As the theatre continues to not at all debase itself for money, yet another highly-deserving, stage savvy actress is making the leap to old Broadway. This time it's cult prisoner Katie Holmes, a Nobel laureate for her work on Dawson's Creek, who might be appearing in All My Sons sometime next year.

After trying and failing to lure tabloid favorites like Nicole Richie and K-Fed to the Broadway stage, producers on the Great White Way have apparently reverted to seeking out stars with actual acting experience. The Daily Mail reports that Katie Holmes is in final negotiations to play a major role in Arthur Miller's classic All My Sons, opposite Broadway heavy hitters Dianne Weist and John Lithgow. But will Katie's performance top one former Mrs. Cruise's naked cartwheels from exactly one decade ago?

After successfully recruiting Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith into the Scientology fold, Katie Holmes ponders whether or not it's time to pop another fistful of Klonopins: "I know that Tom and David hate it when I self-medicate, but every girl has gotta have a vice, right? And no, Louboutins don't count. Maybe it'd be best to wait another thirty minutes. Yeah, that's the ticket. Okay, the clock starts ... now! No, wait. Maybe it should've started a minute ago, when I first started thinking about this. Okay, only 28 minutes left. Is it just me or is this clock running extra slow today? I hate Tuesdays. Such a worthless day."

Earlier this month we discussed whether or not Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' double date with Forest Whitaker and his wife Keisha was less about baby talk and more about Xenu talk. And while we didn't rush to the race card, MSNBC is reporting that TomKat and the CoS are intent on luring more African-American stars onto the Knights of Hubbard bowling team:

In its new issue with Britney Spears on the cover, the Atlantic featured some oh-so-intellectual analysis of celebrity worship within a profile of the the founders of paparazzi firm X17, which is now online. The magazine also posted a trashier Web-only sidebar, in which the paps riffed on a series of their own photographs. Along the way, they mentioned how actress Nicole Kidman "really does have a unpleasant, grandmother-ish look," how singer Britney Spears "is being pumped full of drugs and that can affect her weight" and how actor Tom Cruise and wife Katie Holmes are "living inside the Scientology Center." You really have to read it for yourself, but here are some choice bits:

Another day, another star lost to the more-popular-than-ever VIP club that is the Church of Scientology. But unlike Tom and Katie's previous predatory attacks on Jennifer Lopez and the Beckhams, this one really hurts. On Wednesday night, the Knights of Hubbard went on a double date with Oscar winner Forrest Whitaker and his wife Keisha, right on the heels of last Wednesday's double date with Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith (long-term victims of TomKat's proselytizing ways). Savvy observers will recall that this isn't Whitaker's first brush with the wily ways of Scientologists; back in 1999, he spent months on end on the set of Battlefield Earth with John Travolta. So, the question is this — does he have enough willpower left to resist yet another call from Xenu's sworn enemies?

I know that's an extremely sacrilegious thought and a part of me morally objects to it, but how awesome would a remake of Rosemary's Baby starring Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes be? Obviously, it'd be played for laughs, but it'd one of those movies that Hollywood couples make to explain their love affair. Like Kurt Russell & Goldie Hawn in Overboard.

• Katie Holmes may be pregnant again. Celebrate now, there will be plenty of time to figure out which Scientology God's sperm impregnated her later. [OK!]

• Britney Spears hanger-on Sam Lutfi must henceforth keep 250 yards from the singer because as Britney's mom reminded us, he "gave Britney Spears pills ground up in her food to keep her quiet and at one point he told Britney she had to take 10 pills a day if she wanted to see her two young children." [Reuters]

When you're five months pregnant, sheer fabrics and subtlety don't exactly go together. But Nicole Kidman, seen here promoting The Golden Compass in Japan yesterday, is brazen! She will show you her baby bump and you will like it! On the opposite side of the spectrum is Nicole's replacement, Katie Holmes, who wore a Look Ma, I'm Not Pregnant silk dress to last night's Costume Designer's Guild Awards. How tight was it? So tight that we now possess the knowledge that Tom Cruise prefers his women to wear low-cut cotton undies. But putting their triumphant maternal updates aside, what's with Tom's paramours and their preference for Auntie Mame numbers?

Here's a reminder, if one needed one, of the extraordinary power of the celebrity baby, particularly one who may carry within her the spirit of Scientology founder, L. Ron Hubbard. Vanity Fair is blaming Baby Suri for a 12.8% decline in newsstand sales. The Conde Nast magazine carried photographs of preacher-star Tom Cruise, wife Katie Holmes, and their newborn, in October 2006; the second half of 2007, which included a worthy but boring Africa issue, had no matching draw. Question: who will win rights to the twins expected by actors Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt? Celebrity weekly insiders say those images will be worth more than the $4m paid for Jolie's last child. (After the jump, our graphical representation of the sums paid for recent alpha reproduction; the larger the image, the more paid.)

