Deplorable news from our nation's child warehouse system: kids these days are being sexually harassed, by kids these days. Kids these days! Sometimes we seriously consider carpet bombing to be our best adolescent behavior management strategy.

A new report from the AAUW finds that 48% of students (56% of girls, 40% of boys) in the 7th-12th grades report being sexually harassed in school last year. This is on top of the horrible feelings of awkwardness and sexual rejection experienced by 99.9% of students in that same demographic. (Everyone except Julie. She's perfect.)

How can we help our young brothers and sisters fend off sexual harassment until they reach an age at which they can sue and at least make some money off it?

  • If someone makes a lascivious comment about your body, scream "Liar, I'm hideous!" and burst into tears.
  • Wear a hoodie with the drawstring tightly pulled around your face until your high school graduation.
  • If someone uglier than you is sexually harassing you, point out their ugliness. This will really make them think.
  • It's a myth that wearing low-cut or provocative clothing makes you "deserve it." That "A" in Mr. Lopez's class, we mean. Everyone knows how that guy is.
  • All adolescent boys should be required to read the classic feminist text "The Second Sex" by Simone de Beauvoir. Maybe they'll masturbate to that, instead of to you.
  • If you're sexually harassed, tell an adult. If they don't do anything about it, tell your cousin. The criminal one.
  • Cut a motherfucker.
  • Just because someone asked you to the dance and you didn't want to go with them doesn't make it sexual harassment. Julie.

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