• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are supposedly in the market for another screamless Scientology birth. [E!]

We've become just about as well-versed as we want to when it comes to the bizarre practices of Scientologists, which run the gamut from silent birth to e-meters. But after hearing that Katie Holmes' precious little Suri is still on the baby bottle even after turning 2 years old, and that fellow Scientologist mommy Leah Remini's "sweet witty pain in the ass" 3-year old Sophia still drinks six bottles a night, we discovered some disturbing tales from other members of the cult religion who used "Hubbard's baby formula," only to wind up with "thin and colicky" toddlers that had their "baby teeth destroyed" and "screamed themselves to death." But as the defiant Remini says in this clip, "I could see her drinkig a bottle 'til she's 16." More details on Hubbard's toxic formula that was developed using methods from Ancient Rome (!!!) after the jump.

Though the Metropolitan Museum's annual Costume Gala is considered by most to be the Oscars of the fashion world, the truth of the matter is that no one really focuses on the clothes. What really matters is which celebrities show up to WEAR the clothes and, of course, whether or not they're lookin' good. That said, all eyes were entirely focused on the recently friction-laden, reportedly squabbling super-duo of Team Cruise and Team Beckham, who reunited once again for the cameras. And despite the gushing show of admiration and respect that the Beckhams demonstrated for the the Hubbard-lovers on yesterday's Oprah, both Holmes and Beckham were allegedly competing for the spotlight last night. And in the end? The girl with the higher-slit dress tends to win every time. More photos from the event, including our picks for the best and most horrific looks of the night, after the jump.

All of the important pretty people got dressed up for the Metropolitan Museum's Costume Institute Gala, which was themed "Superheroes: Fashion and Fantasy." Vogue editor Anna Wintour wore the Karl Lagerfeld Chanel dress on the left. Of this creation, Australia's Age said Wintour "got it horribly wrong;" one blogger said it was "one of a kind... which is good because we don't need two of those;" and the diplomatic Times said it "had curiously curling crescents attached at the hips and the shoulders, giving Ms. Wintour... the fuller-bodied appearance of Botticelli's Venus on her clamshell." Ah, "curious," not the highest of compliments. Anna could use a break, what with the LeBron James King Kong cover, the Rodarte weight thing, getting dissed by European fashionistas, etc. etc. Sad, pitiable Anna. Laugh (at a few more media celebrities' outfits, starting with Katie Holmes, pictured right) through tears (for sad monster Wintour) after the jump.

Back in October of 2006, Vanity Fair shocked us all by nabbing the first family photos of until-then MIA Suri Cruise, the tiny Xenuphobic bundle of joy Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had masterfully kept hidden months after her no-screaming-allowed birth. Why were we shocked? Accusations from both the press and the masses flooded the public narrative claiming little Suri looked nothing like Tom or Katie, some going so far as to claim the pregnancy was faked. But after the Knights of Hubbard spent this past weekend in New York with Suri in tow, it's become clear to us that Suri is quite obviously a real-live Cruise. The pictures that convinced us, along with details on which stars the Cruises spent time proselytizing dining with out East, after the jump.

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

Finally, an explanation for just about everything we find wonky about Scientologists: they've been inhaling toxic asbestos for forty years! Let's start at the beginning, shall we? Earlier this week, Radar reported that Freewinds, the religion's massive disco-equipped cruise vessel used to train members seeking OT-VIII levels of purity and general awesomeness, may be laced with cancer-causing asbestos on its walls. Their story, based on a local St. Martin newspaper article, prompted a stern denial message from a Scientology spokeswoman who claimed Radar's report was "offensive and just plain wrong," and confirmation that the ship would embark on its next fun-filled Caribbean cruise on May 8th, as scheduled. But a newly uncovered phone call (audio after the jump) reveals that the CruiseMobile isn't quite looking at clear skies ahead.

• Tom Cruise sent wife Katie Holmes to a three-day Scientology boot camp at "Gold Base" to prevent her from working on her Broadway play in New York without him, said Star magazine.

Apparently all of Katie Holmes' recent naughty behavior has prompted loving husband Tom Cruise to reprimand her with a punishment that's slightly more severe than asking her to not only wash the dishes but dry them, too. After eating too little with bad influence Victoria Beckham and daring to consider a promising role on Broadway later this year, Cruise decided to step up her Scientology training with a fun-filled three-day vacation to Gold Base. And Canyon Ranch it is not. Gold Base is reportedly an isolated Scientology facility where "boot camps" are held. And as Star reports, yoga classes and colonics were not part of Katie's activities:

• Carrie Fisher so totally did have take a ride in Harrison Ford's Millennium Falcon during the filming of the Star Wars movies. Fisher: "Once I left the room and came back and he was in the closet not wearing a lot of clothes." The Sun headlined their story, "Carrie: I gave Ford Obi-Wan." [Sun]

When it comes to celebrity couples making out in public, you'd think all those beautiful people would know how to make a kiss look hot. They manage to do it on-screen with complete strangers, and frankly, a large part of their job is to hook up take after take and make it still look steamy and unrehearsed, right? But as our slideshow-happy friends at Us have shown us, stars are seriously lacking in the hot and heavy PDA department. While some couples (Drew Barrymore and Justin Long) are downright sweet, and some are disturbingly turning us on at such an early hour (Enrique and Anna Kournikova, natch), we'd like to officially ban any future photos of a select few couples getting down and dirty ever again. The good, the bad, and the nauseating, after the jump:

The last two weeks have been rough on the friendship of one-time power duo Victoria Beckham and Katie Holmes. First, the meal-skipping, identical-haircut-sporting pair's friendship took a hit when Tom Cruise became concerned that Posh's influence was having a negative effect on Katie's health. Then, perhaps in retaliation, Victoria neglected to invite TomKat to her intimate pre-birthday dinner. Now, we hear that Katie has begun to distance herself from the Spice Girl-turned-professional partygoer, likely due to the assertions of the press that she's "morphed into Posh." So who's to blame? As Showbiz Spy reports, it seems that Katie Holmes is the culprit behind the fractured friendship:

Last week, Victoria Beckham celebrated her 34th birthday alongside new friends Eva Longoria and Kate Beckinsale, but supposed close friends Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were nowhere to be seen. Naturally, we presumed that this was either a result of Tom's edict for Katie to stop spending so much time with Posh or an early warning sign that Team Cruise's controlling ways were too much for the Beckhams to handle. But at last night's star-studded birthday party for Posh, not only were Tom and Katie in attendance, but her Katie's choice of gown left us wondering if her curious absence earlier in the week was simply a means to hide the fact that Suri Jr. could possibly be on the way.

• Kate Hudson said Anne Hathaway's boyfriend is a loser because he was arrested for writing a $215,000 check he could not cover. Hathaway was all, "whatever, I'm over it," even though she totally wasn't. Now they don't get along. [Oh No They Didn't] (picture via Oh No They Didn't)

Victoria Beckham and her razor-sharp cheekbones celebrated her 34th birthday last night alongside soon-to-be Yeshivite husband David, and two new female friends: Eva Longoria and Kate Beckinsale, both of whom were dressed to the nines in order to live up to the immaculately glamorous appearances Posh and her cronies tend to exhibit. But were Longoria and Beckinsale also trying to fill the stilettos of Beckham BFF, a role Katie Holmes has filled for so many years? Favored dining, uh, dieting companions Tom and Katie were noticeably absent from the festivities. Did Tom Cruise's wishes to keep Katie away from the bobble-headed Brit come true so quickly?

• Katie Holmes is said by Star to be planning a "trial separation" from Tom Cruise amid her plans to come to New York, where she might act in the play All My Sons. There's a battle over Suri. [Star]

Tom Cruise isn't having the best month. First, a bunch of hooligans slapped his laughy face on some ultra-strong pot and called it Tom Cruise Purple. Then, the feel-good movie of 2008, Valkyrie, got pushed back (making it the feel-good movie of 2009). And now, Victoria Beckham has usurped a bit of his domestic control and transformed Katie Holmes into a fellow stick figurine. And Tom's April blues have reached a breaking point:

What did we learn about our favorite celebrities this week? Glad you asked!
· Katie Holmes: She got sheared (next up, tannis root?) and, when it comes to meals, she's half a person.
· George Clooney: He's a late night charmer (possibly in more ways than one) but fussy when it comes to being credited.
· Jessica Simpson: She was hospitalized for having too much sex (allegedly).
· David Letterman: Doesn't mind giving audiences his sloppy seconds.
· Harvey Levin: Was an idealistic young rabble rouser and a foul-mouthed C-Word dropper.
· Dan Waters: He proved the old maxim that writers are best heard and not seen.
· Lara Flynn Boyle: Her jowls are melting (and not in a good way).
· Jennifer Aniston: She taught us that the best way to assure that your roles don't begin drying up is to form your own production company. Also, is possibly schtupping Orlando Bloom.
· Diablo Cody: Isn't just a screenwriter, she's also a songwriter!
· Ben Stiller: Is vain enough to dye his hair.
· Brangelina: Had difficulty containing the hostilities between their multicultural brood.
· The Real World Cast: They're all older but by no means wiser.
· Katherine Heigl: Wants a baby whether or not her "rocker" hubby Joshua is ready, thinks gay men want her. Also, not opposed to wearing hideous jackets in public.

Though hearing about some of the scary diet tactics used by stars last month was unnerving, the names associated with the far from healthy tips weren't earth-shattering: Nicole Richie, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan are commonly featured in the weeklies when chatter of weight loss methods comes up. But the highbrow BFF team that is Katie Holmes and Victoria Beckham isn't the standard source of speculation. Sure, they're incredibly thin despite pregnancies, but they've so far managed not to be outed when it comes to specific Desperately Seeking Thinness claims. But after a recent sighting at Madeo, Katie and Posh have officially topped the "scary" list of celebs who use outlandish methods when it comes to staying skinny...

Before her marriage to Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes was not considered to be much of a fashion chameleon. Her Dawson's Creek era hairstyle — an unassuming, just-out-of-bed look — matched her sense of style, and there was no reason for her to frequently change her look to keep up with the times. But then came Tom. And Suri. And Posh. And suddenly, Katie's "look" was something to be observed, altering rapidly with each life change, and now, her brand-new page boy cut is a certifiable oddity. We put together a montage of the various styles that Katie has undergone in the last two years; strangely enough, as her hair has gotten shorter and shorter, her transformation has resulted in an eerie resemblance to both Tom's silky cut and little Suri's bob.