Andrew Morton, best-selling biographer of Tom Cruise, says some Scientologists believe the actor's daughter with Katie Holmes carries the spirit and maybe even the DNA of the sect's founder, L. Ron Hubbard. What else do adherents believe? Despite the fuss around Tom Cruise's manic Scientology video, published here, I didn't have the patience to go through all the background material. (Some of Scientology's critics are even more rabid, and paranoid, than the sect's zealots.) But there's a solution: the South Park's episode, in which one character is briefly lured into the cult, is still up on the web, although Tom Cruise forced the cartoon show's owner Viacom to stop airing the episode on television. In this excerpt, Stan learns Scientology's extraordinary doctrine: that human beings are haunted by the souls of frozen aliens, captured and brainwashed by the evil galactic overlord, Xenu. Bonus fact: Mark Ebner, the Hollywood investigative reporter who first leaked the Tom Cruise video, consulted on this South Park episode. Though it's a cartoon, and mocking in tone, this is a pretty accurate summary of Scientology's far-fetched central narrative. And, blessedly, it's short.

Who could have anticipated the Pandora's Brand Can o' Worms we'd be opening with our Katie Holmes NY marathon conspiracy coverage over the past few days? We asked questions, you had answers. You also had more questions, about mysterious men in photos and identical split times. We started to realize this was bigger than all of us. Or maybe it wasn't. We were cold. We were scared. We met a guy named Deep Socks. Eventually, we hit The Wall, but The Truth gave us our second wind. A round-up of the latest:

· Fox 411's Roger Friedman claims to have solved the mystery: Foxy Mossad Agent #6074 as commenters have dubbed him, is none other than personal trainer and aspiring actor Wesley Okerson—not Israeli, but in fact a Marylander living in Beverly Hills. Mary Okerson, Wes's mother, says he and mysterious identical split-timer Paul Vincent are Katie's trainers. She did, in fact, run the marathon, says Wes's mom! Mystery solved! (Also: Okerson was a guest of the Cruises' at the Lions for Lambs premiere.) [Fox 411]

When it comes to the Katie Holmes NY Marathon conspiracy, we realize we've thrown quite a bit at you over the past couple of days, but the single most damning piece of evidence had yet to land in our inbox. A tipster we'll call Deep Socks suggested we go to the official Marathon website and look up the split times, registered by every runner via computer chip (we're learning so much more about marathon culture than our lazy asses ever imagined possible!), of a runner named Paul Vincent:

Blogger Harlem 26.2 (whose description, "The chronicles of a Black man running through Harlem in pursuit of rebuilding his business, a sub 3:00 marathon, and a wife - all through the lens of running," is our current favorite) has been following all the Katie Holmes marathon conspiracy theorizing closely, and adds a fascinating insight to the mix that discounts the official "lone runman" theory:

Katie Holmes, Tom Cruise's hostage wife, was on Letterman the other night. She looks like a Raelian! A beautiful Raelian. Anyway, she talks to D.L.—who refers to "Dawson's Creek" as "Gordon's Creek" awesomely—really just lobs ill-informed softball questions at her about her kid, Suri. She, in turn, does this weird culty thing of turning his questions back on him. "How is your kid?" asks Letterman. "Good, how is your kid?" responds Holmes. It's like the fair game law! Oh yeah, we also found her iMix (we spent a lot of times on iTunes this morning). Video and Playlist after the jump!

"1/15/08, 10:30 — 92nd & Lex — Power couple alert! Katie Holmes, Tom Cruise and Jerry & Jessica Seinfeld dining together (along with their security detail) at Italian restaurant Sfoglia Trattoria on 92nd & Lexington. They lingered at the restaurant past it's closing time possibly trying to outlast the growing mass of paparazzi outside." Topics of conversation at dinner? Feel free to speculate. One commenter channels Jerry Seinfeld: "So, Xenu blew them all up with atomic bombs, and that released the thetans to haunt the earth for milennia, and yada yada yada, now everyone thinks I'm in a cult!"

"Katie Holmes and Suri Cruise: At Mood Fabrics — 37th and 7th — looking at upholstery fabric. So tall and elegant. Suri is a little cutie pie!" [Manhattan sighting of Tom Cruise's wife and child. She's in town to promote her new movie, Mad Money. Hope the talk shows have properly coordinated green-room traffic. It would be embarrassing, but oh so awesome, if Cruise's actress wife ran into his unauthorized biographer, Andrew Morton, who's also on the talk-show circuit.]

Ever since we called shenanigans on Katie Holmes' involvement in the New York City Marathon just over two weeks ago, conspiracy theorists have come out of the woodwork at a rate not seen since Ollie Stone introduced a nation to the ravings of Jim Garrison. As other news organizations started to poke around the highly sensitive hot button issue of marathon integrity, they found the story was a tough nut to crack. Even our nation's most dignified and respected journalistic outlet, US Weekly, <a href="http://defamer.com/343570/us-weekly-blog-post-goes-mysteriously-missing-after-poking-around-into-katie-holmess-involvement-in-boston-marathon

">was forced to mysteriously removed a blog post that dared to investigate Katie's alleged involvement in the upcoming Boston Marathon. Just when we thought the trail had gone cold, our cause reached its zenith last night when Katie Holmes appeared on The Late Show With David Letterman and addressed the issue that has kept millions of earth humans on the edge of their seats.

Didn't get a chance to watch the terrifyingly creepy Tom Cruise video yesterday before Scientologists pulled it off YouTube? Well, we've managed to get our hands on a copy and now we'd like to invite you to watch in all its technicolor glory. Nevermind the orgs, nevermind the SPs and nevermind David Miscaviage, Defamer won't hesitate to put our ethics on ANYONE! Don't miss out, over one billion earth humans have been served. KSW and KFC forever (or something). This is must-see. Do not pass go without watching this video.