• Republican-leaning movie star Bruce Willis opened a yuppie-friendly wine bar in the East Village, which prompted protests from neighborhood lefties and counterprotests from the Young Republicans. Turns out? He's not a partner in the bar, he just lent his name as a favor. Because, you know, wine, action movie star Bruce Willis — the connection is obvious. Plus he totally made those wine cooler commercials in the 80s. [Observer]

• Anne Hathaway made a CD of her own songs for her slimy Italian boyfriend's birthday. "I've done things for him I never thought I could do for anyone." [Showbiz Spy]

• Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon may have skipped the big wedding, but that doesn't mean they want to skip all the big presents. The duo has apparently registered at Bergdorf's, where they're encouraging friends to buy them fine china and expensive stemwear. [Page Six]

[Photo Credit: X17]

Despite having apparently cleaned up her boozy gurney act, finding a new boyfriend who doesn't wear wifebeaters and even spending quality mini-SUV-riding time with Sean Preston and The Other One, Britney Spears has still been getting flack from the press. Why? Namely because she's been seen looking slightly less svelte than usual while covering her belly (which, of course, leads to unwed-mom pregnancy stories). But comeback number infinity is still chugging away! Last week, we reported on her planned string of "flashy" shows in Vegas, and now we learn that Spears has reportedly undergone a rapid weight loss using none other than the Victoria Beckham starvation method. Details on what Spears has been replacing her Cheetos with, how she's comparing to Posh these days and the exact dimensions of her new dress size (you know you want to know) after the jump.

We’ve been wondering for a while now when all these obsessed-over spawns of celebrities would finally grow up and start canoodling already. With all the “wombwatching” and “bump” updates screaming at us from the newsstands, all we really want to know is when Lourdes is going to start dating James Wilkie Parker Broderick (oy), or when Suri will link eyes with the matching-haircut, age-equivalent Maddox. But thank the pervy Hollywood heavens above, the wait is now over. As the NY Daily News reports today, two youngsters with very famous A-list parents are currently “dating,” and “poised to take Hollywood by storm…and they have a combined age of 18!” Well! That’s slightly disgusting but also beyond intriguing! The new hot couple on the schoolyard revealed, after the jump.

Is Tom Cruise moving to New York? The answer is yes—at least temporarily. Cruise and the kids are following Katie Holmes to Manhattan when she makes her theater debut in "All My Sons," which opens in October. That means for 16 weeks (at least) the crazy Cruises will be bunking down here in the city, although their precise whereabouts still haven't been determined. While the fam's been staying at The Carlyle as of late, Katie's rumored to be checking out furnished Upper East Side rentals in the $60,000 per month and up category. Whether they'll buy or rent might still be up in the air, but settling down on the UES makes perfect sense: The "Scientology Celebrity Centre" is on East 82nd Street between Fifth and Madison.

Cindy Adams, the sole-surviving specimen of an age when Gossipsaurs ruled the Earth, has scored an interview with theater impresario Eric Falkenstein. He's the man behind the all-star revival of All My Sons soon to hit Broadway, which stars John Lithgow, Dianne Wiest, Patrick Wilson, and, most notably, Tom Cruise's billion-year war bride Katie Holmes. Falkenstein explains how their decision to go with Katie had everything to do with talent, not ticket-sales:

When the Count and Countess of Scientology throw a party, they do not set out plastic lawn chairs and serve crustless honey-drenched finger sandwiches. No, when TomKat decide to invite all of their friends and frenemies (and even some enemies!) over for a daytime soirée, the Knights of Hubbard throw the kind of party that puts everyone from the Royal Family to Donatella Versace to shame. On Saturday afternoon, TomKat decided to congratulate themselves on purchasing yet another of their many torture chambers loving households in Beverly Hills by hosting the likes of Kirstie “I Should Be Dead” Alley, Oprah “Never Forget” Winfrey, Victoria “Posher Than Katie” Beckham, and Jennifer “Marc Is Sick Again” Lopez. And putting aside Suri’s adorably Croc-like sandals and her ongoing tendency to appear just as frightened of her father as the rest of the world, this A-list party’s most impressive attributes were the pimped out rides. After the jump, a collection of the invitees in their modes of transportations, and a sampling of just how much security goes into protecting their Friends and Foes from Xenu’s ominous Orwellian eye:

• Alec Baldwin lashes out at the family court system in his book, not his ex-wife Kim Basinger. He takes care of her at live party appearances: "My ex-wife reaches an almost sexual level of satisfaction when she's in a room full of high-priced lawyers." [Showbiz Spy]

• Bill Murray's wife wants a divorce and claims the actor is a pot-smoking globe-trotting sex addict who is physically abusive. The Daily News recalls: "At a bash at Robert De Niro's Tribeca Grill in the '90s, we watched as Murray punch-shoved photographer Diane Cohen in the chest."

