan had a relapse in sobriety over the weekend in New York City. She seemed to be unfazed by the news about her eldest daughter, going as far to say, "This is what happens when you pass on doing our awesome reality show. Only on E! this summer. We love it, too!"

Another day, another star parties in London and lets their hair down. Or in Emma Watson's case, flashes her Britney to the paparazzi. Joining the very exclusive peek-a-boo sorority helmed by Spears, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton, recently legal Hermione Granger celebrated her 18th birthday by partying across the pond with co-stars in a very demure little black dress, but made the all-too-common mistake of failing to exit her chauffered car in the proper manner. Though it appears the potential bad girl was wearing some kind of thong-ish type thing, her lacey underwear left little to the imagination. And though it's not our place, we do recommend Watson consider heading to the nearest waxer before flashing her nether regions again. A closer look after the jump.

Hearing that Lindsay Lohan has fallen off the wagon before her one-year anniversary as a sober young lady is far less surprising than the venue in which she decided to publicly rebel against her new good girl image this past weekend: the Hawaiian Tropic tourist trap in Manhattan's Times Square. But apparently, after trying so hard to avoid temptations, banning bad influences from her life and even signing up for (albeit questionable acting roles), all the female shimmy-shaking and bar wenches must have inspired her to let loose. And speaking of bosom buddies, People is reporting that Lohan spent the Scores-like evening alongside none other than helpful healer/new roommate Sam Ronson:

• Paris Hilton is making a show on how to groom, then leave for dead in a closet, your pets. [Showbiz Spy]

As much as we poke fun at Momager/Pimp Dina Lohan for her questionable parenting techniques and famewhore-y tactics to become just as cool and famous as her bankable daughter Lindsay, we secretly can't ignore the fact that having her as a mother might simply be loads of fun. Sure, you don't really have a role model, and you can't expect anyone to pick you up after school, but it's not like you go to school anyway! In Ali Lohan's case, you go to Las Vegas. MSNBC.com reports that Dina and Ali hit the strip to shoot scenes from their upcoming reality show Living Lohan and, from the sounds of it, had a grand ol' Britney Spears-in-garters kind of stay...

Rupert Grint, in my estimation the real dreamboat of the Harry Potter movies, says he won't move to Los Angeles because of all the mental girls there. Well, two in particular. On bedraggled cocaine enthusiast Lindsay Lohan: "I met Lindsay last summer and she talked about herself a lot. She said she was going to win an Oscar before she turns 25. I just kept thinking, 'But you can't act'." Hah! On wan puddle of Alfredo sauce Paris HIlton: "I haven't met Paris and don't want to either. She and Lindsay are the type of girls you need to stay away from." Hah again! Mrs. Weasley would be so proud. [Showbiz Spy]

Just last year, the magic of MySpace brought us news that Lindsay Lohan wanted to marry lesbian wingwoman Sam Ronson and have her children. And what better way to begin that fairy tale than by shacking up together? Sources tell the NY Post that Ronson is so dedicated to making sure Lindsay stays clean, that she's taken to spending every night at the underpaid flesh-baring actress' LA abode. But this isn't the first time a ladies-loving girlfriend has checked in for a long-term stay at Casa Lohan, and as you'll learn, that arrangement didn't exactly lead to a sober future.

• Us reported that Ashlee Simpson was pregnant, as did OK!. An October due date was even floated for the musician's baby. But husband Pete Wentz sent an email to MTV News denying everything and positing a massive conspiracy: "There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood."