Happy college graduation, and welcome back home! It happens. These days, more than ever: "5.9 million Americans between 25 and 34 years of age-nearly a quarter of whom have bachelor's degrees-live with their parents, a significant increase from 4.7 million before the recession," according to the WSJ.
Allow us to explain something as clearly as possible to kids these days, because we, the internet, are essentially your parents now: college isn't supposed to be "fun" for you, any more. That was the privilege of every previous generation. Not you. Considering the economy's collapse and the the truly terrifying levels of student debt assumption necessary to buying a college degree these days, you're expected to choose a major that pays. "Exploring intellectual horizons" and all that horseshit was for others. Not you. See?
Deplorable news from our nation's child warehouse system: kids these days are being sexually harassed, by kids these days. Kids these days! Sometimes we seriously consider carpet bombing to be our best adolescent behavior management strategy.
Every autumn for the past three years the well-intentioned senior boys and girls at Quincy High School in Quincy, Massachusetts have gone around sticking dozens of cheap plastic flamingos in people's yards along with signs asking for $20 donations. They call their activity "flocking." It's a harmless alternative to flash-robbing and other popular teen pastimes.
What is it with kids these days? Amirite? You know what I'm talking about. In this particular case, I'm talking about how kids in elementary and middle school have, sure, okay, improved their standardized test scores in math over the past two decades—but in reading, there's been only "modest improvement." Kids these days! From the NYT:
Kids these days: are they monsters who grew up on Mars and you shouldn't even bother trying to communicate with them, because they're monsters from Mars? As their parent, you know the answer to this is "Yes sir." That's why you are "outsourcing" the teaching of basic social skills to your own children. Who has the time?
Earlier this year, Catholic University president John Garvey vowed to get rid of co-ed dorms, lest his school further descend into the depths of liquor-soaked "nun and priest"-themed heterosexual orgies. Is mere sexxxual segregation enough to tame the devilish sexxx hormones of sexxxy young sexxx-crazed students at the very peak of their sexxxuality?
"Virginia Is for Lovers." This state slogan is a great, cheap way to "make a point" whenever something fucked up happens in the state of Virginia. Such as, for example, "school security personnel" relentlessly blasting Norfolk-area public school students with pepper spray. For lovers? Yeah, lovers of pepper spray!
Old-fashioned "meet me in Union Square and do the Thriller dance"-style flash mobs have been played out for years, although the more recent "big group of teens running around beating everyone's ass, just like they've always done, but with a new, trendier name"-style "flash mobs" are still going strong. And now, in a completely new and never-before-seen phenomenon: "Flash robs!" We must use any and all methods to crush this brand new and super scary outbreak of stealing things!
Is your child younger than two years old? Has your child ever caught a glimpse of your household television set in the "on" mode? Congratulations: you're raising a loser.
For people whose job it is to turn unsuspecting suckers into corporate-advertising zombies, there's no better sight than a bunch of fresh-faced 18 year-olds moving boxes into a dorm room, ready to take on the world. Yeah, take on the world's debt. Don't forget your college-branded credit card and whatnot, suckers young adults!
We are now living in a time in which the first generation in history that never experienced life before the internet is coming into cultural power. And it is awful.
In Oregon, two teen friends alleviated their boredom by grabbing their trusty hatchets, heading to a local city park, and chopping down trees—just like you used to do when you were a bored teen, back in the 1760s.
You may think that you're one of those "good" parents. You read to your kids at night, and you don't let them play with guns, and you stripped most of the lead paint out of the playroom. Well, according to the latest scientific study, it's safe to give up. Your kids will inevitably die of McChicken-related diabetes sooner or later, no matter what you do.
Half a century ago, heroes like Martin Luther X and Rose Park risked their lives by marching on top of lunch counters so that kids of all races would one day have the right to catch a few "Z's" in class while the teacher showed a filmstrip of the "I Have a Dream" speech. And how do kids these days repay those civil rights heroes? By not knowing a damn thing about them.
Since everyone in America aged 17-29 smartly decided to "wait out the recession" by enrolling in college—a magical fantasy land which temporarily makes your lack of purpose in life disappear—it stands to reason that college graduation rates would also be rising, right? All those motivated young go-getters just raring to acquire skills with which to grab the world by the throat, and eat it? Right? No.