With his dreams of an eye-patched, SS-uniformed Oscar statuette slipping through his Hitler-hunting fingers, and his billion-year war bride having successfully sanded through her reinforced-leather ankle restraints and hightailed it to the Great White Way, Tom Cruise has responded to the steady unraveling of his meticulously constructed, intergalactic Camelot in the only logical fashion: by attempting to reclaim his own image. Beyond the "Take Back The Tom" campus marches planned around the country (ours meets at the Celebrity Center quad at 10), the NY Daily News is reporting that reps for the UA minimogul have fired off a Scary Hollywood Lawyer letter to millionaire-baby-outfitter Petit Trésor. Claiming they told Life & Style that the couple bought Suri $400,000's worth of high-thread-count swaddling cloths and ruby-encrusted platinum rattles (or enough to feed, heal, and clothe every child in Africa until 2069), the letter asserted that the sum was "simply false," "violates our clients' rights of privacy," and that the couple would therefore "request that you no longer use our clients as part of your public relations and marketing efforts."

• OMG smoking gun: Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson are hugging and holding hands and putting their faces close together and everything! It's nearly almost practically lesbian kissing, and thus proof that they are girlfriends in that way. [Egotastic] (Photo via Egotastic)

So Katie Holmes' long-running negotiations to come to Broadway have finally borne fruit, and the wife of Tom Cruise is now officially committed to take on some sort of role in a revival of Arthur Miller's All My Sons this fall. The Church of Scientology is a just a few blocks away from the theater, the Observer noted, and at least one tabloid report has hubby Tom tagging along for the duration of Holmes' season in New York, presumably in case she needs some more reprogramming. Holmes, meanwhile, is intent on escaping Cruise's shadow and reinvigorating her acting career. And maybe, you know, saving a few accident victims around town, since there's no one else who can really do anything. [Variety via Observer]

Despite his best attempts, Tom Cruise has officially failed his mission of keeping wife Katie Holmes off Broadway and out of New York. As we learned earlier this year, the escape-hungry Holmes was offered a role in this fall’s Arthur Miller play All My Sons, giving her a chance to remind the industry she was once an actress. But Cruise was rumored to have squashed the idea, punishing his true love by sending her off to Scientology boot camp. But Us is confirming that Holmes has signed on anyway, meaning the tight Cruise clan will be spending autumn in New York. We can only hope NBC successfully woos Jerry Seinfeld into a deal by then, lest TomKat’s previous recruitment plans for the comedian remain a high priority. [Us]

[Photo Credit: X17]

Looks like it’s time to reopen the case of Suri Cruise and the Toxic Scientology Bottles. After seeing this photo of Katie Holmes and her tiny dancer, we couldn’t help but notice the presence of an actual sippy cup. Why is this news so glorious? You see, most babies tend to go from nipple to bottle to sippy cup to the wine glass you’re currently holding. But Hubbard's Parenting Book tells Scientology moms like Holmes to rot their kids' teeth with honey instead, a method Holmes had been following obediently. But before we could celebrate Suri's freedom and Katie's long-awaited rebellion against Overlord Tom and his disco-dancing minions, Cruise suddenly descended on their escape attempt clutching an asbestos-stuffed rabbit that made Suri cry. The dramatic series of events, in pictures, after the jump.

Hello Magazine is reporting that Tom Cruise was plum out of ideas for what to get recently drifting BFF David Beckham for his birthday. So instead of a fruit basket or a lifetime supply of Tom Cruise Purple, the Hubbard-loving Clear decided to treat both Posh and Becks to a private weekend getaway at one of Cruise’s favorite romantic spots in Napa Valley: his very own home!

[Photo Credit: X17]

We hate to rain on Tom Cruise’s purity parade, but it seems his bundle of Hubbard Formula-chugging joy, Suri Cruise, has gone seriously gaga for two older men. And she’s got the giggles to show it. While babysitting for all three Beckham boys as David bent it like...well, lost to the visiting team, Tom and Katie brought finger-nibbling Suri along to watch. But the blanketed Cruiselette only had eyes for one guy: and he goes by Brooklyn Beckham. Tom did seem more interested in setting up Suri with the littlest Beckham (Cruz Beckham! Just picturing future Scientology couple Suri Cruise and Cruz Beckham likely made Tom's removable head spin with possibilities), Suri couldn’t keep her eyes off 9-year old Brooklyn. But earlier last week while still in NY, TomKat attended Suri’s favorite musical, and we have a feeling fellow Scientologist John Travolta’s role in the movie version had nothing to do with her ear-to-ear grin while leaving: a certain song-and-dancing Efronabbe got her all shook up...