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With his dreams of an eye-patched, SS-uniformed Oscar statuette slipping through his Hitler-hunting fingers, and his billion-year war bride having successfully sanded through her reinforced-leather ankle restraints and hightailed it to the Great White Way, Tom Cruise has responded to the steady unraveling of his meticulously constructed, intergalactic Camelot in the only logical fashion: by attempting to reclaim his own image. Beyond the "Take Back The Tom" campus marches planned around the country (ours meets at the Celebrity Center quad at 10), the NY Daily News is reporting that reps for the UA minimogul have fired off a Scary Hollywood Lawyer letter to millionaire-baby-outfitter Petit Trésor. Claiming they told Life & Style that the couple bought Suri $400,000's worth of high-thread-count swaddling cloths and ruby-encrusted platinum rattles (or enough to feed, heal, and clothe every child in Africa until 2069), the letter asserted that the sum was "simply false," "violates our clients' rights of privacy," and that the couple would therefore "request that you no longer use our clients as part of your public relations and marketing efforts."

Meanwhile, the Gossiplist blog is wondering why the actor has purchased Google ads attempting to herd random internet searchers towards his newly launched vanity site, TomCruise.com. (The Official, Tom Cruise-Authorized Repository of All Things Tom Cruise!™) While we'd never deny Cruise the right to promote his various web-ventures, something in the modest, three-line buy seems somewhat unbefitting a star of his stature. We only fear we don't next find the actor's head grafted to the body of a woman doing the Charleston and asking us if we know our credit scores.